Just What I Always Wanted

Too Much?

2011-12-07T00:04:00.002-05:00

I've heard these words often in the past 10-ish days. As in, "Oh, Rachel, that's too much. Hasn't your family been through enough?" I'm not sure how to reply because, you know, things could always be worse.

So you're probably wondering why I've heard those words. Well, a few hours after TOIAW, Sunshine, and I left after Thanksgiving, my mom had what they thought was a stroke. It turns out she has a mass in her brain that is likely a tumor. She's out of the hospital and home now. Sunshine and I have moved back to take care of her. We were planning on moving here in mid-January but those plans were bumped up. We won't know much until the first week in January (at least we hope we won't...if we know something before then, it's unlikely to be anything good). We cancelled our family trip to Disney World. My mom was going to go with all her grandchildren but we'll still be together. Dealing with the doctors is insanely frustrating.

I'm so very, very scared but this is the only time of day I allow myself to admit it. Every night I wonder if she goes into her room and is as scared and alone as I am. I sure do miss my dad but I don't really let myself go there because the one time I did, I realized she must miss him infinitely more than I do. Being a grown up really stinks sometimes.

Please, don't take my mom. I think it really would be too much.

Special Delivery!

2011-11-15T11:40:00.001-05:00

Time Machine

2011-11-09T22:16:00.002-05:00

If I could go back in time one year I would tell my pregnant self that even though Sunshine (or Kicky, as I knew her then) was only going to measure in the 21st percentile at my ultrasound the next day, not to worry because at both her 6- and 9-month appointments she would also be in the 21st percentile. Funny how that works, huh?

I would still encourage myself, however, to order flowers for myself as a treat because they really brightened my room and they smelled wonderful.

Wow, do I love that baby!

Why didn't I figure this out earlier?

2011-10-27T11:29:00.002-04:00

I just downloaded the blogger app...I didn't even know there was such a thing. So cool!

Anyway, I'm sitting in the car waiting for Sunshine to wake up so I can go into my OB's office and pick-up my medical records. Being in this part of town sure does bring back a lot of emotion. Just driving into the parking garage made me teary. It will be strange to leave and not call/text 3-5 people telling them how my appointment went. Next week Sunshine will be 9 months old and the next day will mark the one year anniversary of going into the hospital. Wow, what a huge year it's been!

She's awake now so I'll leave you with a recent pic...

The Pinterest Post

2011-10-20T09:59:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been spending my evenings tooling around on Pinterest finding yummy recipes, craft projects, and decorating ideas. Last week I made a casserole TOIAW loved which is really saying something because he hates casseroles. [I think he liked this one because I made my own "cream" sauce rather than using canned creamofwhatever soup. It was really good, I must say.] I've also pinned some really cute craft projects and I've tried a couple of those as well. But what I really love are the decorating ideas.

We have a nice, sturdy, comfortable medium brown leather couch and love seat. It's practical for us because I never have to worry about the leather getting dirty and it's good quality so the dogs don't scratch it, etc. We also a 20+ year old hand-me-down arm chair that still looks great and darker brown entertainment center and coffee, sofa, and end tables which were all purchased while I was on bed rest. TOIAW went shopping and sent me pictures and that's how I chose them. I wouldn't recommend this approach to you, by the way. Anyway, we also have a kitchen table that was mine in my mid-twenties and no formal dining room furniture.

We thought about (okay, I'm probably the only one who really thought about it) buying a more formal kitchen table but I didn't. There's actually a store here that sells gorgeous, solid bare wood furniture at reasonable prices but I'm not sure when I could/would tackle the project of finishing the pieces if I went that route.

Sorry, this is an extremely dull stream-of-consciousness post...I'll get to the point.

How do I find my decorating style when I move all the time? This summer when I visited the Gutsy Family in their GORGEOUS new home, I noticed several pieces of furniture that had been in their home in Germany. I don't ever feel like my things "fit" like that; it seems like we always have an unfinished look. But I have vowed to take what I have and make it work when we move to D.C. By golly, it is going to be a homey home for all of us! We are not going to live like transients even if we are only going to be there for a year. Pictures and decor will adorn the walls. There! Will! Be! COLOR! I'm a creative person, I can do this. I have got to stop feeling paralyzed by the frequent moves and choose a style that will work in most spaces. It's going to be so cute...I can't wait!

But didn't I say the same thing about this house?

P.S. None of my decorating, by the way, will work once we move to Mystery Country #2. The Employer offers two furniture styles 1) the George-and-Martha-Washington-are-coming-for-dinner Colonial reproduction look and 2) the we-went-to-a-nice-furniture-store-and-bought-the-display-for-you look. The first is look is likely being phased out and the second look (what we had in MC#1) is very nice but accent-wise I have nothing to go with it. Oh well, we can jump off that bridge when we get to it.

Issues

2011-10-14T19:38:00.002-04:00

I has 'em.

Prior to TOIAW's next "big" assignment, he will need to complete some training in the D.C. area. We'll be there for about a year. I've known for several months that we would likely be living there but ever since I found out that's the next stop on the JWIAW Family's world tour, it's a different story. I've had several mini-panic attacks in the past 36 hours. I think of a place we visited--either frequently or just once--and then I think, "I was pregnant when I was there," or, "I was sad when I was there," and sometimes it's both. To be frank, it's awful. I cried today during the bubble time at Sunshine's music class. The wonder in her eyes as she watched the bubbles was so sweet and I just began crying but it wasn't because of the sweetness of the moment (which is what the other moms thought, I think), it was because I missed Sarah so much at that moment. I wanted both of my babies there...

Surprisingly, I don't have many of these moments. I think about Sarah, talk about her, miss her, and [often] cry every day but it's not in the same way as it has been the past 36 hours. I guess this makes sense and, considering the fact that it made me cry to see Michelle Obama shop at the same Target where I shopped for Sarah and went to buy waterproof mascara the night before her memorial service, none of this should be a shock to me. But it was. I hate it when grief blindsides me like that. It should wear a bell so I can hear it coming.

Feathers

2011-10-10T11:35:00.002-04:00

TOIAW: I guess everyone is doing this feather thing since Taylor Swift did it. I don't know though, it's probably just a trend.

Me: What are you talking about?

TOIAW: The feather thing Taylor Swift has.

Me: Where?

TOAIW: What do you mean 'where'? They're everywhere.

Me: I mean where do they put the extensions? I guess I haven't seen them.

TOIAW: (slightly exasperated) In hair, Rachel. It's a hair extension. Haven't you seen it? There are plenty of girls at school who have them and I just saw someone getting them put in their hair when I was getting a haircut. For $5 they will adjust it when your hair grows out.

Me: If it's not the rage with babies, I probably don't know about it. Sorry. I'll try to be cool again one day. Until then, I'll rely on you to be my link to the pulse of young women.

You know, because that's so important to me...

A Worthy Cause

2011-08-30T19:45:00.002-04:00

Help if you can. $5 can make a big difference in the lives of these children. Everyone deserves to be loved and nurtured.

Shocked.

2011-08-22T12:36:00.005-04:00

*EDITED TO ADD*
I know this post doesn't really make sense. In an effort to be respectful, I left out a lot. Also, I know my feelings are so unimportant in the scheme of things. I was just trying to say that this news really hit me hard which surprised me.

One of the reasons I stopped blogging was some news I received when Sunshine was just a few days old. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was driving to pick-up TOIAW from a late class when he called and told me one of his former colleagues had died during a deployment. I recall thinking that was an odd way to phrase a war casualty because most people would say the soldier was killed. At the same time, I was hit with a wave of emotions--namely guilt--because, to be completely honest, I never liked the guy. Then TOIAW blurted out another detail that shocked me to my core: he had killed himself. We were both stunned for days. I wanted to blog about it--just so I could process the information--but it just didn't seem right. Similarly, I tried to write an email his commander's wife but even in my overly emotional post-partum state I knew it wasn't appropriate because, although she is a sweet friend and would never tell me it's none of my business, it really isn't my business and it's certainly not something she could discuss. I still think about him and I wonder why.

Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?

2011-08-05T10:12:00.003-04:00

Let's start with the basics: Everyone is alive and well. Some days I might even classify us as thriving! But not all days because, you know, we're normal people.

I don't really have a reason as to why it's been 5 months since I last blogged. It's not as if I haven't had anything to say. Nothing major has happened, however. Just raising a beautiful baby girl. I'm currently up to my neck in sleep training and introducing solid foods. My world is pretty small. I love it! I even love the not-so-fun parts. I have my moments but I really try to take a deep breath and praise God to the tips of my toes for blessing me with these "problems."

I, we, couldn't be more in love with our little Sunshine! That's what I'm going to call her on the blog. Her name means "ray of light" so it seems like a reasonable pseudonym. She is certainly a ray of light in my life!

After such a long hiatus, you would think I'd have plenty to say but I don't right now. Just wanted to (briefly) check in but I'll be back soon. I'm working on a 6-month post which will include pictures from every birthday except 3 months because we forgot that one. Oops. You can be assured I will be working on this post because I have 2 papers to edit. My best blogging is when I should be reading/writing something else.

I missed you guys! Hope you're all well...

One Month!

2011-03-11T00:06:00.003-05:00

These were taken last week on her one-month birthday. We're so in love...and tired...but still very in love. The object of my affection is currently trying to get my attention so I'm going to have to leave it here for now.

Joy Comes in the Morning!

2011-02-11T16:11:00.003-05:00

Please forgive me, blog friends, I've been a little busy with this beautiful bundle of joy:
She was born on 2-2-2011 at 9:08 am and, basically, she's perfect. And I'm not just saying that because she's been super patient with her woefully inexperienced parents.

Her name means "shining light" and that is exactly what she is. A ray of light so strong and warm it takes my breath away multiple times every day.

So Close...Yet So Far

2011-01-31T16:53:00.003-05:00

I have a miserable cold. Absolutely miserable. I've tried all the over the counter stuff the doctors recommended. I'm drinking lots of fluids. I'm trying my best to get some sleep but that's not so easy when the combination of mouth breathing and drainage in my throat makes it feel like I drank hydrochloric acid. I'm lucky to sleep 4 hours in a 24-hour period including short naps during the day. Last night I began coughing which is good because that way I get a little relief from the super stuffy head. I know I sound like the biggest baby but I truly feel horrible.

Last night around midnight I thought I had a fever so I took my temp and it as a little high but not quite time for the fever reducer so I waited. I checked it again at 3 and it was the same and at 5 it was even a little higher (100.5-101) so I called and of course they wanted to see me. I was put on the monitor as soon as we got there and the baby's heart rate was really high. My heart rate was high also but my blood pressure was fine. My temperature had gone down but was still a little high. I am 4 cm dilated, 80% effaced, and the baby is in -1 position. The resident freaked out and freaked us out as well. We were told an induction was most certain. The attending told us the same thing. She recommended we tell my mom fly in today. I was overwhelmed but I felt so bad it was difficult to focus on what was happening. The concern was that the fever--and the baby's reaction--was due to a brewing uterine infection not the cold. The only way to know 100% is to do an amnio but we didn't want to do that. I remained on the monitor while we waited for my labs to return and slowly the baby's heart rate lowered to the normal range. Shockingly, my white count was 100% normal so TOIAW and I began to question the induction. They suggested I spend the night, get some fluids, feel better, and do the induction tomorrow. I said I wanted to talk to the attending MFM--who is my favorite--so we waited and waited while she did 2 c-sections. I tried to rest a little and relax. Finally she came in, did an ultrasound, and said she saw no reason to do an induction today and I could either spend the night there and go home tomorrow if everything was stable or go home if I was willing to keep my regular appointments tomorrow. I chose option 2.

Perhaps I should have stayed since I've been a little paranoid all day. The baby is moving a lot which is good but I keep wondering if her heart rate is high. I haven't had a fever (that I know of) but I'm still concerned. I'm glad I'm seeing my doctor in the morning. We're supposed to have 2 snow storms back-to-back beginning tomorrow mid-morning. Awesome.

My mom went ahead and kept her plans to come. I'm so grateful, I can't even express it. I worried she would miss too much work but Oklahoma is supposed to get a lot of snow so she probably won't miss much this week. If the baby doesn't arrive, she'll go home this weekend and then come back when we take the baby home. It's probably good for her as well because she won't have to sit alone at home for several days. I have plenty for her to do here!

And because I haven't complained enough in this post, I would also like to add that I burned my tongue yesterday and it is so freaking painful. I already have no appetite and it's certainly not helping matters. It really hurts. So does my throat. I've come so far and I just cannot believe I have to feel like this during these last few weeks. I'm trying to stay positive and keep my eye on the prize. Eye on the prize, eye on the prize...

Officially Incompetent

2011-01-26T18:52:00.004-05:00

I no longer have a cerclage! The best news about that? It didn't hurt too bad which was especially wonderful since I dropped off TOIAW at school and drove to the hospital myself. In all the times I've been to the hospital and doctors' appointments, today was the first time I drove but I only made a few wrong turns ; )

So immediately after the stitches were cut, I dilated to 2cm and I was already 50% effaced. Since I dilated so quickly, it looks like I have officially earned an incompetent cervix diagnosis. I had to walk around for a while afterwards (and visit my favorite nurses on the ante partum floor) and then have another manual exam before I was able to go home just to make sure I didn't dilate more. I didn't but I was a little more effaced. She doesn't think I will dilate more without contracting (which I really don't do and that kind of freaks me out). She also thinks I have 2 more weeks at the most. I only need a few more days to finish everything I want to have done before she makes her debut and then she's welcome to come at anytime she wants. But let's be clear: NOT TONIGHT!!! We are having yet another snow storm and our car is in the shop so we have a teeny tiny rental that will barely make it into our garage with 1/2" of snow on the driveway.

I'm super tired after my eventful day. I just wanted to write a quick update. Oh, and I guess I should also mention that she weighs approximately 5 lbs., 10 oz.! She's a moose!

35w1d

2011-01-21T10:07:00.003-05:00

I have approximately 64 personal emails I should be writing but instead I'm going to blog. You're welcome. Actually, I have housework I should be doing before I spend time on the computer but that's another issue entirely.

Last night we attended a birthing class. It was very helpful and informative. I realized there are actual physiological reasons why my back is killing me and I'm so tired and out of breath all the time; I'm not sure any of those things registered with TOIAW. Not that he is pushing me to do anything but sometimes I don't think he realizes how draining it is for me just to make dinner and clean up afterwards. I don't anticipate this changing after the baby is here either. He means well, I know he does, but I think he thinks he paid his dues while I was on bed rest and this semester he's all about focusing on school which includes classes as well as attending various seminars and special events. Admittedly, there is an impressive list of visiting speakers nearly every week but sometimes you have to make choices based on time management. Sorry, I didn't intend for this to be about bashing TOIAW. He's been wonderful throughout this pregnancy. I'm a little frustrated with him currently because he's working on a paper that needs to be done sooner rather than later yet it seems that he's spending a great deal of time in his office looking at our taxes, researching rare books, or any number of other non-paper related topics. Normally I wouldn't care that much but he still needs to pick-up the baby furniture (and assemble the crib although I know we won't use that for quite some time) and I'm at a stand still with the nursery until we have the furniture. I'm trying not to bug him about it but we're getting down to crunch time!

My doctor is going to remove the cerclage Wednesday (TOIAW has class that day so he's just going to drop me off--I find this amusing for some reason) and one of three things could happen: 1) I could go into labor immediately (not very likely) 2) I could go into labor within 1-2 weeks of removal (most likely) 3) I could go to full term and possibly require an induction (somewhat likely). I'm hoping for option 2 but I want everything to be ready by Wednesday just in case! So I made a long list of things I want/need to do before then and I'm tired just looking at it which, I suppose, is why I'm blogging. It is doable, though, especially if I don't have to go out and run errands because that's what really seems to take it out of me.

So I guess it's time to begin tackling the list. It's by no means instinctual so I certainly don't think it can be considered nesting--by the way, thank you to everyone who made me feel better about not nesting!--but it needs to be done. Do you think I have time to buy a steam cleaner and clean the carpets?

I'm not complaining, but...

2011-01-17T09:30:00.002-05:00

Everyone keeps telling me to "enjoy sleep now." Is this a joke? I know it wasn't very long ago, but I cannot recall my last night of normal sleep. I wake-up EVERY. SINGLE. HOUR. to pee. At first I thought I was waking up because I wasn't comfortable in bed but I no longer believe that's the case. I can usually sleep for an hour and a half from about 5:30-7:00 or somewhere in there but in order for this to happen I must refrain from drinking water every time I wake-up to pee. I know this sounds silly but it's very dry in our house and every night is a thermostat experiment because we're trying to figure it out before we bring a baby home. And one more strange thing...my hands swell at night. My feet swell during the day and my hands (and face also) swell at night. It's really a great look. TOIAW helps by saying things like, "Your fingers don't look like little sausages as much as they did yesterday." He only gets to live because he does dishes and lifts heavy things for me.

