Wednesday, January 13, 2010

No More Statistics, Please

First things first, we survived Sarah's first birthday with a minimal shedding of tears. Something I feared would be truly awful wasn't that bad, actually. Many people prayed for us and I think that made all the difference. I have a sense of peace which is new. I nearly always have hope but I rarely have a peaceful heart. The cake I made for Sarah was amazing if I do say so myself. We're still enjoying a piece every night for dessert. It's nothing short of miraculous to me that this is even possible for us. I don't really think I ever thought we could truly be happy and enjoy the small things in life again. It's redemption; pure, simple, and amazingly sweet.

In other news, we chose a donor. We were given very little information about her but I feel comfortable with our decision. And now I want to be excited about the upcoming cycle...but I'm not. I suppose it's not so much that I'm not excited but more that I don't have much confidence it will be successful. I know the odds of success with donor eggs and I do think the clinic has a good lab but I'm still haunted by all the disappointments of the past. Chief among my fears is that our poor fertilization rates were not just my eggs but were also due in part to TOIAW's contributions which have never been bad but there has been some cause for slight concern. I realize these thoughts are normal for someone in my situation but TOIAW is completely confident it's going to work. He LOVES to hear the clinic's statistics and donor egg statistics in general. I, on the other hand, do not trust statistics because, as you know, I am rarely on the good side of them. Well, aren't I cheery tonight?

The thing is I desperately want to be excited and hopeful. Perhaps it will come. Tomorrow is the only day of the week for which I have no commitments and I plan to spend time in prayer really seeking God as I enter this cycle. I'm glad He and I have an open relationship because I don't plan on holding back anything!

P.S. Right after I hit "publish" and then clicked to look at the post a song popped in my head, Bring the Rain by MercyMe. The particular line I was singing--without even realizing I was doing it until after I sang it to myself--was "bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings You glory..." I guess our chat is actually beginning tonight...

4 comments:

Michele said...

Sending loving thoughts...

Soapchick said...

I thank God for the peace you are feeling. Hugs Rachel. Good news on the donor.

AKD said...

You have been in my prayers and thoughts. I am so glad that you had a peaceful day remembering Sarah.

I will continue my prayers for you, this time hoping that the donor cycle is amazing. You deserve so much happiness. God bless!

N said...