Monday, February 15, 2010

No Sleep

I couldn't sleep so after several hours of tossing and turning I got up and--at TOIAW's request--took another test. Negative as expected. Oddly, the 'as expected' part doesn't make it any easier than yesterday. Just more final, I guess. I've had significant cramping all day yesterday and most of the night; my poor body wants to move on also but it can't thanks to all the hormones. The IVF director at the clinic said I was welcome to come in for a blood test tomorrow but I would still have to come back on Friday as well. Stupid rule. I think I will go in and that way I can stop the meds and I'll go Friday also to humor them (and show them it's utterly unneccessary).

We're going to transfer the frozen embryos (FET) as soon as possible but I'll have to skip a cycle so that means early April if my body cooperates which, at this point, is probably a big if. You can imagine how hopeful I'm not feeling about that. Our clinic does not have great FET results and since all the embryos are frozen on day 2, I can see why. I'm not sure what we're going to do...maybe thaw all 17 and let them grow and if that doesn't work try one more fresh cycle before we move back to the U.S.? I doubt they will like that but I did it their way once and they'll do it my way from now on.

Additionally, I have major issues with the month of May as the past four have been nothing but heartache (a miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, IVF with zero fertilization, and an unfulfilled due date) but our timeline suddenly seems very tight so I guess I'll have to deal with it.

I am beyond heartbroken...I just don't understand why my body is such a failure. Why can I not have the one thing I've always wanted? I've cried out to God but so far He's not answering me.

4 comments:

Michele said...

I cant sleep either...

Hon, I am so sorry. I've asked God 'why' a lot over the last 11+ years of marriage and dont have a good answer... I'm sorry. :( Sending hugs...

Soapchick said...

Rachel I'm so sorry. I know the pain of a failed DE cycle and it sucks. I don't know why we have to go through so much heartache and failure over and over again. For now just hug TOIAW tight. I have some more thoughts for you, but will wait a few days to share them. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Rachel said...

I am so, so sorry. We'll be praying that Sarah's little siblings is just hanging out in the freezer now and that your next cycle will be -the one- for you both. I really hope TOIAW is doing his best to keep you company and distract you when he's not at work. Wish we could be there.

AKD said...

Rachel, I just don't have the words. I've been praying for you, and pray that God answers your call. Hugs.