We had a very active weekend! Saturday we went out to breakfast, bought new lamps (our last ones were great through four moves but the fifth one proved to be too much), returned something at the mall, and saw a movie! Then, when we got home to a cold and dark house, we decided to go to an outlet mall because TOIAW's brother left that day for a somewhat long business trip to an exotic Mideastern locale and we were too sad to sit at home thinking of him, his wife, and their young children. TOIAW bought a "refurbished" home theater system and some clothes but I just walked around thinking of how great I was going to sleep after all the activity of the day. HA!

Yesterday I did some closet/drawer organization (with a substantial bag for Goodwill), laundry, grocery shopping, and made dinner which took me much, much longer than it should have. I guess I'm still a little off my cooking game. I topped off the evening by falling asleep on the couch and deciding to sleep there as well because 1) I was too lazy to go upstairs, 2) it's much easier to get on and off of than our high bed, 3) it's directly under a fan and I'm tired of being hot at night, and 4) TOIAW cannot seem to get it through his head that there is a line down the middle of our headboard that clearly separates his side from my side and he is NOT supposed to breach that boundary.

So, more chores await me today. What does it mean if you don't really feel the urge to 'nest' because I don't. I'm doing things that need to be done but I'd rather be sleeping. I'm 34w4d...does nesting happen closer to birth? Does this mean I can take a day off or is my nester broken?

The M Word

2011-01-14T11:46:00.002-05:00

TOIAW just informed me he has received his next assignment. It's a short course (3-4 months) that will begin next January. It's somewhere in Virginia although I don't recall exactly where. We have 355 days before the course begins it's just that I HATE to be reminded that we move more often than people running from the law.

I'm truly dreading finding out where we will go after the aforementioned course. There is a 50% chance we'll go to a Mystery Country (which I'm pretty sure is TOIAW's first choice even though he admits it might not be best for his career) after a stop in D.C. for another course. The other 50% chance would be either D.C. or Germany and both would be nice although D.C. would be nicer, I think. Why am I already worried/upset about this? It's completely out of my control and, as I've seen time and time again, God is always in the details and provides wonderfully for me even when I kick and scream and throw temper tantrums.

On one hand I say what I really want is to live in one place for 2-3 years, but really I want to live in a place of my choosing for 2-3 years. I would really like to blame this on the hormones but history would suggest otherwise. Darn it.

Where There's a Will...

2011-01-08T17:57:00.002-05:00

I really want to be able to do things but I have absolutely zero stamina. At my appointments yesterday, both the MFM and regular OB said they're fine with me having a few more privileges which is very exciting and it would be even more so if I didn't have to take a 2-hour recovery nap every time I leave the house. And when I do go out, I take it very easy. We went to Costco and I rode in a motorized cart (it was just as pathetic as you might imagine); we went to a baby care class and TOIAW pushed me in a wheelchair; we went to the doctors' appointments and TOIAW dropped me off as close as he could. After the appointments, I slept for 3 hours and then we went to Whole Foods because I needed to go in and our local store is less than half the size of the other options. I wasn't sure I would be able to make it upstairs last night but I did. Yay for small victories! In 5 days, at 34 weeks, I will be off bed rest completely although I can't imagine I'll be able to do more than I am right now. Someone please tell me I'll have more energy once the baby arrives. Lie if you have to.

Today we went to an intro to cloth diapering workshop. It was very informative and we're going to try it even though I'm sure most of you think I'm nuts (although I doubt that assessment is based solely on this decision) but I'm so overwhelmed with the number of choices of diapers and diapering systems there are! I tried to do some research when I got home but I immediately fell asleep...shocking. When I woke-up I looked at it again and quickly rethought my game plan once I saw the prices of the "fancier" diapers. Until she reaches 12ish pounds, I'll probably do a combination unless I find using regular old-fashioned pre-folds much easier than I think I will.

As for our baby update--which is how TOIAW refers to our appointments--she weighed in at a hefty 4.7 pounds and is in th 37th percentile! Go, baby, go! Her abdominal circumference was consistently in the 2nd-3rd percentile but is now in the 30's...or so they say. I can't believe she's grown that much! Both doctors think I Could! Go! All! The! Way! although anything after 36 weeks is more than fine with me. The cerclage will be removed at 36 weeks which happens to coincide with TOIAW's first week of classes which is less than ideal but it's a great problem to have :)

TOIAW brought me Sarah's books today. We read to her several times a day. One of the books was just too painful for me to open because my dad gave it to her, read it to her many times, and wrote a beautiful note to her inside the book. So that will have to keep for another day. What I did draw strength from, however, was a book I often read to her: The Little Engine That Could. As I recover from 19 weeks of bed rest and prepare for child birth and caring for a newborn, it's likely I will be the crazy lady in Target muttering to myself, "I think I can, I think I can..."

I'm Home!

2011-01-05T14:07:00.002-05:00

It took about 12 hours to get released from the hospital. I was so looking forward to being out on a sunny day but it was well past dark when we finally did leave. But who cares?! I'm home! CVS barely managed to bat .500 on my prescriptions and this was after we waited an hour for them even though my nurse faxed them much earlier in the afternoon. But who cares?! I'm home! (But, seriously, you really think most people prefer drawing up their medications from a vial as opposed to pre-filled syringes? Really?)

To be honest, my first night at home was pretty awful. Our room was hot, I had to pee every hour, and despite being exhausted, I just couldn't fall asleep. I realize all this is probably normal pregnancy stuff but when you don't have a normal pregnancy, nothing feels normal. Also, who cares if it's normal, it's really not fun. I mean I'm pretty sure I fell asleep standing up in the shower but I couldn't fall asleep in bed? Thankfully, last night was much, much better.

Now my main issue is still my sugar levels and insulin dosage. My sugars have been pretty low despite the fact that I've been a lot more liberal with my diet. I don't eat very many simple carbs but I've been eating a lot more fruit and yogurt with fruit. Last night I was worried I would go too low at night so I halved my night dosage (after speaking with the doctor) and I still had my lowest ever fasting sugar this morning. I spoke with the doctor shortly afterwards and she attributed it to increased activity and now I'm barely taking 1-2 units before lunch and dinner. It's surprising that such a small amount of activity can make such a difference!

Speaking of activity, we went out for lunch yesterday and I sorted through all the baby clothes we have. It was somewhat difficult to go through Sarah's clothes because if brought back a lot of memories, of course. Tuesday is her second birthday. I have an appointment that day and I haven't decided if that's good or bad. It's not like anything I do that day is going to temper the heartache. It hurts...it still really, really hurts. But at least the hurt is a confirmation that it was all real: she was my daughter, she was alive, she was and is very, very loved.

"I Lucky"

2011-01-02T13:42:00.003-05:00

One day last week I had the best dream. Incidentally, I also had an awesome nap because I was able to sleep 1.5 hours without having to pee! Back to the dream, I remembered it perfectly and I couldn't stop smiling. I was standing on a deck in a backyard with TOIAW and our dogs and a little girl with dark hair crawled up between my legs and proclaimed, "I lucky." I bent down so I was looking at her upside down and assured her that, no, I am the lucky one! I told TOIAW about it later that night and he decided that we're all lucky. I agree!

We had a nice Christmas in the hospital. I really missed my family but it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. Honestly, it just kind of felt like a normal day which is pretty much how all the holidays have felt this year. That's okay because this is only a short season in our lives and it will be completely worth it in the end! TOIAW's parents and brothers are currently visiting so they could spend the New Year's holiday together as is their tradition. TOIAW's twin brother and his family came to visit yesterday but his parents and older brother haven't made it yet but they're going to try to stop by before they head back to NYC tomorrow. Their hotel is less than a mile from the hospital. I truly do not care if they come, it's just an odd thing to say, yes? Also, tomorrow isn't a good day because I MIGHT GET TO GO HOME!!!

I'm trying not to get my hopes up but that's easier said than done. My doctor has been on vacation all week but she wrote in my chart that I should be prepared to leave at 32 weeks (which was 3 days ago!!!). The nurses have been kind enough to teach me to check my own blood sugar and administer my injections. This is all very easy for an experienced IVFer :) Interestingly, however, the blood sugar testing may have raised a few issues that could prevent me from leaving tomorrow. I initially practiced testing along with the nurses when they used the hospital's glucometer but I was consistently getting numbers far lower than theirs so I was given a new home meter and the results were the same. They then borrowed a different glucometer from another floor and while it was closer to mine, it was still off by a significant margin so the next step was to do a blood test. Guess what? The hospital meter was WAY off! Nice, huh? It's now pretty clear that I'm on more insulin than I need to be but the holiday/weekend physicians are hesitant to change the dosage because I don't technically have low blood sugar. I'll share a little secret with you though...that's because I'm eating carbs like crazy so I don't spill ketones. My morning sugars are quite low even though I have a healthy (but high in sugar) snack late at night. The doctors suggested that I skip this or lower the carbs but, you know, I'm just not that interested in ending up with low blood sugar because it's easier for them. I don't want to be hypoglycemic at 4 am because it's unhealthy and unnecessary and, in my opinion, this really isn't that difficult to sort out. For what it's worth, all the nurses agree with me and they're concerned about their other patients as well.

One of the reasons I'm so ready to blow this Popsicle stand is that I found out that the UTI I had was caused by a bacteria only found in hospitals. Good times. I didn't blog about it--mainly because I couldn't type--but the regular IV thing wasn't working for me due to the harshness of the antibiotic so I ended up having to get a midline catheter. You can google that if you want but it was gross and a huge pain and I'd prefer not to have to do that again anytime soon. Also, it made my husband's face turn white as my bed sheets and he's not prone to squeamishness. My favorite Christmas gift was "passing" the test after the course of antibiotics and being able to have the line removed! I can't remember a day when showering felt so good...

Anyway, I just really need to get home so I can open all the boxes we've received! Between baby gifts, holiday gifts, and the 1 or 45 things I've ordered for the baby, there's a lot to sort ;)...or should I say inventory? After 36 weeks, I'm officially removing myself from bed rest but I'll still take it easy for the next 3.5 weeks. Thankfully, TOIAW will be home with me until classes begin again so that will easy my anxieties about being alone and needed to get to the hospital quickly. Also, he'll be available to take me to the twice-weekly appointments they've promised me. I don't really look forward to that part but oh well.

I'll close by wishing you all a happy, healthy, and most blessed 2011!!! Your kind words, support, and prayers carried me through many dark days during the past year. Thank you.

Speed Blogging

2010-12-20T13:37:00.002-05:00

I'm going to type as fast as I can because I'm blogging on borrowed time. Jack, from the IV team, could show up at any minute and who knows if I'll have use of both of my hands/arms after that. A normal person would but my veins are "difficult." First of all, I have an IV thanks to a UTI caused by an unusual bacteria and the doctors chose to be very aggressive. There are three medications available in pill form that work on this particular bacteria: one is safe during pregnancy but only has a 50% chance of working since I was on the wrong kind of antibiotics for 2 days until the culture was complete, the other is not safe during pregnancy, and the third is not safe in the third trimester. The end result is IV antibiotics that have really helped me feel better (even though I had no idea I had a UTI until they found it in a routine urine test) but the IV has been a huge hassle. The first one lasted 5 doses (every 12 hours) but started looking bad last night and the replacement was painful all night long. I was willing to push through the pain (pain that prevented me from sleeping last night) in order to avoid another stick but it started bleeding where the needle went in my skin and my nurse wasn't impressed. The aforementioned Jack comes highly recommended so we shall see. This is not a new issue for me because my veins are small and IV needles are not so the choices are limited. I would never make it as an IV drug user.

So things are moving right along. I kind of hit a wall last week but I think I'm over that. I was really feeling sorry for myself and just wanted to go home. In retrospect, I think I was starting to feel icky from the UTI and, well, 6 weeks in the hospital will get to most people after a while. Our little one is doing great though! She always gets a perfect score on her biophysical profile ultrasounds and we'll get another weight estimate Wednesday. She's done a fair bit of online shopping; I'm very excited to get home and see what all she has!

I had a very special treat yesterday in the form of a long visit from an old friend. She's like a sister to me and it was so awesome to see her while she and her husband are visiting our fair city for a few days. Thanks for coming, Krista!

I know I have more to say but I can't remember it all right now. I'm going to listen to soothing music while I wait for Jack...

29w2d

2010-12-11T11:49:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I just lie (or is it lay? I can never remember and even when I look it up, it doesn't make sense to me) here in complete awe that I am still pregnant. After so many tears and prayers and praying through tears it looks like it's finally going to happen. Even in my darkest moments I had a peace deep down inside me but I would rarely acknowledge it for fear of ushering in a hope that wasn't going to stay. But here I am...29 weeks and 2 days pregnant. There is no doubt in my mind God's grace is the reason but I know that probably sounds ridiculous to those who have also prayed and still have empty arms. I know how you feel, I prayed for Sarah's healing--as did many, many others--for a week and even though she was perfectly healed, it certainly didn't happen the way I wanted it to happen. Not a day goes by that I don't cry for her; that I don't long to sit beside her incubator and read On the Night You Were Born one more time. I have been there and to be nearing life on "the other side" is completely surreal. It would have never been possible were it not for God's grace, faithfulness, unending love because without him, I simply would not have had the strength to go forward.

I had another weight measurement on Wednesday and the baby is growing which is fabulous news! She's still on the small side but as long as she shows two weeks' growth every two weeks, everyone is happy. Yesterday when I had my ultrasound I saw one of the high-risk fellows I met on one of my many visits to L&D. He said he's been following me through their weekly team meetings and is thrilled for us. He also mentioned that he never expected me to make it to 28 weeks. Last week another doctor told me the same thing only it was during an ultrasound and she said, "She looks great! I have to tell you, I was very worried about this baby." I'm so glad they didn't tell me that earlier!

Our next big goal is 32 weeks but I'll still be thrilled to make it into the 30's on Thursday but we have set our BIG goal at 36 weeks because that is magic age when babies are not required to go to the NICU. Anything after that is icing on the cake. Speaking of icing and sugary goodness, let's talk gestational diabetes.

GD and bed rest are not friends. I was controlling my sugar levels very well with diet but after I lost weight for the 3rd week in a row, someone had the bright idea to check for ketones in my urine. I had them. Long story short: I'm on insulin to control the glucose levels so I can eat more carbs. To tell you the truth, it's been incredibly liberating and I'm no longer hungry which, apparently, can be worse than having high glucose levels. All the GD ladies on the antepartum wing see endocrinologists from a nearby diabetes research and treatment center who specialize in GD. A few days ago I asked how it was possible that I was so borderline on my test and so clearly a GD (remember, were it not for the stricter standards they use here, I would have passed the test without issue). She told me they estimate nearly 50% of GD cases go undiagnosed! I also really appreciate that she takes all of my information into account (e.g., size of the baby) when ordering and adjusting my insulin dosage.

Sadly, not all is well in the hospital. They've had to cut the food service employees schedules and now there are only 4 people per shift as opposed to 6*. It's a lot more work for them. If you would like details, I can provide them. People talk. Unfortunately my least favorite food service lady is still here way too often. The other day she was picking up my tray and, as usual, didn't bother to knock so she walked in on my doctor performing a breast exam. I gave her an annoyed look and she said, "Oh, I've seen it all working here." That might be true, my friend, but I don't think the same is true for the husband of the patient across the hall who also happened to catch the peep show.

*All things considered, I'm glad they chose to cut employees in this area rather than, say, nurses.

Annoyed about being annoyed.

2010-12-02T12:53:00.002-05:00

Today should be a wonderful day...I hit the 28 week mark! The baby looks great! TOIAW got the help he needs to learn how to write academic papers (rather than relying on my non-existent skills in that area)! Things are looking good...so why am I annoyed?

It all started Saturday when TOIAW brought the mail to me. I opened a letter from the housing office where we live that said we were eligible to move to a single-family home in the same area. It would likely be about the same size as our current house but I was looking forward to a) not having to store our trash can in the garage so that when you walk in there you are assaulted with a horrible stench, b) the opportunity to meet new neighbors since the ones we have are downright hostile, and c) have a bigger kitchen. There was also a very attractive financial incentive that didn't hurt either. It would be a very easy move since we really haven't unpacked that much and nothing has been hung on the walls. So we came up with a plan that TOIAW would spend the night at home Monday and check out the houses. This is already too long of a story for such a silly topic but basically he looked in the windows of the houses (they're all brand new and not occupied) and saw that half are everything we're looking for and the other half have the same odd layout as our house. I left a message for the manager Tuesday morning but after not hearing from her by yesterday afternoon, I called again and she was busy so I spoke with someone else. He first began to tell me about all the amenities my house has that the new houses do not have. An odd tactic to entice someone to move, no? Supposedly they really want us to move because certain houses are for certain ranks and we live in something way below TOIAW's rank. ANYWAY, the guy with whom I spoke asked me how I knew about the 2 different floor plans and I told him my husband had looked at the houses and he accused TOIAW of breaking in the houses. Seriously? Then, I called again today to see if someone could email me a copy of the floor plans and I was told, "I WON'T do that but I'll leave a message for someone else to do it or you can just go to the open house next week." I explained why I couldn't do that and she once again replied, "I WON'T do that for you." Okie dokie...guess we won't be moving. But I will call your district manager and the base commander. Huge mistake because I've got nothing but time on my hands!

