Monday, June 14, 2010

Losing Hope

During my flight on Saturday, I cried and cried and cried. Once I arrived in NYC and called TOIAW, he suggested I take daily pregnancy tests because, as he pointed out, I "couldn't get more upset" than I was already. I tested Saturday night, Sunday morning, and Sunday night and all were negative (although, just to mess with me, one did have an evaporating line). I don't have it in me to test today but I will tomorrow. Also, I will go to the local air force base so I can enroll in my insurance in this region and will schedule a blood test because I know I need one.

Today is 9dp3dt and 7dt5dt or 12 days past ovulation for those of you who know what that means. The short explanation for those of you who don't know is that a great majority of women would have had a positive pregnancy test by now.

I still have a little hope but "little" is the key word. I do still have cramping and my boobs are sore now but haven't been until last night. I've had a little nausea but I think that's mostly progesterone. I've been unbelievably emotional which could be anything (but it's really annoying). I've just been using those cheapie internet pregnancy tests so today I'm going to buy a different one to use tomorrow. Historically, I've had little luck with home pregnancy tests even when I have been pregnant (technically this has happened at least 3 times but only one was a viable pregnancy while one was a miscarriage and the other was ectopic).

I've already "gone there" with the whole this-is-our-last-chance-and-after-this-it's-child-free-living-for-us emotional deluge. Even though I only stayed there for a few hours, it was horrible beyond description and I don't feel like going back until I absolutely have to. TOIAW is somewhat prepared at this point but my mom isn't and I dread telling her more than I can express. Well, except for myself maybe. How do you say goodbye to the only dream you've ever really had?

5 comments:

Miss Ruby said...

I'm keeping everything crossed for you...

xxx

Soapchick said...

Hi Rachel. I saw your post from the weekend, but then you deleted it. I know you are hurting and there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. All I can say is that you are in my prayers, you are loved, and there are a lot of people in your life who will help you overcome this pain. If necessary you will find new dreams and you will make the best of life. Right now however is just the time to wait and let your mom hug you.

N said...

I too saw the deleted post, but then it was gone before I could comment. I just want to say that I'm holding on to that bit of hope with you, and even more so that, if this doesn't work, you're able to find a way through the pain. ♥

SadeRa盈君iford0412 said...
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AKD said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm sending you so much love. You know, I never tested until 9dp6dt, and my lines on an FRER were still really light, even though I had huge betas both times (like, big enough that they thought maybe twins). I'm keeping some hope (and lots of prayers) for you, but I want you to know that we're all going to be here for you no matter what.