Friday, March 5, 2010

Logic and the Lack Thereof

As soon as I opened my eyes this morning I had a sinking feeling. I'm dreading the results I will receive tomorrow and I'm dreading that TOIAW will not be there with me when I hear them. I've been fighting tears for several hours now. I know, at the very least, I will likely hear that I have to wait another cycle which would mean a transfer in the dreaded month of May. Why so long? I don't understand. I don't want to wait any longer. I am feeling seriously defeated--as in 'I'm done with this'--for the first time ever. You know, because the news I get tomorrow could be worse.

But then the far corners of my brain scream for me to be logical. They remind me I've had 2-3 tests performed within the past 2 years that would have diagnosed this problem were it really a problem and, by they way, they were also performed by experienced doctors and clinicians. I can't find much on google about a small uterine/endometrial cavity and what I do find points to some kind of septum and if that hasn't been discovered in 3 surgeries, 3-4 tests, and countless transvaginal ultrasounds I will throw in the towel. Another confusing factor is that he gave me my measurements at 20mm with 30mm being normal but Dr. Google seems to think 7-9cm is normal; even if you do the conversion something is seriously off there. Logic tells me to have some faith and relax (is it odd that the logical part of my brain is the part cheering on Faith?) but after nearly 4 years of disappointment and heartache--with a glimpse of hope thrown in for a few priceless months--it's becoming more and more difficult to rally. And, yet, the will is there...amazing.

I am so thankful that my sweet friend, Sarah, will be with me. Sarah who is pregnant with a daughter who is due to arrive a few days after what should have been my Sarah's first birthday. Coincidence? Probably. Although I really want to believe I will have an angel with me tomorrow.


Rachel said...

I am so impressed with how brave you are to be undergoing this treatment in a foreign country, away from your support network. I really hope the results are good tomorrow, but either way your angel will be there with you.

AKD said...

Oh, Rachel. I've been praying for you, that the news you receive is good and that you're comfortable. You have every right to be scared - you're doing all of this while you're far away from your parents, your dog, etc. Please know that we're all thinking of you, sending you strength and love.