Okay, I'm going to return to my regularly scheduled 28 weeks!!! celebration and thankfulness for my beautiful home and they many, many blessings I have!

Who's in charge here anyway?

2010-11-27T13:44:00.002-05:00

My scan on Wednesday exceeded my hopes and prayers! The baby is in the 28th percentile in growth and my fluid levels were in the normal range. Low normal but still normal! The nurse who did the scan was amazed at the difference she saw between Friday and Wednesday and she measured the baby several times because she really couldn't believe how much growth there was in 2 weeks. I was am so excited; I finally believe we're going to take a baby home with us. I'm in awe.

Unfortunately, as precious as this little girl is, she is beginning to present with some behavioral issues. Namely, she will not allow me to sleep on my side which, as a stomach sleeper, is already a compromise on my part. I can get by with it for about 5 minutes and then the kicking begins. It makes for a long night because I can get to sleep but I can't stay asleep since I'm not comfortable. If I weren't in a hospital bed that can be manipulated, I probably wouldn't sleep at all. And then there's her championship bladder kicking skills...I don't think I need to spell it out for you but let's just say I give in to those really quickly. Of course I'm thrilled she is an active baby who loves to move I just wish she would do that sans attitude, you know?

Thankful

2010-11-23T12:40:00.003-05:00

It's November 23 and I'm still pregnant! I'm not sure I've ever had more occasion for thanks than I do this year! If I get a slice of pumpkin pie, it's going to put me over the edge!!!

Sorry I haven't written much. If it makes you feel better, I have a long list of emails to write and phone calls to make so it's not just the blog. My days are actually a lot busier than you might think. Between monitoring, doctors' rounds, ultrasounds, and the antepartum "mix and mingle" group, there isn't a lot of idle time during the day. The nurses are also very sweet about coming by to chat and keep you company. When I'm home alone with the baby, I'm going to miss all this socialization!

Yesterday I had a great ultrasound! The doctor who pretty much never says anything positive said that the fluid level looks better than she's ever seen it which was really encouraging. [On a side note, she and I are getting to be BFFs, I think.] Tomorrow she will repeat the growth scan and plug all the numbers into the formula to calculate the baby's weight. I'm a little anxious, but not too bad. Even if there is zero growth, they will not deliver me at this point unless the baby is in distress and she certainly doesn't seem to be. I will be very surprised if tomorrow's scan doesn't show at least some growth because those kicks and rolls feel a lot stronger to me! The bottom line is even if there are placental issues, the baby is still developing and the best place for her to develop--based on what we know now--is right where she is. Thursday is 27 weeks; can you believe it?!

Thank you for all the furniture ideas and tips. I check craigslist regularly but never seem to find anything good there; some cities are better about that than others. As you might remember, Botson's craigslist is more infamous than anything else. I'm still pretty sure we won't buy anything until I can go look for myself but I think we have what we need to be able to care for her when she comes home which, no matter when she is born, won't be until February. At some point, we're probably also going to need to decide on a car seat/stroller combo so we can actually take her home and a name might be helpful as well.

For now, however, I'm going to wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving!

I'm Hungry

2010-11-15T17:40:00.002-05:00

The title of the post has nothing to do with the content but I couldn't think of a title and I'm really hungry at the moment so there you go. I'm hoping my food arrives soon.

So the ultrasounds on Friday and today show that the fluid level is stable. I was praying for a dramatic and miraculous increase but I'll take steady. As long as things remain steady, no decisions will be made until the next time they "weigh" the baby which will be a week from Wednesday. She continues to look good during her monitoring and it's so fun to hear her heartbeat for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. Honestly, I think it's better than the ultrasounds.

The other big news of the day is that I ordered a Moses basket! Not terribly exciting for most people but it's a big step for me. I finally found an organic one I like and it was on sale so I bought it. I also want to have a dresser/changing table and some kind of rocker before she comes home but I don't know if that's going to happen. I struggle between the balance of quality and price. If I knew for certain that spending more would mean the pieces would last longer, I wouldn't hesitate but I'm just not so sure. Any thoughts?

My food just arrived so it's goodbye for now. I hope it tastes better than it looks. It doesn't really matter though because I'm going to eat it no matter what.

But, Wait! There's More!

2010-11-11T17:19:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I was super excited to have an ultrasound and find out how much Baby Girl weighs these days. I was warned they just work people in as they have time and I might wait all day so I was really excited when a nurse came shortly after 8 a.m. I was in such a good mood that I didn't even let it bother me when I realized the only doctor I don't really like would be the one doing the scan.

First she looked at my cervix and although she had a lot of difficulty finding the cerclage stitch, she did see it eventually and said she was "pretty sure" I wasn't funneling beyond the stitch. So far, so good. Then she moved on to the baby and began taking measurements. There was a tv monitor I could see but the resolution wasn't very clear so I couldn't clearly see the numbers/dates when she would take a measurement but after the third time I saw 22wXd, I asked her what was going on. She was polite but dismissed me with a, "Just let me finish, and we'll take a look." I remembered why we didn't hit it off last time we met. I was trying so hard not to cry and finally she finished and told me the baby is in the 21st percentile as compared to the last time when she was in the 37th percentile. Also, my amniotic fluid levels are low. She actually said they were in the low-normal range but that's not what the report said. Because she's a fellow, she left the room to consult with the attending and I began to bawl. It was great fun. After what seemed like an eternity, she returned and said she will do a repeat ultrasound on Friday and that a nurse would be there in a few minutes to take me back to my room. Thankfully, it was my nurse and she was armed with tissues and encouraging words. I love the nurses on this floor!

I was pretty upset but I managed to call TOIAW and tell him what happened. He helped me calm down and we agreed not to panic and just wait to speak with my OB who promised to stop by when she had a break (she was working in L&D all day yesterday). That break didn't happen until 9 p.m. but she called several times to tell the nurses to let me know she hadn't forgotten about me. It probably actually for the best because I was much more relaxed by the time I we saw her.

She explained that this is actually more concerning to her than my cervix and she intends to follow me very closely. The indications are that there is a problem with the placenta. TOIAW asked if there was a chance this could turn out the be nothing but she said that the combination the low growth/weight and low fluid levels lead her to believe, "something is brewing." She ordered twice-daily one-hour non-stress tests (basically a really long Doppler that monitors the baby's heartbeat to see if she's active and doesn't have obvious signs of distress) and ultrasounds 3 days a week. If at any time it appears that the baby is in distress, I will have a c-section. For now, it's all about observing the baby and taking cues from her. We are overwhelmingly thankful for every day she stays in my tummy!

We're celebrating 25 weeks today and praying to see more fluid tomorrow!

Lock down!

2010-11-07T22:20:00.007-05:00

I first planned on writing this post to ask for advice but, praise be to God, the issue seems to be resolved. It all began Saturday night when things got a little stuffy in my room and TOIAW and I decided to open the door. My neighbor across the hall saw us and came over to introduce herself. She's 32 weeks and pregnant with twins. She was feeling very overwhelmed last night and told us her life story which is actually quite sad. I won't go into details but she's in a bad relationship with a man who is much older than her and who has made it clear he does not want these babies (a fact he shares with her often). She also has a 9 year old daughter and a daughter who is 22 months.

Yesterday morning the boyfriend came, dropped off the younger daughter, and left for the day. As you might imagine, that's pretty much against the rules for patients on bed rest. I heard her running up and down the hall all morning. I know it was difficult on the mom and the nurses were getting frustrated as well. Eventually they came to my room and stayed and stayed...and stayed. The daughter wrote on everything with a dry erase marker (I'm serious, the table, the floor, the chairs but fortunately it's a hospital so they're all washable). She pulled latex gloves out of their boxes and had them all over the floor. My nurse came in and I could tell she was mortified. I feel bad for the mom and I know she needs/wants company and I can do that for short periods of time but I can't handle entertaining a toddler and offering free counseling for an hour at a time. I eventually texted TOIAW and told him to call me and if that didn't work, he was supposed to call the nurses and have them rescue me. They left while I was still on the phone and a little while later my nurse came in and asked if I wanted company. I told her the truth: I don't mind in small doses but I have so much going on myself and I'm not in a place to bear burdens for strangers. I know that sounds harsh but fortunately my nurse didn't think so. She was kind enough to brief the night nurse and they both said it would be handled further today with the nurse manager.

This morning my nurse didn't say anything and I didn't either. My nurse was in my room and/or in the hall all three times this morning when my neighbor stopped by (to ask for my iPad which I reluctantly let her borrow the third time she asked because she was very persistent and I did not want an awkward situation to become even more so). A little while later my nurse came in and asked about everything so I told her what had happened and she said they were instituting a new "rule" that there can be no borrowing of property and no visitation unless a patient's door is open. What a relief! I had been praying about how to handle the situation and it was totally resolved without me having to say anything to anyone! My heart really hurts for her and her situation and I told God if this is what I'm supposed to do here, I will but I truly believe He confirmed that this is not a season in which I'm meant to minister in that kind of way.

So, for now, the antepartum wing is on lock down! Hopefully this will conclude this episode of General Hospital and we can all get back to our regularly scheduled bed rest.

The Social Worker Said I'm Normal

2010-11-07T11:39:00.002-05:00

First of all, let me just say how awesome you guys are for commenting on my last post which was actually a non-post thanks to iPad/blogger technical difficulties. I think I have figured that out--for the most part--but I'm writing from my laptop today just in case. Also, my neighbor across the hall borrowed my iPad so this is my only writing tool at the moment. And while I'm here I will just mention that I love, love, love my iPad!!!

I wrote a long post Friday but thanks to the funky hospital wi-fi, I lost it and didn't have the energy to rewrite it. I'll just catch you up on the highlights of the hospital thus far...

Check-in Wednesday took forever (like 5+ hours) and I had been sick all morning and was starving so by the time I got to my room I had a wicked headache that prevented me from sleeping very well. My room is at the end of the hallway and it's pretty quiet so I can't even blame hospital noise for that night. I began my glucose tolerance test at 5:00 a.m. and never really fell back asleep after that. Before the test, someone warned me that this hospital uses very strict guidelines when diagnosing gestational diabetes and the only test they use is a 2-hour test as opposed to the more popular 1- and 3-hour tests. Bottom line: I failed the test. I wouldn't have a year ago when they followed the old standards (or at most other facilities in the U.S.) so I guess I just got lucky. It actually hasn't been a big deal because there's a diabetic menu that makes it easy to track what I'm eating and I just call the nurse when it's time to test so there's really nothing special I have to do. I can't say exactly how I'm doing because the steroids I was given to help the baby's lung development interfere with glucose levels but so far mine are well within normal limits (given the circumstances) and both my OB and MFM think it will be a non-issue once they leave my system. Frankly, I think both of them have much bigger concerns when it comes to my treatment. That being said, they're both positive.

On Friday the social worker stopped by. She's straight out of central casting with flowy skirts and artisan jewelery with a distinctive Southwest flair. We chatted for a while during which time the student shadowing her took an alarming amount of notes. She, of course, asked me how I'm doing and I told her I was actually relieved to be here because it meant that 1) I made it to 24 weeks, 2) if I have any questions here, they're easily answered and I don't have to sit at home and wonder and 3) TOIAW has been able to relinquish his role as primary caretaker which is great for him as he nears the end of the semester. Guess what? She said a lot of people feel relief upon admittance to hospital bed rest and she thinks I'm normal! She also told me that 75% of the bed rest patients here are diagnosed with GD which was even more comforting because I'm almost never in the medical majority!

I have more to say but will have to save it for now because my lunch should be here any minute and I don't want to interrupt my schedule. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm bored and/or if I have enough to keep me occupied...the truth is I must just be easily entertained because I have my routine down and the days seem to go by surprisingly fast so far. Let's hope it stays that way!

Packing My Bags

2010-11-02T09:56:00.000-04:00

Are you Serious?

2010-10-29T12:44:00.004-04:00

I don't often feel well after my appointments due to the ultrasound, anxiousness, and activity but I know it's going to be this way and it no longer worries me if I have a few pains afterwards. Only last week it lasted for several days. I called the doctor on Saturday but all I could say is I have some discomfort down there blah, blah, blah...I don't even know why I called but I was hurting and my post-appointment discomfort doesn't usually last that long. Sunday morning was good but by afternoon I was in pain again. I knew I didn't want to go to the hospital but what could it be? I had TOIAW inspect for an infection of some kind but all he said was, "It looks blue-ish purple." I had no idea what that meant but I didn't have any signs of infection so I just rested (like I don't do enough of that already). Same thing Monday morning: fine when I woke-up but pain 1.5 hours after waking. And it wasn't just pain, it was a burning sensation. It had to be an infection, I thought, so I called my OB and she said she wanted me to see the MFM to have him check my cervix just in case.

TOIAW came home and we went to the doctor's office. My OB and MFM no longer share an office so I went to see him first and then, if need be (like if the pain wasn't caused by my cervix), they were going to send me to see my OB. Good plan only I had to wait for quite a while. The good news is, I met a lovely woman who was also waiting and we had a great discussion about affordable housing. She is a property manager at an affordable housing complex so she had a lot of insight. I was inordinately excited to talk about an interesting topic with someone. I hope she didn't notice. Also, it was nice to be distracted because I was really scared. It seemed the symptoms got worse every time I got up or went to the bathroom which concerned me that it actually was my cervix and I was just feeling it on the outside since there aren't a lot of nerve endings around the cervix. Finally it was my turn and the ultrasound showed the the usual less-than-stellar cervical length but, once again, it appears to be stable. So why do I feel like I used sand paper rather than toilet paper? The MFM didn't even examine me, he just said to try an over-the-counter yeast infection cream. Fine. We stopped at a pharmacy on the way home and got the necessary supplies. I followed the directions and felt some relief for about 5-10 minutes...until I got tears in my eyes and told TOIAW I was pretty sure someone tampered with the package and replaced the regular cream with acid. I was in so much pain!

I eventually fell asleep but the next morning I called my OB. She suggested "airing out the area" and made me an appointment for her next office day (Thursday). Guess what she found? You'll never guess unless you've had this issue before (and I so hope you haven't). This is what I have. It's not the best link, but you get the idea. Surprisingly, a combination of cortisone cream and trying not to irritate the area have helped a lot.

The good news is my cervix was closed when she looked at it and "there's some thickness to it" whatever that means. It would seem that if it were normal she would have said that outright but I know I'm not normal. What is normal anyway?

Steady-ish?

2010-10-22T10:48:00.002-04:00

Yesterday's appointments went pretty well. First I had a cervical check, which showed maybe a slight shortening from last week but I'm not open beyond the stitch (praise the Lord!). It's difficult to get an accurate measurement when it's always a different person performing the ultrasound and you would think that in a small office that wouldn't happen but different nurses work different days and sometimes the doctor does it himself so there is some margin for error. So last week my cervix was 1.6 cm and this week it was 1 cm which seems like a big difference to me--especially for just one week--but no one said anything (except my OB but I'll get there in a minute). TOIAW says it's been at 1 cm before and we already know it changes so I'm trying my best to hang in there and not freak out and think about thinning and softening and the like...

We briefly spoke to the MFM before he went down to confer with my OB. I will see him on Wednesday next week and the following Wednesday I will see him and then go to the hospital for admission because that's the day my OB is on call. We had a pretty short appointment with her but she was the only one who pointed out that the difference between last week and this week. Maybe no one else said anything because there isn't much point? I don't know.

Of course last night I had quite a bit of discomfort/pain that bothered me but I'm kind of getting used to it. It goes away when I sleep and it's here and there today but nothing like yesterday. I'm not sure if it's all the activity or the exam or both but it often happens on appointment days. I only have to hold out for 11 more days and then I get 2 ultrasounds a week and they'll travel to me...how awesome is that?

I've enjoyed having my brother's family here this week for their yummy food and even better company/entertainment so I'll be sad for them to leave tomorrow. It's going to be so quiet! We then have about a week on our own before my aunt and cousins arrive and they will stay until I'm admitted...or should I say committed?

Holding Steady

2010-10-16T12:51:00.002-04:00

Let me just say that I fully intended to write this update Thursday morning, however, I have a horrible case of tendinitis in my right arm and typing is rather painful. Thankfully, it is better today but I don't want to push it so this will be short.

