Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Doubts

Being here alone doesn't help much when it comes to getting over jet lag. I've done a fair job but I'm still staying up too late. I have no idea why because we gave up our American tv contraption so all I have for entertainment is local cable (which has several British channels that I keep on for noise but not much else). I've read a lot and I've gone for long walks but I could really use some bad reality tv...is there a 12-step program for this? I'm seriously considering buying some shows on iTunes but, I don't know, that seems desperate to me and I'm not sure I'm there yet.

So, what I have been doing is obsessively googling in preparation for our frozen embryo transfer (FET) coming up soon. There's a message board specifically for women seeking treatment in the MC. One of the most vocal gals on the board was treated at my clinic several times and never got pregnant. I asked the clinic about her--privacy laws, what's that?--and they said she never followed doctor's advice, exercised very hard after her transfers, etc. and that's why it never worked for her. She apparently decided not to give up on the MC (she's from here originally but lives in Canada now) and sought treatment at a different clinic and--BAM!--she's pregnant even though she's running 10k a day and working in her 2 acres of landscaped yard (which, in my opinion, clearly demonstrates that she's not all that stable if you know what I mean). So now she's convinced my clinic sucks and their practices are awful and they lie about their success rates and no one really gets pregnant there and they beat old ladies and they kick babies. It's mostly nonsense but you would be surprised how upset these kinds of unsubstantiated claims can make a person a 1 a.m. Real Housewives of New Jersey, on the other hand, would never leave me in such a state. That's it, I'm doing it...my mental health is at stake.

I guess the thing that bothers me is why am I susceptible to these crazy ideas anyway? Why does it take far more effort to erase bad thoughts than accept good ones? It's so freakin' frustrating!!! I'm spending too much energy thinking about stupid stuff when there are real issues to pray over and consider. Take, for instance, the number of embryos my doctor wants to transfer. I don't want to discuss the number here but suffice it to say it borders on terrifying but comes short of OctoMom. I don't know what to do and that should be what terrifies me at night but it's not. Not getting pregnant is what terrifies me. Something is seriously wrong with me. All the more reason to watch Real Housewives because that show makes me feel exceedingly normal.

I should get going because I have plans today to hang out with a friend this afternoon and have dinner with her and her four beautiful children (I'm not opposed to having four children, I just don't want to have them all at one time). I'm taking strawberry shortcake for dessert...yummO!

4 comments:

N said...

I'm like that, too. I think it's a form of self-protection. If you believe the good and it's wrong, then you're heartbroken. If you believe the bad and it's wrong, well, you're still heartbroken, but at least you don't feel like you were duped. And if you believe the bad and it's wrong, then you have a wonderful surprise. That's what happens in my head, anyway.

Allison said...

I am a reality tv addict as well! Love, love, love it! It's like watching a train wreck, but you can't take your eyes off of it! Try hulu.com, it's like free tv over the internet. Maybe you can get your housewives fix! :)

AKD said...

I totally get this. Even if they're irrational and unfounded, people's comments plant this tiny little seed of doubt. Despite our best efforts, it grows into a weed. I think it's just natural, even though it's awful.

Allison beat me to it - I was just going to recommend hulu.com! I don't know if it works overseas, but it has tons of free TV shows!

Elvi107sS_Scholten0 said...

能付出愛心就是福;能消除煩惱就是慧。.............................................