Monday, December 14, 2009

My Fantasy

TOIAW's biological mother died when he was about two and a half. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but he was born in this very Mystery Country but they actually left shortly after his mother's death from cancer. His mother is buried in a cemetary that is less than ten minutes (drive) from our apartment. When TOIAW and his twin brother visited the grave in August, it was, like many of the other graves in the cemetary, not maintained and needed to be cleaned so they did what they could and then hired a man to take care of it. Saturday we went to visit the grave and pay the man for his work.

TOIAW doesn't remember her apart from a few vague memories that involve visiting her in the hospital. I've often suggested he ask his older brother but he tells me his brother all but refuses to discuss their mother. He's odd, but we already knew that. We do have quite a few pictures of her and she was a beautiful woman and TOIAW and his twin bear a striking resemblence to her.

There are two pictures of her on her grave. As I stared at them Saturday, I entertained this elaborate fantasy of having a nice and loving relationship with her, my "biological" mother-in-law. One in which I am loved and accepted into her family. That is, indeed, just a fantasy and two weeks from today I will be sailing the high seas with the "other" in-laws who neither love nor accept me. Oh well.

As we left I couldn't help but think about how proud TOIAW's mom would be/is of him. As he concludes the graduate school application process I know he is nervous and anxious about the results and that is only exacerbated by his father's insistence that he must go to an Ivy League school or he will be a failure (remember this). If only my fantasy of love and acceptance from his family were true for both of us.


AKD said...

I think it's just so amazing that you're such a source of unfaltering and unconditional love. That's what you both deserve, and it's amazing that you provide it when his family wouldn't, Rachel. Hugs and hugs.

Michele said...

Oh honey... I'm sorry. One thing that I feel grateful for is the acceptance and love of my in-laws. I know so many who dont have that and it is devastating. I hope that one day you both find unconditional love in family. You deserve it so much.