I did not feel well Wednesday at all. I hadn't slept the night before and then I began cramping (right after I wrote my last post) and it would not go away. I called to see if there were any openings and even though there weren't, they did "work me in" which meant I was seen after all the other patients. It looks like things are still holding steady at 1.7 cm although I have no idea what that means other than there is no change from the previous week. It's altogether possible that I open and close daily which makes the cerclage my first line of defense. In other exciting news, my doctor suggested we go out to dinner on our way home. We did, it was great, and I remembered how to behave in public. I wonder if the same will hold true when I attempt to apply make-up again?

My brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew will be arriving in a few hours. They'll be here for a week. If nothing else, they will provide plenty of entertainment and it is doubtful I will be bored or lonely with them around.

I'm off to nurse my tendinitis some more. I use my computer once every 2-3 days which makes me think this injury is more likely from playing games on my phone. So incredibly pathetic...

Feelings

2010-10-13T12:17:00.003-04:00

Yesterday afternoon/evening and today have been really rough and I'm not even sure why. The most obvious reason would probably be that I had some sharp round ligament-like pains yesterday which, when combined with the [nearly] omnipresent cerclage pulls, tugs, and twinges, are never good for my psyche. Then there's the issue of my frail psyche who was feeling lonely and sorry for itself. Even though TOIAW works from home as much as he can, he's nearly always studying and while it's awesome to have him here "just in case," he's not much of a companion. So when he came down last night for a study break and I told him what I was feeling (physically) and he kind of laughed and said something like, "It's always something!" I dissolved in tears. He wasn't being a jerk; he was trying to make light of the situation. But it's NOT FUNNY when all you do ALL DAY LONG is lie (or is it lay? I never remember) around and FEEL everything.

I've done some very unscientific experiments to prove that the vast majority of the things I feel are innocuous (I mean sure, bad things could be going on in there but the likelihood of me feeling them like I think I'm feeling them is not very high). For instance, if I'm having cramps and I get up to go to the bathroom, I rarely notice them and they usually disappear by the time I get back to the couch/bed. The same is true with most of the twinges I feel. If I get up or change positions, it usually alleviates the problem which would lead me to believe it's not so much of a problem but that never stops me from worrying. The same is true for when I think I feel pressure and, even though I'm not an expert in physics, I'm pretty sure that pressure would be magnified when standing up as opposed to reclining. Granted, I could go into my appointment tomorrow and have my worst fears confirmed but the truth is I've had nearly all these "feelings" for 5.5 weeks now and there has yet to be a correlation between them and what's happening inside.

Speaking of my appointment, I both dread it and look forward to it. It's so twisted. And I don't know which version of my doctor is going to show up on any given day. The somewhat optimistic one or the compassionate, give-me-a-hug-and-a-you're-a-nice-couple-who-doesn't-deserve-this-speech-and-I'm-so-sorry one.

On a completely different note, if you need any information on Massachusetts or New Hampshire political races, please let me know. Most of my knowledge is based on commercials and debates although I have done the odd web search just to satisfy my own curiosity. And, because I clearly have way too much time on my hands, I've even reached out to the campaigns of 2 different candidates from own party to tell them I think their ads are arrogant and hostile and I cannot possibly see how they could be beneficial (on any level). All that did was get me on their email distribution lists. I've never run a political campaign but it would seem to me that the most effective strategy would be to promote yourself rather than trashing your opponent. If retailers did that we would be outraged. Can you imagine a Target commercial where all they did was trash Wal-Mart for 30 seconds? Would that entice you to shop there? Yet we allow it in politics because that's "just the way it is." I hope the elections in your area are more civil.

Okay, enough procrastination on my editing work. It's very interesting to edit papers on topics about which I know nothing. Who really needs to read 7-8 pages on the assimilation of mountain cultures as it pertains to the frontier expansion of Russia and China? Not me.

Roller Coasters and [extremely tentative] Plans

2010-10-08T10:00:00.002-04:00

When last we left off, I couldn't go 5 minutes without breaking down in tears. That was most of last Friday and early Saturday morning. I doubt I slept more than an hour that night. I then woke-up to increased vaginal discharge. I had mentioned it to the doctor at my appointment and he said normally he would attribute it to the cerclage, but in light of the funneling beyond the stitch, he was inclined to take it as a more ominous sign. So of course I called once I realized it was not going away. I managed to make it through the call to the answering service but as soon as the doctor called me back I was in tears and handed the phone to TOIAW. The on-call doctor felt I needed a manual exam--something my doctor had not done the day before--so off we went. A part of me truly felt it was over.

I was seen quickly by the high risk OB and the sweetest resident who we met earlier in the week. Her family immigrated to the U.S. when she was a teenager and they live very close to TOIAW's parents. First, they did the speculum exam which showed a closed cervix with no pressure on the stitch followed by a manual exam that confirmed no dilation. Then they performed an ultrasound that showed me open to the stitch but not beyond it. The doctor explained that a manual exam is far more telling at this point and she proclaimed me "stable."

Then we waited for an hour or two for my discharge paperwork during which time I slept and TOIAW did homework. We made it home and I slept some more while he did homework. Our neighbors hosted a party that began around 4:00. TOIAW went to get my mom at the airport and we all went to sleep to the sounds of the drunk revelers next door. It was so much better than the day I thought I was going to have!

The remainder of the week was uneventful with me getting plenty of time in bed and my mom taking care of everything. My main project has been following up on a home health care aide. Our insurance has approved it but the woman who handles the referrals has not been able to find a company willing to do the work (light housekeeping, cooking, shopping, laundry, etc.) so that's still not settled.

The big event of the week was my appointment yesterday. I absolutely dreaded it! By the time we arrive I was sick, as per usual. I was dry heaving as I signed in and of course I had to pee but you can't ever "just" pee at the OB's office so I had to complete the 14 steps necessary to give my sample and somehow with the nerves, nausea, and smells it didn't turn out so good but, whatever, I'm used to it. Thankfully I had a short wait and the cervical check showed I'm still funneled to the stitch but not beyond. I was hoping for a miracle, but I'll take it. The nurse had just started to look at the baby when the doctor came in. He proclaimed the baby to be in a bad position to see her heart and brain so we left it at that and began to chat.

The first thing we discussed was the results of the manual exam. He dismissed the findings of the manual exam saying they were skewed because of the cerclage. I'm going to chalk that up to a difference in medical opinion. He was open about the fact that he can trend towards the negative but I get that because I know he's trying to be realistic with us. On the other hand, he admits that we know a lot more about this than some people and he feels we are realistic as well so he said he also wanted to talk to us about his plan should I make it another 4 weeks. At that point, he will admit me to the hospital for the duration of my pregnancy (or until I make it a lot further along) and the decision we have to make is do we want to resuscitate before 25 weeks (after which it is the hospital's policy to do it no matter what). This decision will be the determining factor in then deciding when I will receive steroids to aid in lung development and hopefully help prevent brain hemorrhaging as well. If you will remember, Sarah had a massive brain bleed that likely would have greatly influenced her quality of life. It's a lot to consider but at least this week I wasn't the patient who left the office in tears.

Today I'm going to email one of Sarah's neonatologists because TOIAW and I both feel like we need to talk to someone with his perspective. He's awesome and we really respect his opinion.

And just to touch on a few things that have been raised in the comments (and, by the way, I am thankful for every single kind word, prayer, and piece of advice), the reason we are not opting for hospital bed rest at this time is we don't really feel it would make a difference this early. Also, so far, I haven't experienced any [noticeable] contractions so as long as my uterus stays relaxed, my cervix--with the help of the cerclage--stays closed. The medications you are typically given in the hospital are to stop contractions but, again, I'm not there yet. Additionally, many doctors now feel that these medications should be used sparingly as the body develops a resistance to them over time and they are most useful when trying to stave off labor until steroids have had a chance to become effective. So that's where we are on that. Expect my attitude to change dramatically if I start to contract.

Thanks again for all your love and support. It really helps keep me going!

Not Well At All

2010-10-01T13:52:00.002-04:00

Just a little background before I copy and paste an email update I sent my friends...things haven't been great but they haven't been horrible either. At my appointment last Friday I was once again open to the stitch but my doctor didn't seem too concerned because he had seen it like that before. My cervix measured 1.89 cm. On Sunday and Monday I had some cramping and when it didn't go away I called and was sent to L&D triage. The same doctor I had seen the week before did an ultrasound and speculum exam and he said everything looked the same (not open beyond the stitch, no pressure on the stitch) as it had so he didn't think there was cause for concern regarding the cramping and he measured my cervix at 2.2 cm. The following is what happened today...and my emotional ramblings to along with it:

Just kidding, Blogger won't let me copy and paste or I'm doing something wrong and I don't feel like messing with it so the short version is at my appointment today I am opening beyond the stitch and am likely 1 cm dilated. This has been a quick progression and things don't look good. Also, I'm beginning to have increased discharge which is likely a sign of labor. I'm 19w1d today and nothing can be done now in terms of medication or other interventions. I called my previous MFM in Oklahoma and he said he would follow the same course in terms of home bed rest and progesterone shots and he also said the situation is not without hope.

My MFM here was very sweet today which helped a little, I guess. I know he and his staff care a great deal and I do still feel like we're all doing everything we can at this juncture. We're just praying for a lot more time or God's grace and mercy...or both.

Not A Proper Update

2010-09-20T21:06:00.002-04:00

I'm still here. Still on bed rest. Still terrified but making it. Since I last wrote, I've had 1 appointment with my MFM, 1 OB appointment, and 2 trips to labor and delivery...and the cervix is holding steady as best we can tell. Thank you, Lord! And thank you for the great insurance! (Not having it wouldn't change anything but it would be a lot more expensive.) My last trip to L&D was this morning due to relentless cramping. It lasted for several hours but, naturally, it had pretty much ended by the time I got there but I did freak everyone out a bit with my vomiting (on an empty stomach--so. not. fun.). The rest of the day I was sick and had a headache--oh how I wish those were always my worst symptoms!

My mom came last week after I had a mini-breakdown about how I was starving and we had all our stuff everywhere with no one to put it away. It might have been a hormone-fueled exaggeration but she came and it was wonderful to have her here.

I would write more but my laptop is heavy and large and it's just not comfortable for typing nor do I think it's a good idea for me to lift it very often. I'm trying to convince TOIAW I need an iPad.

This concludes my horrible "update" but I do promise more very soon.

Finding Our Stride

2010-09-09T10:22:00.002-04:00

Initially I was going to title this Hitting Our Stride but we're not quite there yet.

I last went to the grocery store a week ago today. I've pretty much eaten all the food we have (had). Ummmm...I'm hungry. When TOIAW brought home falafel last night it was like manna from heaven. But he doesn't get home until late so we clearly need a different plan. Enter the Crock Pot. I am currently compiling a list of recipes that even my cooking-challenged husband can throw together. Also, I will dictate the menus. Remember when he thought pasta was a vegetable because it's made from wheat?

The tricky part to all of this is making sure the majority of the meals are healthy because, let's face it, I'm not burning a lot of calories and I want to make sure that what I do eat counts and isn't just empty calories. And there is one other somewhat tricky part: TOIAW grocery shopping. He's not bad at it, per se, but he buys a lot of junk and spends a lot more money than I do. Oh well.

What I really wish I had were recipes for meals that can be assembled ahead of time. When we lived in D.C. and I was in the midst of debilitating grief, I would go to one of those meal assembly places and stock my freezer with meals that just needed to be thawed and shoved in the oven. If only I could remember any of those recipes. I know casseroles are good for that but TOIAW is not a casserole kind of guy and while he might eat it if it's his only option, it's doubtful he will assemble one. I suppose I will at least get some marinade recipes together and have him freeze some meat in a bag with the marinade so all we have to do is thaw and grill. And really we only need to survive another week or so and then my mom is coming and she can help with some of this also. That is, when she's not unpacking, cleaning, doing laundry, walking the dogs, or grocery shopping (shhh...don't tell her this is my plan for her or she might change her mind).

Speaking of cleaning, I've contacted several cleaning services and have heard back from zero. My house is not that dirty. Oh, and it would be so nice if the dogs could go somewhere at least twice a week to play but Bootsy, the mild-mannered party puppy who gets along with ALL dogs, FAILED the interview at the doggie day care with the best location. They both passed somewhere else but the hours and location just don't work with our current situation.

This has all happened so suddenly and we have ZERO support system here. So far I've met my next door neighbor who is, um, odd and two little boys who come over daily to play with PP. That's it. And I don't think I'll be meeting many people from my perch on the sofa or bed. Since TOIAW doesn't work here on base, he doesn't know anyone here either. I wanted to go to Bible study but it didn't begin until this week so that's not going to happen. Part of the reason I wanted to live here was so I could meet people and be part of a community again. Enough of my pity party, I don't even know why I started on that anyway.

I suppose I'll get back to finding our stride in all of this craziness. The important thing is to stay focused on the main thing: Keeping my cervix happy and our sweet baby nice and snug in there.

A 4.5 Hour Tour

2010-09-08T10:47:00.003-04:00

Huge praise: My cervix is responding to bed rest! Hallelujah! I'm unclear on the numbers because we were told 3.3-3.5cm on Friday but yesterday he said 2.8 which he claimed was longer than Friday. He also said I was funnelled almost to my cerclage stitch Friday which no one mentioned (thankfully; if he had said that I would have been on bed rest because I would have been in bed crying all weekend). In any event, the doctor said he was encouraged and the most important thing is not the numbers but that the cervix relaxes and lengthens.

Another huge thing is that we liked the doctor so much better yesterday! He spent more time with us and fully answered our questions. I also met the OB with whom he shares his office because she will be the one who does my delivery. They met with us at the same time which is something we will do for several more weeks until we reach viability and then I will see her more. So I guess I just needed more mollycoddling!

Seriously though, we discussed a trans-abdominal cerclage and P17 shots and rather than quickly saying, "No and no," he explained his answers (to be fair, that's not what he said Friday but he didn't elaborate much on his answers either). As far as the TAC goes, he acknowledges the possible risk and heartache but he does not feel a TAC at this point is worth the risk in someone who has not had a failed trans-vaginal cerclage. I get that and, frankly, I was leaning in that direction anyway but I did email the uber-doctor in Chicago who is the expert TAC guy to ask him his opinion. In regards to the P17, he doesn't think I need it because my uterus--so far--is not irritated. Also, he's very conservative when it comes to medication during pregnancy. Again, I get that and I tend to agree. He did, however, tell us it's up to us and if I want it, he'll give it to me. I thought that was very reasonable and I appreciated his approach. It looks like we're all going to get along.

One possible area of concern yesterday was my blood pressure. After sitting in the waiting room for over an hour, and then the exam room for 15 minutes, my anxiety was sky-high. When the doctors mentioned it after the ultrasound, I asked them to take it one more time. Fortunately, it was just fine then! My next appointment is Tuesday. Until then it's rest, rest, rest!

Thank you so much for all the sweet comments, thoughtful suggestions, advice, encouragement, and prayers. It means so much to me!

And I should explain the title refers to how long we were gone thanks to traffic and an insane waiting room time. It was pretty ridiculous actually. I just sat there thinking, "I can't shower every day but I can sit in the car and the waiting room for hours?" Oh well...

Incompetent

2010-09-04T09:20:00.002-04:00

It's official: I have an incompetent cervix. This was diagnosed yesterday during an ultrasound that showed the inside of my cervix is opening. It's obviously not good news. TOIAW and I were pretty much shell-shocked and didn't really have the presence of mind to ask many questions. I am on complete bed rest with instructions to get up and be up as little as possible. The doctor went as far as to mention there have been no studies comparing bed rest patients who have showered daily and those who don't but he recommended I don't.

One of my first thoughts was, "How is this going to help? I'm practically on bed rest now since I'm still so sick. I don't do anything." Of course, after one evening of doing nothing I realized how much I was doing and, granted, it wasn't a staggering amount but I was up more than I thought I was. But she only weighs 4 ounces...how could she be putting pressure on my cervix? I'm so scared. Terrified, actually.

I go back Tuesday afternoon which is soon but he didn't have anything later in the week. I plan on asking a lot of questions then. Questions such as, my cervix is still long (3.3-3.5cm), does that mean anything? Can you do another cerclage stitch higher? Are the low pains and twinges I'm having likely cervical in nature? When do I panic? What are the things that would send me directly to the hospital?

The doctor told us bed rest is a theory and it certainly not proven but nothing is and once the cervix begins to open that's it, it's not going to close but hopefully we can prevent it from opening further. He said he wants to try to get me 4-5 weeks past where I was when I delivered Sarah. So far I've resisted Googling 'babies born at 28-29 weeks;' I just can't go there yet. And, to be honest, right now I'm wondering if we'll make it that far. I'm trying to stay calm but I'm so, so scared.

