Sunday, January 10, 2010

Do you know how to numb your heart?

If so, please let me know because it might make tomorrow--and the following week--bearable.

Tomorrow is Sarah's birthday. I keep trying to distract myself but that only lasts for so long. I keep thinking back to what I was doing last year on this day (hanging out at home sick and not knowing I was in labor). How is it that it's been a year since my baby was here with us? How have I survived this long without her? How will I survive tomorrow, the coming week, the rest of my life? Oh how I wish I could have a note from heaven telling me she's fine.

Tomorrow TOIAW is supposed to make an appointment for us to choose an egg donor. We'll go either tomorrow or Tuesday...ironic, no? I can't decide if it would be healthy or not for me to do that tomorrow. Part of me says yes; it means we're moving on and staying positive. Part of me says no; it's Sarah's day and I might not be in the right frame of mind anyway.

So anyway, we don't really have special plans but I am going to make a cake and we might release balloons (if we can find a place to buy them). I also want to look at Sarah's pictures which, oddly, is something I rarely do and I have a tremendous amount of guilt because of it.

I miss her so much.


N said...

Happy birthday to Sarah. Much love and peace to you.

AKD said...

I've been wondering how you were doing after your trip!

Wow, so tomorrow is a big day. Happy birthday to Sarah, and hugs and prayers for you. I hope that tomorrow is a peaceful day for you - I think the balloon release sounds beautiful. Maddie's birthday is a few days after the 4th of July, I was thinking about lighting a sparkler for her (which seems kind of silly when I say it aloud). We did a balloon release at her memorial, and it was just wonderful.

I just know that you'll find the perfect egg donor. I'm sending you warm thoughts and hugs.

The Gutsy Mom said...

I don't think you would really want your heart to be numb, though I understand the longing. Everyone who loves you, including Sarah, relies on your beautiful, open, feeling heart to make them feel loved. I am praying that you DO get that message from heaven, in some way. Wouldn't it be wonderful if, on her birthday, Sarah's spirit could guide you to the right donor? We're here for you.

Rachel said...

Happy birthday sweet baby Sarah. I hope you are watching over your mama and sending her all sorts of guidance as she works on finding the write donor for your future siblings.

This is the type of anniversary no mother should have to observe, but hoping that you do so with peace in your heart.

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Michele said...

Happy Birthday, Sarah. Thinking of your sweet parents and you today.

Soapchick said...

Happy Birthday Sarah! I hope you send a spiritual hug to your mama and daddy today.