Ugh.

2010-09-02T19:36:00.002-04:00

I really wish my appointment had been today. Chances are everything is fine but I just keep having the who-ha pain and it really scares me. I just want to have a normal cervical length and see our beloved Little One. Well, that and I want this pain to GO AWAY. Is that too much to ask?

My appointment is at 2 p.m. EST. Feel free to pray. I'll update afterwards. By the way, I'm 15 weeks today. That's something to celebrate, right?

Moving On Up

2010-09-01T10:40:00.002-04:00

My doctor's appointment, that it. I wasn't scheduled to meet my new doctors until next Friday. I had tried to get an appointment earlier in the week but with Labor Day and Rosh Hashanah, it was a crazy week for them. I figured I could just deal with it even though I was used to weekly appointments and they expected me to go nearly 3 weeks before seeing my baby/being reassured that things are still growing nicely in there. I didn't make it, though. Last night I had dull cramping all night and now I feel some pressure/pain way down there which isn't new but it won't seem to go away so I thought I would call and see if I could move up my appointment. Now I'm going on Friday afternoon right about the time the hurricane will be visiting the area. Friday afternoon of a holiday weekend combined with hurricane rain and winds should make for awesome driving conditions. A normal person would wait until next week. I am not normal.

What do you think my doctor will say when I ask him why it feels like someone wearing pointy steel-toed boots kicked me in the crotch and even when I "lay down" as the Internets suggest, it still takes quite some time for the pain to subside? And why is it that when I get up to do go to the bathroom or let the dogs in/out, it begins to feel better but if I am in the sitting position for more than 5 minutes, I'm searching the house for a ghost wearing those darn boots? How long do you think it will take him to find a red marker and write "CRAZY" on my file?

Harsh Realities

2010-08-31T16:59:00.002-04:00

It seems my house is not going to unpack itself. Bummer. Also, we did not get a self-cleaning house. Double bummer. And if all that wasn't enough, TOIAW and I are shopping for furniture which is so frustrating I'm considering hiring a mediator to go with us on our next fact finding mission. Because looking is all we seem to do--well, that and bickering about budget and style--and it seems we're light years away from purchasing anything. It's been loads of fun.

I've been here one week today. I saw my doctor last Monday and he cleared me for travel so I bought a ticket for the next day and got here as fast as I could. Our house is nice, the area where we live is gorgeous, and I've lined up highly rated doctors so it stands to reason that there would be something to bring me back to reality. That something is Nausea. I have been so freaking sick since I've been here. Yesterday I was in the left lane on a 4-lane interstate and managed to pull over just in time to use the tissue box TOIAW shoved in my direction. We littered because he is a weak, weak man and didn't want it in the car with us. I had a nightmare I was arrested for littering bodily fluids which, in my dream at least, carries a very stiff penalty in Massachusetts.

I desperately want to cook but that hasn't happened yet unless you count the rotisserie chicken, potato wedges (frozen), and salad I served once last week. I desperately want to get the things we have put away before we receive the last shipment but the execution of that plan isn't going so well. I probably could have done some stuff today but we went furniture shopping again and now I've reached the witching hour of nausea.

One day I'll be a good (or at least adequate) wife again...right?

The Uterus Had a Vote

2010-08-22T14:31:00.002-04:00

So...I'm still in Oklahoma and TOIAW is at our new house in MA. "What happened?" you ask.

Thursday was full of last-minute packing, errands, and a final doctor's appointment before we were departed. And a nice plan it was. Before TOIAW began his military diplomat career, he spent most of his army time as a planner. Among these planning types there is a saying that the enemy gets a vote meaning you can plan all you want but the other side might not allow you to execute your plan exactly how you, well, planned. On Thursday, my uterus had a vote as to how we carried out our plans.

I had been a little on edge all morning which may or may not have had anything to do with me finding a few more items to take after TOIAW had packed the car to his crazy OCD packing standards. This caused us to be late leaving the house and there was a train and a woman who ran a red light and by the time I arrived, I was a little on edge. TOIAW dropped me off at the door and went to park the car. I first felt what I assumed was gas pain as I was walking into the office and I had to stop it was so intense. I made it in and sat down and just as TOIAW walked in, it happened again. I walked back to the bathroom and I must have looked bad because the nurse asked me if I was okay. Then I heard myself say, "I'm either having bad gas pain or contractions." What? I was quickly ushered into a room and TOIAW was retrieved. As Murphy's Law would have it, I had the worst ultrasound tech I've ever had in this practice. She first measured my cervix and said it was fine but when I asked her what it was last time she said she didn't know. Then look it up! It was in your office! And then she did look it up and quickly closed my chart. Uhhh, did you see what it was last week? Yes. And? It was 4 cm then and it's 3 cm now. Oh. But 3 cm is still good. Ouch! Is that a contraction? I don't know; there's no way to tell. Can you please show me the baby's heartbeat? I want to see the baby!

She then switched to the abdominal ultrasound which showed the baby who had a great heartbeat and measured right on schedule. I so wanted to find solace in that but with the pain I was experiencing, I couldn't. And the ultrasound hurt because my abdomen was really tender. I was super scared. The tech left and after a few minutes she stuck her head in and said I could get dressed because the doctor had seen the pictures. I knew then he was going to send me over to the hospital for anti-contraction meds which is exactly what he did. He came in and examined me and was puzzled by the abdominal tenderness but wanted to give me the meds as well as more anti-inflammatory in case it was somehow related to the cerclage. TOIAW and I walked over to the hospital and after I walked I felt a little better. I never had any more of the intense pains after that even though it took quite awhile before the meds were administered. This certainly lends credence to the gas pains theory but there's no way to know. After a couple of hours I was sent back to the doctor's office where he gave me a script for the terbutaline and the anti-inflammatory med and told me to call him the next day.

I came home and rested (and cried because I really didn't want TOIAW to do the drive alone and, probably, because it had been such an emotional day). My abdomen slowly felt better and I rested well but when I woke-up in the morning I had moderate period-like cramping. It lasted most of the day and even though I know it's normal I really wanted it to go away. Finally, sometime in the late afternoon, it did. Hallelujah! I was off all medications and feeling normal!

I planned (there's that word again) on waking up Saturday and going to the farmer's market with my mom and returning emails. HA! I was so nauseous yesterday I kept nothing down. Nothing. Fortunately, I didn't have any more cramping but the pressure from vomiting did cause a few twinges. All in all, however, it was actually a relief as compared to the previous two days.

I have another appointment Monday morning and after that I'll decide what I'm going to do. I refuse to make advance plans!

TOIAW made it to MA safely and this morning he received the first of 3 shipments of our stuff. Both he and the dogs fared well despite driving 1,000+ miles yesterday. I cannot even imagine how miserable it would have been to drive with him yesterday so it was probably all for the best (except the freaking out parts). I can't wait to join him and get settled in!

In the meantime, I'm just going to relax. I cannot help but think that that the stress of the day led to what happened and it was a huge wake-up call for me. I must do my best to stay calm. Only 26 days, 4 weeks left.

P.S. The next person who tells me I'm now in my second trimester and should be over my nausea might get kicked in the teeth.

Change O' Plans

2010-08-18T18:13:00.002-04:00

Don't freak out but we've had a change of plans that now includes me driving to Boston with TOIAW. I hope I don't regret this...

I've just never been comfortable with him driving 28 hours alone (except the dogs which is just added stops and responsibility) and my doctor doesn't have a problem with it so I'm going to go for it. We're going to take it slowly and if I need to stop, we'll stop whether it be for an hour for me to lay down in the back or for the night so I can sleep in a bed. I'm mainly worried about the nausea but I know flying would have been miserable because I often get sick on planes (although I got used to it when I was a flight attendant; weird, I know). Also, I was very concerned about lifting my luggage and making a tight connection.

I guess I'm ready to move but I wish I was going to arrive at a house already unpacked and fully set-up...and I wish I could take my family and doctor with me! I'm just praying I find the right doctor for me. Tomorrow I have my last appointment in Oklahoma. I'm so sad to be leaving my doctor here!

Sorry, I planned on writing more but all of the sudden I'm really tired. I've been going to bed very early. I hope TOIAW will be okay driving tomorrow night with a sleeping wife and puppies in the car!

Baby Gates, Injuries, and Moving

2010-08-15T11:56:00.005-04:00

I'm 2 days post-cerclage and feeling great! The IV and the numbing medication for the spinal were the worst parts with the former being far worse than the latter and I have 5 bruises to prove it. TOIAW refers to the cerclage as a baby gate. I hope it keeps the little one in there for another 35ish weeks ;)

I did NOT like the spinal anesthesia AT ALL--hated the lack of feeling, hated how long it took for my lower body to "wake-up," and I especially hated the shivering that came along with it. The actual cerclage, however, went very well (from what they tell me) and that's the most important thing now, isn't it? I had some cramping the rest of the day Saturday but the spotting was minimal to say the least. All in all, it was FAR better than I anticipated and I am so grateful for that!

Unfortunately, TOIAW is not faring so well with health issues. He arrived in Oklahoma with a stiff neck that pretty much stayed the same all week until it begain migrating down his back the past couple of days. He's in pain which is impeding his sleep so you can imagine how less than thrilled I am about him leaving today to drive to Boston. With my dogs. Three of the most important people in my life will be in that car...with a driver who can barely turn his head. I'm trying to talk him into going to staying another day, seeing a doctor, and admitting that he's no longer the younger version of himself who could carry a 100+ pound ruck sack for miles and miles up and down the hills of Georgia. I would settle for the first two, though. I even promised him that if he stays another day I will go to Best Buy with him and stay as long as he wants without complaint.

It looks like I'm going to get my way (and then some, maybe) because he just found out that our household goods are not going to be delivered until the end of next week*. Living in an empty house sans proper doggy fencing would be rather interesting but probably not a positive experience. Not that I would want to sit in an empty house alone for a week either. The good news is I will be there next Tuesday and we can sit in the empty house together. Oh, the joys of moving! Oh, the joys of having TOIAW and my puppies here with me for at least another day!

*At this point, I'll take a delay any way it comes. Well, not any way but you know what I mean.

NT Scan

2010-08-12T11:13:00.002-04:00

On Monday I had a little spotting so I called my doctor's office and was able to move my appointment from Thursday to Tuesday. The spotting turned out--thankfully--to be just a tiny bit but I was happy to have an earlier appointment.

Baby looked great on the ultrasound...just moving and grooving and doing his/her thing! Actually, the ultrasound tech gave us her best gender guess but the doctor said it was too early for him to tell so I won't be making any announcements just yet. Anyway, the nuchal fold measurement is within the normal range and we saw two arms and two legs and although she mentioned a few other things I cannot remember them (although two brain hemispheres and bladder do come to mind now that I think about it). We have the ultrasound on DVD so if you're in our neck of the woods and want to stop by, we'll throw it on. Ultrasound DVDs are the new vacation photo slide shows.

So the cerclage is scheduled for Saturday morning at 8:00. I have to be there at 6:00--yikes! For those of you who know what this means, my doctor does a McDonald cerclage with spinal anesthesia. I hadn't really thought much about it until last night when I began Googling it right before bed and then I got a little freaked out. [Angie, I will be emailing you with some questions!] But I do feel better that I'm having a preventative cerclage rather than an emergent one and the risk of infection is much lower now than if I had one earlier.

Oh, and I haven't even mentioned that TOIAW is here! He got in Sunday much to my and the dogs' delight! I've been sick every day since he's been here but--with the exception of yesterday--I've been able to get out and do some things. I don't think he's developed a complete understanding of how I'm feeling but he seems to be a bit more sympathetic. Tonight he's planned a romantic (ha!) evening at the hotel where we got married.

Still Here. Still Sick.

2010-08-04T16:08:00.004-04:00

I can tell I'm beginning to feel better some times of the day but afternoons continue to be very rough. I've all but given up on the medication because it doesn't seem to make a difference (I've done comparison days). No matter what I do, I still vomit 1-2 times a day. Some days more...much more. Again, not complaining (right now, at least), just letting you know why I'm so uncharacteristically quiet. I try my best not to feel sorry for myself. If I do, it usually ends in a I-miss-Sarah-and-my-dad meltdown.

There is a family friend who has been sick since right after my dad died. He was in the hospital for 6+ weeks due to colon issues and ended up having surgery which resulted in complications including pneumonia and an infection that was diagnosed as MRSA a couple of weeks ago. He's lost over 60lbs. In short, he's been through hell. I often think of him when I'm feeling bad and that often leads me to think of people who face pain/illness every day for years. It reminds me of one of my favorite Psalms:

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills--
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip--
He who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you--
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm--
He will watch over your life;

The Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Tired.

2010-07-30T10:00:00.002-04:00

Between PP and the baby, I spent nearly 3.5 hours with doctors yesterday. Good news: Both are doing well. [Actually, PP is doing okay but she does have a nasty skin infection on her ear, bless her heart.] The baby continues to look good despite tiny amounts of continued spotting. We even got to see some wiggling yesterday which was fun!

I go back in 2 weeks for the nuchal tranlucency screening and then I'll get the cerclage a few days later. Thankfully, TOIAW will be here with me then.

But I am so tired. I want to go back to sleep right now but I have to get ready for a dentist appointment. Maybe I can sleep while I'm getting my teeth cleaned?

Current Events with Rachel

2010-07-28T13:58:00.002-04:00

Alternate title: Rachel's Rants

SPC Bradley Manning, 22, is a person of interest in the case of approximately 1 billion pages of leaked classified material. It has been reported that he was "disgruntled." Oh my gravy, disgruntled at 22?! Dude has a long life ahead of him.

Arizona's immigration law will go into effect tomorrow. I'm not going to step into the thick of it but I will say this: Think what you want about undocumented immigrants but there's no reason to be hateful about it. You never know, all that hate may be why Arizona's governor has the skin of a prune. Then again she could have just spent too much time in the sun but are you willing to risk it? DON'T HATE!!!

In November, Oklahoma will elect it's first female governor. I'm so proud! I believe both candidates would do a good job, but I must betray my political affiliation and pledge my vote to the other party's candidate. I really like her. And from what I can tell she obviously uses appropriate amounts of sunscreen.

I heard this today on Fresh Air. I greatly admire this man for being courageous enough to share his beliefs despite the consequences.

Nesting

2010-07-23T11:27:00.002-04:00

I'm really excited about our new house. We had some drama deciding which house to choose but in the end we went with an older house even though it's smaller. The benefits are it has hardwood floors, a nice yard, and it's $950 a month cheaper than the new homes. This was worth foregoing a bigger kitchen, fiber optic cable and internet, a laundry room on the main floor, an attached garage, and hours of carpet cleaning. I might be crazy...but $950? Since I won't have to do any entertaining (I can if I want, but it's not necessary for TOIAW's job) I decided to take the money and run. I've known several people with more than one child who have lived in similar military housing and haven't gotten any money back so I think we're doing pretty well. Besides, basement laundry builds character. And muscles. And while I'm pregnant TOIAW will do all the carrying anyway.

The house is quite charming and I'm so excited to decorate it. We took very few things to the MC and even though we had beautiful furnishings, it never felt very homey. I'm ready to have my stuff -- and hopefully some new stuff to go with it -- and settle in for 17 months. This is where I once again point out that this will be the longest we have ever lived in one house. I might even make some casseroles.

Perfect

2010-07-22T20:37:00.002-04:00

That's what the MFM said about the baby. He's not concerned about the bleeding. He explained why and what he thinks it is but all I remember is it has something to do with the placenta. I had the same ultrasound tech today as I did Monday and she said the sac looked better today because the fluid she saw around it on Monday is no longer there.

Sorry to sound indifferent because I'm not but I am super sick. I've hardly kept anything down yesterday and today. I got a script for Zofran today and it might be helping a little. Also, I'm tired. I wish I had more energy to write this post but I'm so thankful I'm relaxed enough to sleep again.

More good news of the day: I was graduated to the abdominal ultrasound. No more undressing from the waist down!

2010-07-20T21:06:00.002-04:00

The spotting had nearly stopped and then, two hours ago, BAM! it was back again. Bright red and not a small amount (and although it hasn't really gotten on the pad I'm wearing, I'm checking it obsessively so it might not have a chance) with a small clot. All this is making me weary...I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to believe everything is going to be okay because I KNOW this is not normal and bleeding during pregnancy is never a good thing.

When I made it through the night and morning with no more red blood I assumed it was because I didn't take my Lovenox (blood thinner) shot last night. I thought we were onto something and was starting to think we were done with it. Au contraire. Now I'm wondering if I should try to see the doctor again tomorrow or wait until Thursday or if any of this will even be an issue because what if I start bleeding heavier and begin a full miscarriage?

I've been so very tired today and all I want to go is go to bed and wake-up tomorrow and not have to deal with anything but a normal pregnancy.

You Had Me At 'Hello'

2010-07-19T15:57:00.002-04:00

I think I'm in love with my MFM's practice. They don't think I'm crazy. In fact, the doctor told me I am smart. I don't know what that has to do with anything but I liked it.

Thankfully, everything still looks good as far as the baby is concerned and an exam showed my cervix is long and closed. We had a long discussion about the cost benefit of Lovenox now that I'm spotting. If there is any more red blood, I will discontinue it at least until my appointment Thursday. I really appreciated his holistic approach rather than just looking at the baby and pronouncing everything to be fine (not that I don't like the RE's office because they're wonderful also; they're just not high-risk OBs).

One of the things I appreciated most was that both the ultrasound technician and the doctor actually READ my file before seeing me. This probably sounds insignificant but there have been so many times in the past 4 years where I have spent not a short amount of time filling out medical history questionnaire only to have the doctor ask me my history. For one thing, why did I have to fill that out and, for another, have you thought that maybe it's difficult for me to discuss without getting emotional?

I know I'm rambling but I'm tired, hot, and nauseous. I just wanted to write a quick update so no one gets nervous. I'm the only one around here who's allowed to be panicky.

They Would Have Figured it Out Eventually

2010-07-19T10:18:00.004-04:00

This morning I called the MFM (perinatologist/high risk OB for those of you who don't understand my lingo) to see if I could move up my Thursday appointment to Wednesday...or Tuesday afternoon. No appointments were available but I was transferred to the nurse (without being asked; I promise I wasn't being pushy). I explained to her that I was spotting but I had a completely normal ultrasound yesterday so I was mainly looking for more (quicker?) reassurance. She put me on hold and said that my doctor's partner is at their new office today (in a different city but only about 30-40 minutes drive) and has some appointments available so I could see him if I'd like. I hesitated...I mean how many ultrasounds can I have in the span of four days? But as she correctly pointed out I'm not going to feel better until the spotting stops and maybe a better ultrasound machine and/or a pregnancy specialist, as opposed to a fertility specialist, can shed a little more light on the situation. Granted, there is little chance I will know any more afterwards than I do now but hopefully I'll get to see that cute little heart fluttering away again.

I was hoping this office wouldn't know what a paranoid crazy I am but I suppose it was only a matter of time before they figured it out.

I Guess That's Why I'm Not an Oddsmaker

2010-07-18T10:55:00.003-04:00

Despite my 20% chance that all was well with the Little One, all is well with the Little One. I saw my doctor's partner and he did a thorough ultrasound where all looked normal but there still does not appear to be a source of the bleeding. He was not concerned about the amount he saw on the ultrasound wand and it has diminished in quantity so that's good.

As soon as I saw the flicker of the heartbeat--even before the doctor mentioned it--I closed my eyes and said a prayer of thanksgiving. Many more have been said since then!

So that's all I know for now. I have an appointment with the MFM on Thursday and I really hope there are no incidents before then. I'm going to go rest now because I had a rough evening and night due to extreme nausea (it's back with a vengence and I was too nervous to take my medicine) and, if I'm honest, equally extreme paranoia.

Not Positive

2010-07-17T18:04:00.002-04:00

I'm still spotting. Initially this morning I was positive because the blood was mostly brown but by mid-morning there was more and it was bright red. I also had some pelvic pain/pressure that concerned me. I decided to go to the ER but I called the doctor first and she offered to have her partner see me tomorrow morning so I'm going with that option. We talked for about 15 minutes and went over several possibilities of the pain but she said she's not concerned about me being in medical danger which is why I opted for the appointment tomorrow.

Since this morning the spotting as lessened but it's still there every time I go to the bathroom. It never has been heavy enough to be on a pad but that's really of little comfort to me. The pain has also diminished but it's still there and I remember have similar pains with my second miscarriage.

As you might be able to tell, I don't have a lot of hope. I'm giving myself a 20% chance of a positive outcome so I'm preparing myself for the worst...how I will tell TOIAW, wondering if the RE does D&Cs, what kind of job I might get in Boston, how/if/when/where we might try again.

So, yeah, if positive thinking is what's going to get me through this, I'm screwed.

Still Really Scared

2010-07-16T17:53:00.002-04:00

I'm still having red/pink spotting and light/moderate cramping. Yesterday at this time I was so sick I could barely take a shower; today I'm a only slightly nauseous. I'm really scared. It's so odd because even this morning as I was driving to the clinic and chatting with my sister-in-law, I had a bad feeling that I kept trying to push away but it wouldn't go away. As we sat in the waiting room chatting with my mom, it was still there and then when I saw that I was spotting my heart just sank and I thought, "I'm not going to have a baby in Boston." The doctor's information helped to allay my fears for a little while (like while I was in the room with her) but as the cramping gets worse I'm just scared.

When Can I Relax?

2010-07-16T11:38:00.002-04:00

This morning I had my last appointment with the RE. I had already written a cute post [in my head] and was going to post it as soon as I got home. Instead, I'm freaking out.

When I visited the bathroom before the ultrasound, I discovered I was spotting. There was blood on the ultrasound wand. It has continued since I've been home and has even been bright red at times. I'm completely freaked out. I took little comfort in seeing the baby today even though our little one is measuring right on target and has a great heartbeat. I'm really scared. The doctor and nurse were encouraging saying this is normal for 8-9 weeks when the placenta is taking over and the best barometer is the baby who looks great but still I fret.

Also? After three days of some of the worst nausea I have had, today is nothing. All I can think of is the ol' "sudden loss of symptoms" every recurrent miscarriage gal hears about. I SO wanted to enjoy today but I don't think I'll relax until my appointment with the MFM on Thursday...and I'm really hoping the bleeding stops and I don't have to go in before that.

Huh?

2010-07-12T13:24:00.003-04:00

From the What to Expect website:

"Your uterus, usually the size of a fist, has grown to the size of an orange."

Ummm...either this person has really small hands or eats freakishly large oranges. I mean I can wear children's gloves and an average orange is about the size of my fist.

Getting Attached

2010-07-09T10:51:00.002-04:00

I saw and heard the baby's heartbeat again today! Woo-hoo!!! My only regret is that I was feeling so icky all I could think about was getting out of there without vomiting. But I've now had time to stare at the picture they printed for me and let it all soak in. I'm getting attached :)

And speaking of attachment, the placenta is gearing up to do it's thing which means this nausea is going to end soon (eventually).

I have my last RE appointment next week and then I will go back to the MFM the following week. If the nausea isn't better by then he will likely pull out the big guns so I don't put pressure on my cervix when I get sick.

Oh, and for the record, I would like to point out that I made it ONE WHOLE WEEK between appointments.

Sipping Gatorade

2010-07-06T11:17:00.002-04:00

This morning I broke down and called the RE for something to help with the vomiting. I wasn't going to do it but yesterday it was nearly impossible for me to do anything but lay on the couch and sleep/watch tv which, emotionally, is not very healthy. My mom did everything for me yesterday and while it was nice I would like to be able to do a load of laundry or walk to the back of the house to my room without retching.

Of course, right after I called I feel better...go figure. Part of the problem is I'm hungry but afraid to eat (and nothing sounds good) and that just makes me more nauseous. It's a vicious circle!

Also, I forgot to mention the spotting when I spoke with the nurse but unless it comes back--and I REALLY hope it doesn't!--I won't mess with changing Friday's appointment. So if you need me you can be sure to find me on the couch, sipping Gatorade.

It IS Always Something!

2010-07-04T22:53:00.003-04:00

**UPDATE** Well, it looks like neither my RE or the dogs' vet are working today so I guess we're all going to just suck it up and drive on. The good news is all of us seem to be doing better which is good because I have no desire to visit the people ER (it's a teaching hospital and even though I've never been there, I've heard stories) or the pet ER that is over an hour away. I'm still planning on getting all of us to our respective doctors sooner rather than later but hopefully today will be more chill and no one will need Valium...and I'm not just talking about Bootsy.

This morning I had very slight brown mucousy discharge. I rested and about 4 hours later I had the same thing but it was pink and I think it happened again a few hours later but really every time I've had to really be paying attention to see it. I haven't totally freaked out but it's not a warm feeling either.

Also, I was really sick today vomiting several times. At my appointment Friday the doctor said she used to never give anything for nausea but after speaking to some of her OB/GYN colleagues she does give low dose something. She said it wouldn't help with the nausea but would prevent vomiting. I declined and for the most part I haven't regretted it because you know, in for a penny, in for a pound.

Tonight we went to some friends' house for dinner. It was a lot of fun. What wasn't fun was returning home to a dog (or dogs, I'm not sure) with stomach problems. Ugh. Thankfully, my mom cleaned up the mess (double thanks it was in a room without carpet). I don't know if it was just PP or if it was Bootsy too because as soon as she stepped outside she heard fireworks and refused to go back out. So Bootsy got some Valium and now I have to figure out how to get her outside. It looks like tomorrow we will be making a trip to the vet--if we can get it--because this has been going on for a couple of days.

I REALLY pray I don't have more spotting (if you can call it that) tomorrow and that we can figure out what's wrong with PP. Are things ever going to calm down and allow me to relax?

Beautiful

2010-07-02T13:00:00.002-04:00

We (my mom, sister-in-law, me, the RE, the visiting RE from China, and the nurse--quite a crowd!) saw one teeny tiny little flicker of a heartbeat! It was so small I had to hold my breath while the doctor tried to get an accurate heart rate and/or listen but it was so small she only managed to get an estimated heart rate of 160bpm. That's good enough for me!

I go back again next Friday for a repeat appointment and then I can make appointments with the MFM for the cerclage. I'm starting to believe it's really going to happen...

I'm really tired and sick right now and I plan on hanging out on the couch and enjoying every minute of it!

Explaining NOT Complaining

2010-07-01T10:38:00.002-04:00

I've been sick--nauseous--since 11:00 am Monday. I offer that not as a complaint, rather as an explanation of my silence.

It's very odd to me that I went from very sporadic nausea to constant nausea. With Sarah it began as being sick for a few hours every day and slowly progressed from there although I don't quite remember being sick all day every day. This time I was sick at random times on random days...until Monday. But, again, I'm not complaining--I would do this every day for forever to have a baby--I just want you to know I'm fine and will update you tomorrow after my appointment.*

*Although I will say that I do not have high hopes of seeing the heartbeat tomorrow based on the size we saw on Tuesday. I suppose it could happen but I'm preparing myself to have to wait another week. Also, I don't think the ultrasound machine they usually use is the most sophisticated. Remind me of all this tomorrow when I inevitably freak out if I don't see a heartbeat...

Quick Update

2010-06-29T12:00:00.002-04:00

I had my appointment this morning and everything looks good: No signs of an ectopic and we saw the yolk sac. Honestly, I was so relieved nothing was wrong that I didn't focus too much on the little one but the doctor said everything was measuring on target (even though they have have my dates as 6w1d and I have them as 5w6d).

The doctor said that by 6 weeks the uterus has already doubled in size and she reminded me it's a muscle so it's normal to feel it. I'm so glad I went and I am so thankful I got good news! I have more to say but I am exhausted thanks to very little sleep last night. Maybe I'll be back after a nap!

A Dark Morning

2010-06-28T08:56:00.002-04:00

I made it through the night with only slight and occasional pain. I slept really well, actually. But this morning I have constant dull pain on my left side in the prime ectopic region. I called to make an appointment with my doctor but she doesn't work today and I could only see her partner if I got there within 15 minutes which wasn't possible. The receptionist said to call this afternoon if the pain is still there or worse and, of course, if I have sharp pains at night I should go to the ER.

So I'm not having a very good morning as you might imagine. I just can't think this is normal. Also, my boobs are not sore at all this morning. I don't want to think the worst but it's hard not to--especially with my track record. I was just beginning to have hope but today? Not so much.

Cue Hysterics

2010-06-27T21:06:00.002-04:00

Early this morning I felt a pain/cramp on my left side not quite far enough over to be ovarian pain. It startled me and I felt it a few more times here and there but it seemed to be shooting down my pelvis/bikini line and all the way down. It was sporadic throughout the day but I noticed the more I did, the more I felt it. I tried to relax as much as possible which seemed to help but tonight it's gotten worse. I called the on-call RE and he said I should get another ultrasound on Tuesday because the one I had Thursday might have been too early to detect an ectopic and Friday is too late to wait.

So right now I can feel it--and it's pretty constant--but it feels more dull and lower, like in my vagina (I know that sounds odd but it's the best way I can describe it) and even when I press on my sides it doesn't hurt. Both my ectopics were strong, sharp pain that was unmistakable and nothing like this but every one is bound to be different. I've had no bleeding or spotting (knock on wood!) so that's good I guess.

I know that ectopic pregnancies are a risk in IVF and certainly a risk for me but I thought that when she "cleared" me of that on Thursday we were good. But if that's the case--and it very well could be--what the heck is this pain?

It's always going to be something, isn't it?

Mother's Little Helper

2010-06-25T18:09:00.002-04:00

Today I went to get Bootsy's Valium prescription filled. I was also picking up a prescription for me so the person helping me already had my information (address, phone number). It went something like this:

Me: I would also like to get this filled. It's for my dog.

Pharmacy Worker: scrutinizing the script and the computer screen Boots? Is that a his legal name? I don't see anyone by that name on your account.

Me: laughing, to lighten the mood She's a dog. If you'll notice is says 'Boots [our last name]-CANINE' on the script.

Pharmacy Worker: Oh, has she been here before?

Me: No, she doesn't shop much and this is her first non-vet prescription.

Pharmacy Worker: Okay. What's her address?

Me: Tyring to determine if she is serious Uh, the same as mine.

Pharmacy Worker: Phone number?

Me: I can never remember her cell phone number; just use mine. Absolutely no reaction from Pharmacy Worker

Pharmacy Worker: Is she taking any other medications? Does she have any allergies?

Me: No and no. Seriously?

Pharmacy Worker: Okay, it will be ready in an hour. Thank you.

Me: Great, we'll see you then. She might want to pick-up some new magazines to chew-up this weekend.

Wow. No wonder she's never been there before.

Beta #3

2010-06-24T15:23:00.002-04:00

hCG: 1616 (up from 750 42 hours prior)...very good doubling time

Progesterone: greater than 40...exactly where they want it

Ultrasound: 1 gestational sac deemed "perfect" by the doctor!

The nurse was so sweet when she called. She told me she just got the results from the lab and she, the doctor, and the resident who's been honing her vaginal ultrasound skills on me were all so excited. Everyone at this clinic is so stinkin' nice!

I go again next Friday for another ultrasound where the doctor hopes to see a heartbeat. Not as much as I do!

If Only

2010-06-23T18:10:00.002-04:00

This weekend I wrote a post about how I wish I had the results of my first beta. Tracy (I would post a link to her blog, but it's password protected) warned me that this was dangerous territory because you say you just want your first beta results...then you want your second beta results...then you want to see a heartbeat...get to 24 weeks...you get the picture. I knew as soon as I read it she was 100% correct and yet I can't seem to help it. I haven't even had the results of the second beta for 24 hours and I'm already anxious about tomorrow's results. And even if the beta is good again, I doubt I will celebrate for too long before I begin looking forward to the next appointment. The RE assured me she is going to watch me closely due to my history of ectopic pregnancies so that means many appointments.

Adding to my neuroses are the symptoms that seem to come and go. The only constant is exhaustion. The nausea was very strong this weekend but for the past three days I've barely noticed it (I know it's normal not to have it at 5 weeks but to have it and then not have it is disconcerting). My boobs have also been consistently sore but seem to be worse at some times--and just to be sure I'm constantly going to second base with myself to check.

I'm really hoping to see a sac tomorrow. You're supposed to be able to see it when your hCG is 1,000-1,500 and mine should certainly be that tomorrow even with a minimum increase. Please, Lord!

P.S. The nurse called me today to say my progesterone tested at 25.something and my E2 had gone down from 560 to 260 (approximate) but she said I didn't need to change any of my dosages. I actually think she called to tell me to come in tomorrow for a repeat test because she didn't know I already had an appointment. She called at 3:00 so I will certainly hope to hear from her by then tomorrow!

Oh Yes I Did

2010-06-23T08:59:00.002-04:00

TOIAW told me that last night--way after he went to sleep--the front desk of his hotel called to ask if he wanted a "pretty girl" to keep him company. He declined. They sent one anyway. He called and said if she wasn't gone in a few minutes, he would change hotels. She left.

So you can bet your bottom dollar I called them and told them what I thought of their shenanigans. Words were spoken. They are now clear on my husband's "needs." Less prostitutes, more towels thankyouverymuch.

2nd Beta

2010-06-22T18:18:00.002-04:00

Just to keep things straight, my first beta was Friday and it was 97. If it were to double every 48 hours (which is thought to be the "ideal" but much less is still considered acceptable), today it would be 388. Mine? Was 750.

I'm thinking there was some lab error on the first one. Or something. I don't really know. I'm very happy about it and I'm also extremely tired. I can't even describe how tired I am so I won't try.

The doctor was initially concerned with my low progesterone and low-ish beta but she was eager to test them again in her lab. She did an ultrasound and thought she probably saw the beginnings of a yolk sac but said the most telling bit of information she could see today would be my hCG levels. So there you go.

I go again on Thursday morning for a repeat of everything. I'll keep you posted!

Beta Results

2010-06-21T10:37:00.002-04:00

I couldn't wait for the nurse to call me so I called her (and she didn't even act annoyed). My beta was 97 at 16dpo which is normal if you read some sites and low if you read others so who knows. With Sarah my first beta was at 18dpo 187 so, assuming a 48 hour doubling time, they're virtually the same. Only with Sarah I did not have anywhere near a 48 hour doubling time and it was still successful so, again, who really knows?

Also, my progesterone and estrodial levels were good according to Dr. Google. The nurse was really sweet but she's an MFM nurse not an RE nurse and she really has no idea. The RE should be able to tell me more tomorrow...and I'm hoping he/she will also tell me my betas are doubling beautifully and that everything looks great!

I Wish I Knew

2010-06-19T18:16:00.002-04:00

Okay, so now it's bugging me that I didn't get my beta results yesterday. I've been cool with it until about the last 30 minutes and now it's really bothering me. I still have plenty o' symptoms (probably until I hit 'publish' and then they will all disappear) like nausea, fatigue, and boobs so painful I don't want to move. And then I tell myself one beta isn't as telling as the second one to see what the doubling time is so it's good I'll only have to 36 hours after I get the results of the first to get the results of the second (assuming the RE's office has a lab and they should because, hello, they're an RE office).

I've been sleeping 10-12 hours a day which means it will be Monday in no time, right?

No News

2010-06-18T12:54:00.002-04:00

I had my appointment today but it was rather uneventful. They did an ultrasound but didn't see anything which is completely normal for 4w2d (although they calculate it at 4w1d). The ultrasound tech did see an area where she thought she might have seen some changes but didn't spend too much time on it. Otherwise, my uterus "looks good." I'm so proud!

He did order some blood work but the don't have their own lab so I probably won't have the results until Monday. That's not ideal but I'm okay with it. Even if I weren't I don't think it would change anything! Also, he called an RE and I have an appointment with them on Tuesday which will be for a repeat beta and an in-take appointment but not an ultrasound. I assume we'll wait until the next week for that? Do most RE's do ultrasounds before it's possible to see a heartbeat? If not, I might not have one for 3 weeks.

Anyway, I really liked the doctor. He spoke to me about my history and said he will most likely do a cerclage at 12 weeks which will be right before I go to Boston so that might need to be postponed a bit...or not, I have no idea.

I'm feeling less nauseous today. That would make most people happy but it makes me worry a little. Fortunately, I'm so tired that I don't care that much.

Going With the Flow

2010-06-17T15:54:00.003-04:00

Dealing with my insurance yesterday was just as complicated as I expected. They pretty much had no idea what to do with me and/or how to help me get the appointments I need. It's very typical for government workers: They are perfectly content to go about their day doing the same thing hour after hour but as soon as someone throws them a curve ball, they're quick to provide 67 reasons why they can't do that. Fortunately, I expected as much and wasn't upset in the least.

The basic problem is that I need to see an RE (fertility specialist) however none will see me other than to "monitor" me by running blood work and other tests ordered by another doctor. But I don't have another doctor who is authorized to order testing in the U.S. and even if my doctor in the MC could write orders, he cannot prescribe medication here so what good does it do me for him to monitor me? My explanation was completely lost on the people with whom I was speaking so I just let it go. I then called the MFM (high-risk OB) who TOIAW had spoken with a few weeks ago and he wants to see me tomorrow morning. He doesn't think he's expert enough in this area to treat me but he's much better than what I currently have: Nothing. He is well respected as the top MFM in the area and I'm very happy with the way things turned out. His nurse told me he will go over his plan for me and help me find the additional doctors I might need.

When I get to Boston, I'll do it all over again! These are wonderful problems to have!

P.S. My old friend All-Day Nausea and I have rekindled our relationship much earlier than I thought we would. Oh, and the second line on my First Response pregnancy tests have gotten much darker but the cheapie internet tests? Still no line. Even though I'm using the same urine (sorry, TMI).

Well...

2010-06-16T07:58:00.004-04:00

If you guys are still my blog friends after all that silly premature whining, you are more awesome than I thought.

So...I saw a faint but clear second line on a First Response test yesterday. [And barely a second line (if you squint and wait way past the 5 minutes it says to wait) on the internet cheapie tests I have been using.] Another, slightly darker, second line this morning! Today I have to go do some insurance stuff that I am dreading but it must be done in order to get a beta (blood test). I don't expect it to go as smoothly as I would like but I am going to go in there in the best frame of mind possible and kill 'em with kindness. And then I'm going to come home and take a nap because I'm exhausted and still suffering from jet lag and a really beautiful German Shepherd who wakes me up at 0600 with kisses.

Thank you so much for all your support! I have empirical evidence that I can drive living beings crazy because yesterday our dog Bootsy got a prescription for Valium. That is 100% true. So just be glad you don't have to live with me.

P.S. I've told my immediate family but not everyone so if you know me in real life, PLEASE do NOT mention anything to anyone or on Facebook. For right now it's a secret between you, me, and anyone in the world with an internet connection.

The Deleted Post

2010-06-14T14:13:00.002-04:00

A couple people have mentioned the deleted post from yesterday. It was terribly whiny and was written during a particularly emotional moment. If I read that on someone's blog, I would be really worried about them so, just so you know, I'm better than I was when I wrote that.

TOIAW talked this morning and a "no" on this might not be the end of the road for us. I'm 36, he's 35--we're young and a lot of life ahead of us. We'll figure it out and keep trying to make our dream come true. Basically, I no longer feel as desperate and hopeless. EVERYthing is better when you have hope and I am thankful I do (even if I don't have so much hope for this cycle).

I'm off to get a pedicure* and go to Target. How could I possibly be sad when I get to spend the afternoon doing that?

*This is an especially good thing because we are having massive flooding in my hometown (8+ inches of rain so far today) and when I got gas earlier I stepped in icky, gross gas station water while wearing flip flops. Ewwww.

Losing Hope

2010-06-14T06:09:00.002-04:00

During my flight on Saturday, I cried and cried and cried. Once I arrived in NYC and called TOIAW, he suggested I take daily pregnancy tests because, as he pointed out, I "couldn't get more upset" than I was already. I tested Saturday night, Sunday morning, and Sunday night and all were negative (although, just to mess with me, one did have an evaporating line). I don't have it in me to test today but I will tomorrow. Also, I will go to the local air force base so I can enroll in my insurance in this region and will schedule a blood test because I know I need one.

Today is 9dp3dt and 7dt5dt or 12 days past ovulation for those of you who know what that means. The short explanation for those of you who don't know is that a great majority of women would have had a positive pregnancy test by now.

I still have a little hope but "little" is the key word. I do still have cramping and my boobs are sore now but haven't been until last night. I've had a little nausea but I think that's mostly progesterone. I've been unbelievably emotional which could be anything (but it's really annoying). I've just been using those cheapie internet pregnancy tests so today I'm going to buy a different one to use tomorrow. Historically, I've had little luck with home pregnancy tests even when I have been pregnant (technically this has happened at least 3 times but only one was a viable pregnancy while one was a miscarriage and the other was ectopic).

I've already "gone there" with the whole this-is-our-last-chance-and-after-this-it's-child-free-living-for-us emotional deluge. Even though I only stayed there for a few hours, it was horrible beyond description and I don't feel like going back until I absolutely have to. TOIAW is somewhat prepared at this point but my mom isn't and I dread telling her more than I can express. Well, except for myself maybe. How do you say goodbye to the only dream you've ever really had?

Less Obsessing, More Packing

2010-06-11T02:44:00.003-04:00

It's the final countdown...

Yeah, so I leave the MC in about 25 hours and I haven't packed a thing. Unless you count the suitcase I haven't unpacked from 4 weeks ago. TOIAW, or Rain Man as I call him, cannot sit down before unpacking once he arrives home from a trip. Every. Single. Thing. Must be in it's proper place lined up at right angles. See how my method saves valuable time?

Speaking of obsessions, our housekeeper is very adament about me going through my clothing, kichenware, etc. and culling all of the discards. I haven't done that either but why does she care? I'm not sure if she wants to keep it or sell it or what. Last Friday she wore a shirt I had "donated" and basically said she couldn't believe it was mine because it's so small. So, uh sure, let me get right on that sorting thing for you. Today she'll probably say, "Really, you want all these pots and pans? You don't even cook."

The truth is I am feeling much better today and actually feel like doing something other than laying in bed or on the couch watching CNN International's World Cup countdown clock. If you're going to be attending the games and need info on the newly minted public transportation system, let me know and I'll fill you in on the details. Be warned, however, that the cab drivers are pretty miffed about it and have staged several protests and some have evened threatened violence against people who choose public transport.

I must admit that my improved mood isn't just because I'm no longer writhing in pain. This morning I had a wonderful time of Bible study and prayer and I just gave this whole darn thing over to God. He alone is the giver and creator of life and while it might be helpful for some to read about the cramping Sandy in Indianapolis had after her IVF, I'm not Sandy in Indy and my body is different and there is just no way to know until next week. Just like Sandy and you, I was fearfully and wonderfully made and I am going to bask in the faith my creator has given me!

P.S. I was wrong last night about the cramps being completely gone but they're light now which is probably best because if they were completely gone, I wouldn't be so calm. I did get some sleep though!

Because I know you want to know

2010-06-10T16:46:00.003-04:00

No more cramping. It just disappeared like I took something but I didn't. I'm too tired to obsess with Dr. Google on whether or not this is good or bad. I'm hoping I can get some uninterrupted sleep tonight!

But, seriously, thanks for all the awesome support!

It's a Party!

2010-06-10T01:33:00.005-04:00

It's an I-don't-feel-pregnant-at-all-just-super-crampy-and-scared-it-failed-again party! The minutes will pass like hours while you are entertained by the not-so-lovely but very talented Doubts & Fears! No need to RSVP because this party will come to you! We will stop by during the early morning hours and awaken you with period-like cramps so intense you will run to the nearest restroom to check and then, once you're wide awake, the party will begin in earnest! Of course your trip will result in nothing but by then you will have realized that you have the same radiating right leg pains that once accompanied your period cramps. Don't worry, these cramps have come to party and won't be leaving anytime soon! When things get too rowdy, you might be tempted to call your old friend 800mg Ibuprofen to vanquish us but, remember, he's terrible around babies so I would think twice about that. You know, until you know for sure...and you won't know for sure for about another week or so sit back and enjoy the party!

Crampy

2010-06-08T11:54:00.002-04:00

These IVF posts are terribly boring, sorry. I just like having everything documented so that if I have to do this again (and I REALLY hope I don't), I can obsess over the details.

Two blastocysts and one morula* were transferred yesterday. The embryologist/clinic director said they were "very good" but I'm not sure if I believe him because if they were that good I don't know why he wanted to transfer all of them. My doctor would certainly want to but the embryologist is far more conservative (read: reasonable). This, however, is the agreement we came to on Saturday when we sat with both of them (when my bladder was already full, full, full so I might not remember all the details of the conversation) and discussed numbers so maybe that's why he didn't balk. I didn't ask for the grade of the blasts (it didn't even occur to me to ask) but it's probably better that way anyway because it's done now and worrying if they are indeed "very good" or not won't help me.

So, I've been having quite a bit of cramping. In the cycle that resulted in Sarah's pregnancy, I wrote that I had mild to moderate cramping in the week following the transfer. I would classify the cramping I've had to be moderate for significant periods of time (like when I was trying to sleep and I woke-up unable to get comfortable) but it has nearly stopped for the moment. I know I didn't have cramping like this during the failed cycle in February because I was looking for it and it wasn't there. Who knows?

I won't lie, I'm optimistic because, let's face it, I'm going to be shattered if it doesn't work and pretending I don't have my hopes up now would be a big fat lie.

*For those of you who don't understand that, it means two were on-target and one was a bit behind.

Chillaxin'

2010-06-06T10:45:00.004-04:00

TOIAW speaks the local language fluently. He is what is called a 'heritage speaker' meaning he immigrated to the U.S. prior to beginning his formal education but continued to speak his parents' native language in the home. As such, his command of the language is that of a native speaker and his vocabulary is excellent. One evening during our trip to Krakow, our dinner entertainment consisted of the children peppering TOIAW with vocab questions. The 5-year old of the group is so incredibly sweet and she was having trouble being heard (not uncommon, I would imagine, when you have 2 older siblings and a younger brother who views everyone in his life as an additional audience member) until she piped up with her question: "How do you say 'chillax'?" I didn't think I would ever stop laughing! TOIAW was stumped by that question so I'll just go ahead and say it in English: I'm chillaxin' today!

We transferred 3 embryos yesterday. They thawed 8 and 6 survived the thaw. The remaining 3 are being grown [hopefully] to blastocyst and we'll assess how many to transfer tomorrow. I know some of you experienced IVFers are shuttering to think we're tranferring that many but we know the risks and we'll deal with them as they come. Keeping in mind this is a frozen transfer and I have some uterine lining/bloodflow issues, we felt it was the right decision. However, yesterday my doctor proclaimed my lining to be "excellent, the best." As I have mentioned before, he is never this excited or emotional so I very well could be entering reality tv territory. Who knows? In any event, as I live and breathe, I promise on all I hold dear that I will never, ever get a haircut as hideous as that Kate woman with all the babies. Also, I will never have an affair with the body guard.

This morning I managed to administer the "in the rear" progesterone injection without inflicting shooting pain down my leg which is what happened Friday on my first attempt. I feel confident I will be able to do it from now on and, like I've read a lot on the interwebs, it really isn't that bad. I was feeling a little melancholy about everything so I asked (read: nagged until he surrendered) TOIAW to call them embryologist and check on the growing embryos. So far, so good on that front with 2 doing well and the other a bit behind. That seemed to calmed me down a bit. Any and all prayers are welcome for the embryos in my uterus and the ones in the lab!

Today is actually TOIAW's 35th birthday! We planned on going out with some friends but were notified yesterday of a cook-out so he's there with our friends and I'm home. I think it would have been too much with the heat and everything and I'm glad I stayed home. He'll be home soon and we're going to chillax some more this evening. He's traveling this week and won't be back before I leave next weekend so I won't see him until August. It's not ideal but I think it will be fine.

I'll let you know what happens tomorrow. Because TOIAW can't be with me, he asked our housekeeper to escort me. I feel quite pretentious doing this but it will be nice to know someone is watching my stuff and can help me get a cab home and help me with dinner once I do get home. It's my one last hurrah with her before I return to the U.S. and no longer have a housekeeper who does laundry, cooks, shops, irons, and all the other things I would rather not do. It was fun while it lasted.

Processing

2010-06-01T03:20:00.002-04:00

Our life has been crazy busy since last Thursday. I've had wonderful moments spent with TOIAW, spent with friends, spent being loved on by friends, spent loving on friends, and spent praying for friends. It's been amazing...and busy. I just can't seem to process all of it. There is so much to tell but right now isn't the time.

For now I will just say that spending Memorial Day with Mark Garner's widow was easily one of the greatest blessings of my life. He is a hero among heros and she is the embodiment of grace, dignity, and integrity of the highest degree.

The Good, Bad, and Annoying

2010-05-30T09:35:00.004-04:00

The transfer is set for Saturday! At my appointment yesterday my doctor said everything looks great and he was very pleased which was nice to hear from someone who rarely shows emotion. He also wants to do another transfer two days later on Monday. I'm not sure why but it does satisfy my desire to do a 5-day transfer so I didn't argue. The bad news is that TOIAW is leaving that day so I will have to go to the clinic alone. The really bad news is I will have to self-administer intramuscular progesterone shots. In the immortal words of the Oklahoma cowboys on The Amazing Race, "Oh, my gravy..." I'm pretty sure I will be able to do it but it will likely prove to be quite interesting.

TOIAW and I have been making the most of the two weeks we get to spend together before being apart for another two months. We have had a lovely time, but today he is on my last nerve. The past several days have been very busy and the next few will be as well so I was looking forward to relaxing a little today before going out tonight. He, on the other hand, seems determined to follow me around the house pestering me. It's a lot of fun. Tonight, however, truly will be wonderful because we are meeting with an old friend.

She and several of her friends are on a special trip. Her husband was killed in action in Iraq last year and when she received his personnal items there was a map detailing a trip he planned on taking upon his return. So this year she is doing the trip he planned and the itinerary calls for a stop in my fair city. I can't wait to see her and tour with her and her friends tomorrow! Her husband was a great guy and I am so excited to spend Memorial Day with her.

I hope you will also have an opportunity to thank someone who serves, has served, or has sacrificed greatly for our nation!

Keep Moving Forward

2010-05-25T08:22:00.002-04:00

After the failed donor egg cycle in February, my dad sent me an email in which he said, "Keep moving onward and upward in deed and in spirit." I've been thinking about that a lot lately. It brings to mind a hike I once took...

It was the summer of 1999 and I was living in Israel. One particularly hot and humid weekend and some friends decided to go camping in the Galilee and I agreed to go with them foolishly assuming they weren't going to attempt to kill me on a crazy difficult hike. So we slept on the shores of the Sea of Galilee (which is really a lake). There was a meteor shower that night that was quite stunning. Two of my friends stayed awake most of the night watching the stars and falling in love--or deepening their love, I'm not sure of the details of their relationship's timeline--and, with all the energy and euphoria that new love brings, they led us on a hike into the bowels of hell the next day.

You can ask TOIAW, any hike that begins by going downhill raises numerous red flags for me. I didn't fail physics; I know we're eventually going to have to come back uphill. Down the mountain we went and into a beautiful wadi (ravine). I've forgotten--or blocked out--many of the details but here is what I do remember:

There were at least two parts of the trail that could only be traversed by swimming.
Wasps like beef jerky and will attack you if you are eating it.
Much of the trail consisted of fallen rocks. They weren't huge but they weren't small either. You had to keep moving forward and not try to balance or stand on one rock or you would fall.
Lisa, one-half of the New Love Duo, wore these tiny little sandals that offered zero support or stability and she did the entire grueling hike as if it were a stroll on the beach.
I chose to wear running shoes that became treacherous once wet and I had a huge fall. I still have a scar on my left knee. TOIAW does not believe I went on this hike willingly and/or without bloodshed once I realized how difficult it was going to be. All I can say is it happened and I have witnesses.
The uphill portion out of the ravine was something akin to rock climbing. There were boulders the size of VW Beetles and you had to use both your hands and feet to climb out. Or at least I did.
We ran out of water.
It was days before I could once again walk normally.

But it was a lot of fun and I was with people I truly love even though I haven't seen most of them in many years. I'm not sure if it's the PTSD associated with the hike or that it was so darned fun, but I often think about that hike when I'm going through a tough time. The part that stands out the most are those long stretches when we walked across the rocks. You had to sustain a forward motion because if you stopped, you fell. There was no time to think about your next move, you just had to go with your instinct and move quickly. You had to keep moving forward.

Today it has been one month since I spoke with my dad. I think about him all the time just like I often think of Sarah. If I stop and think about all they are missing and all I am missing with them, it's overwhelming. I want to keep moving forward while carrying their memories in my heart. I don't want to fall. I know God has plans for me and I don't want to be on the ground sobbing instead of moving with Him.

Save the Date

2010-05-22T09:11:00.002-04:00

Well, you don't need to save it but I'm going to. What date is that, you ask? Um, that would be the 3rd or 4th of June which are my tentative transfer dates! I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it! No, No, No! I know, I know, I know, I know I want you, little frozen embryos!

Sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, so anyway my period finally arrived and we're on our way. I'm glad TOIAW will be with me then--and for a few days afterwards--but soon after he will be traveling to some truly random places and I will return to the U.S. June 2010 could shape-up to be one of the best of my life*! I still might postpone my return for a week or so in order to do the initial blood tests and ultrasounds here but I haven't decided that yet. It just seems like a hassle to go back to the U.S. and try to do it there because I don't see how I could get appointments so early in my pregnancy and then I will have to explain everything to, like, 34 people and it just sounds complicated. But every day is complicated here so there's that also.

I'm getting ahead of myself...but it would be so nice to actually have these problems instead of the one I do have: No baby in my arms or my tummy. I'll leave you now to say a prayer--or 70--for me ;)

*No pressure those of you who are on the Wheel Family Road Rally team, but the rally is in June this year and beating the Wilcoxs at their own two-car strategy is totally part of my June 2010 Best Month Ever plan. Victory WILL! BE! OURS! Not that I'm competitive or anything...

Doubts

2010-05-19T04:43:00.004-04:00

Being here alone doesn't help much when it comes to getting over jet lag. I've done a fair job but I'm still staying up too late. I have no idea why because we gave up our American tv contraption so all I have for entertainment is local cable (which has several British channels that I keep on for noise but not much else). I've read a lot and I've gone for long walks but I could really use some bad reality tv...is there a 12-step program for this? I'm seriously considering buying some shows on iTunes but, I don't know, that seems desperate to me and I'm not sure I'm there yet.

So, what I have been doing is obsessively googling in preparation for our frozen embryo transfer (FET) coming up soon. There's a message board specifically for women seeking treatment in the MC. One of the most vocal gals on the board was treated at my clinic several times and never got pregnant. I asked the clinic about her--privacy laws, what's that?--and they said she never followed doctor's advice, exercised very hard after her transfers, etc. and that's why it never worked for her. She apparently decided not to give up on the MC (she's from here originally but lives in Canada now) and sought treatment at a different clinic and--BAM!--she's pregnant even though she's running 10k a day and working in her 2 acres of landscaped yard (which, in my opinion, clearly demonstrates that she's not all that stable if you know what I mean). So now she's convinced my clinic sucks and their practices are awful and they lie about their success rates and no one really gets pregnant there and they beat old ladies and they kick babies. It's mostly nonsense but you would be surprised how upset these kinds of unsubstantiated claims can make a person a 1 a.m. Real Housewives of New Jersey, on the other hand, would never leave me in such a state. That's it, I'm doing it...my mental health is at stake.

I guess the thing that bothers me is why am I susceptible to these crazy ideas anyway? Why does it take far more effort to erase bad thoughts than accept good ones? It's so freakin' frustrating!!! I'm spending too much energy thinking about stupid stuff when there are real issues to pray over and consider. Take, for instance, the number of embryos my doctor wants to transfer. I don't want to discuss the number here but suffice it to say it borders on terrifying but comes short of OctoMom. I don't know what to do and that should be what terrifies me at night but it's not. Not getting pregnant is what terrifies me. Something is seriously wrong with me. All the more reason to watch Real Housewives because that show makes me feel exceedingly normal.

I should get going because I have plans today to hang out with a friend this afternoon and have dinner with her and her four beautiful children (I'm not opposed to having four children, I just don't want to have them all at one time). I'm taking strawberry shortcake for dessert...yummO!

It's a Small World, After All

2010-05-15T14:13:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm back in the Mystery Country. It's warm and green here and, who knew, it's actually quite lovely. It's still not where I want to be but it's a much improved version of the MC I left a few weeks ago. This is all very good because at my appointment today (just a few hours after I landed, I might add) I found out that I might have to spend an extra week here. No biggie...I can easily do an extra week for a good cause!

Despite my sad post a few days ago, I had a really great time at home with my mom and the rest of our family and close friends. The sadness is normal and it comes in waves but it's all part of the grief process and this is a process about which I know a thing or two.

Last week TOIAW had a blast from the past that brought a smile to my face. Two years ago I had the unfortunate experience of dealing with someone I dubbed the "Hello Kitty PA" after her mouse pad and other assorted office decor. I wrote about her here. It seems the good PA has once again found work with the federal government and is working at an embassy TOIAW visited last week. He wasn't feeling well and stopped by to get some medicine and she immediately recognized him and showered him with sweetheart's and honey's. I don't know if I'm more shocked that she is working there, that she recognized TOIAW, or that he emailed me a picture of th Hello Kitty poster on her office door.

Two Weeks Later

2010-05-12T14:38:00.003-04:00

I planned on writing about Dad's funeral today but that's not going to happen. Man, oh, man t hurts so bad. Last night I was looking up a sports score for my mom and on the sports page online they still have a story about him so there was his picture staring at me. It took my breath away.

My mom went back to work today so this is one of few times I've been alone so I've spent a lot of time in his closet and sitting in his chair. I still can't believe it. I don't understand how or why and I want him back. I don't want to hear people say what a great man he was or read the sweet words people have written, I want him back. I just really, really want him back...

Hello, Allergies

2010-05-05T17:44:00.002-04:00

The combination of sleep deprivation, stress, grief, and spring allergens has not been kind to my body. Honestly, I'm surprised I held out this long. I've been doing the OTC thing but if I still feel bad tomorrow it might be time to see if there's an infection involved.

We're continuing to have quite a bit of family time which has been so nice. My mom is functioning but I know she's hurting so bad and I hate it for her. I fear the worst is yet to come...she spent every day with him for 37+ years and now he's gone.

I have so much to say but I just don't feel like it right now. Just wanted to let you know we're [mostly] okay.

So Proud

2010-04-29T11:36:00.002-04:00

There were over 800 people at my dad's funeral yesterday. On Tuesday night 500-600 hundred attended a student-led candle light tribute to him where students spoke about what he meant to them. People waited in line to hug and love on my mom. It was amazing...I couldn't do it justice even if I tried. I have never felt so proud.

At the risk of blowing my blog anonymity, I will share a link with you to the story that the local news broad casted last night. At one point I am speaking and TOIAW is at my side. It also shows one of my brothers speaking as well.

http://okblitz.com/videos.aspx?cid=20443

No Words

2010-04-25T15:06:00.002-04:00

My dad died today. We're heading back to the U.S. in the morning. TOIAW will be with me. This is unbelievably painful. My heart is broken in a million pieces right now. I just can't believe it's true but I fear it is.

My grandma died two years ago on this same day. I hate 25 April.

Home Again, Home Again...but where is home?

2010-04-24T13:22:00.003-04:00

Thanks to jet lag I was wide awake at 2 a.m. TOIAW woke-up around 4 to check on me and I confided I wasn't looking forward to our appointment today because I was certain the transfer wouldn't be soon and by "soon" I was thinking next week. TOIAW explained that he understood the doctor to say our transfer would be at the end of May. This resulted in a major breakdown where tears were shed and I hate living here was uttered.

But thank goodness I wasn't surprised during the appointment when the doctor said the transfer is going to be the end of May. There were no tears and no I hate living here's were spoken. And it sure is nice to FINALLY have a plan. I asked the doctor if my uterus looks like it's getting more bloodflow but he said it looks the same "but we have to try anyway." I have no idea what that means and I may or may not be frustrated by it. I just know it is what it is and God is in control. God has a plan for TOIAW and me and while I will do what I can in order to ensure success, I'm not going to freak out about it (for now at least).

It's wonderful to be with TOIAW again! He says "America agrees with me" and thinks I look rested and relaxed and he generously offered to buy another ticket for me to go home in a couple of weeks while he is traveling again. I haven't yet decided if I will take him up on the offer. I want to go, of course, but I can't predict my cycle and it's possible I could get back too late and miss the transfer window although the doctor is sure it will occur in the "last decade" of May which I understand him to mean the last 10 days of May but I've been wrong before. And the other question is whether or not it's worth it to go home again for only 10 days? But I really don't want to be here alone...I mean I REALLY don't want to be here alone for 16 days.

Okay, I'm done with beginning sentences with conjunctions for a bit. I'll be back soon to once again bend the rules of English grammar.

P.S. Blogger's spell check refuses to work outside the U.S. Apparently America agrees with Blogger.

The Beginning of the End

2010-04-22T16:29:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting in the Memphis airport waiting for my flight to the Mystery Country. I will be there 55 more days.

I have a doctor's appointment Saturday and if he tells me I'm still not ready for transfer I might just change my ticket and get back on a plane. I honestly haven't been thinking about it all that much but of course I'm beginning to now. I've barely even been praying it. But don't get me wrong, I still care and I'm hopeful (mostly) but I just haven't been thinking about it. I'm thinking about doing a modified fast (due to medications) this week to get myself in the right frame of mind.

It was hard to leave my parents today! My dad came home on Monday and he's doing well with Nurse Mom but I wish I were there to help her. Fortunately, the school where my parents work has been amazing and they want her to stay with him as long as he needs her...and believe me, he is plenty needy these days!

I hope all is well with all of you. I promise to get back to blog reading and commenting soon :)

Cryin' For Me

2010-04-18T23:25:00.002-04:00

Tonight I watched the Academy of Country Music awards. Hey, I'm in Oklahoma, it's the law. My favorite part wasn't watching Reba McEntire do an awesome job hosting the show (she's an Oklahoman, in case you didn't know...in fact, her daddy used to rodeo with my grandpa) nor was it when Carrie Underwood (I'll give you 3 chances to guess her home state and the first 2 don't count) won Entertainer of the Year. No, my favorite part was Toby Keith's (yet another Oklahoman...) performance of his single Cryin' For Me. I love, love, love it.

He wrote it about the death of his friend Wayman Tisdale. There aren't many Sooners I will praise but Wayman Tisdale is one of them (and maybe Sam Bradford because his humbleness is genuine and oh-so-refreshing). He was a stand-up guy who loved God, lived with integrity, and faced cancer with grace.

My favorite line is "I'm not cryin' 'cause I feel so sorry for ya, I'm cryin' for me." I love it...

And you know what else I love? Oklahoma and Oklahomans. TOIAW finds my state pride endearing but he doesn't understand it. What can I say...it's a place that inspires that kind of love and loyalty. You should visit if you haven't already. You know, the wheat sure smells sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain.

(Brief) Update

2010-04-16T22:27:00.002-04:00

My dad is doing well...or, you know, as well as can be expected when you're two days out from having your sternum broken and wired back together. He's been up and walking and today he was able to speak a bit with each of his visitors.

For me, it seems the adrenaline has worn off and the short nights and jet lag have caught up with me. I'm off to bed...

I Didn't See That Coming

2010-04-13T06:28:00.002-04:00

On Sunday night my parents picked me up from the airport around 10:30pm. My dad drove about 2 miles and then pulled over and asked my mom to drive because he wasn't feeling well. I asked him what was wrong and he said he just thought he was tired because he did a lot over the weekend even though he hasn't really regained his strength since his illness a few weeks ago. About 10 minutes into our drive my dad stated he had a "tightness" in his chest and when I suggested we go to a hospital he agreed. (By the way, if you're ever compiling a list of people to drive you to the hospital in the event of an emergency, you might not want to include my mom's name on that list. Like not even in the top 100.)

There is a really great heart hospital in Oklahoma City so we went there. They have an ER specifically for heart patients and within 5 minutes or our arrival he was in a bed hooked up to an EKG and had been given nitroglycerin and baby aspirin; within 10 minutes blood had been drawn and x-rays taken. My brothers and aunt arrived and within about half an hour my dad was feeling much better. His blood work and x-rays were fine and he was beginning to feel foolish for even going but the doctor still recommended he stay overnight. My mom stayed and the rest of us went home fully expecting my dad would be released the next day after seeing a cardiologist and making a follow-up appointment.

I arrived at the hospital yesterday morning while the cardiologist was talking with my dad. He took his history and said he was 80% sure whatever Dad had experienced was not heart related but that given his history and risk factors, he could do an angiogram and that way he would know 100%. As recently as Thursday, my dad's GP suggested he make an appointment with a cardiologist (for an unrelated issue) but that probably wouldn't happen for several weeks due to my dad's schedule and the time it can take to get a non-emergent appointment with a cardiologist. I was personally very glad when Dad opted to have the test performed because he just hasn't been feeling well lately and I wanted him to have some peace of mind.

They scheduled the test for 10:00 and my mom went home to shower while I went to drop off our car for approximately $1 million worth of maintenance and repairs. When I arrived back at the hospital at 9:30 they were wheeling my dad down the hall for his procedure and by 10:01 our "beeper" went off alerting us to proceed to a conference room to talk with the doctor about the results. This place operates with extreme efficiency and yet still manages to convey extreme competence and compassion; it's all very impressive. The news the doctor gave us was not so good: Two of Dad's 3 major arteries showed significant blockage. There were a couple of options--each with their own risks--but the bottom line (you've been waiting for that, haven't you?) is he will have a double-bypass surgery tomorrow afternoon. And he didn't even know he had a serious problem. It's just crazy. We're nervous about the surgery, of course, but so relieved this was discovered before he had a heart attack.

I am unbelievably thankful I am home. I really cannot adequately express how much it means to me. It's important to me that my mom not get exhausted and/or overwhelmed during Dad's hospital stay because she will be his primary caretaker once he is discharged. I can ensure this far more easily when I'm here than if I were in the Mystery Country. Who knows, I might even make a color-coded hospital assignments chart. There's a better than even chance one of my brothers will soon remind me that I'm not the boss of them. Whatever...we all know that's not true.

On a more serious note, though, I know my entire family would great appreciate your prayers during this time. I'll let you know something as soon as I can.