Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Rest of the Story

Well the housekeeper is here so I’m hiding in my room. Somehow this isn’t what I envisioned. I mean it’s great to have her here and have everything completely organized and clean but it pretty much leaves me with nothing to do but work on TOIAW’s applications (which I should be doing anyway). She’s making me dinner tonight—vegetable soup with chicken—and Friday she bought something she described as “big chicken” which I think means turkey. I keep thinking I should be more nervous than I am.

Okay, you’re never going to believe this but while I was writing the above paragraph a guy came to “fix” our satellite. [I used quotes because I have very little confidence he will be able to do anything of significance. He couldn’t even find our apartment and it’s not at all difficult. The housekeeper used the universal ‘he’s crazy’ sign when she got off the phone with him after giving him directions (which consisted of her sticking her head out the window and yelling at him).] So when he arrived the two of them started jabbering away but neither speaks English. I was desperate so I did the unthinkable: I called my in-laws and asked them to translate. They actually seemed—hold onto your hats—HAPPY to speak with me. Shocking, I know. I couldn’t believe it either. I have strict instructions to call them back as soon as Dude is done running his diagnostics which, according to my FIL, will take half an hour. He keeps making loud sighing noises so I guess we have a tough case. Then again, I would be making loud sighing noises if I were working on it because those things confuse me as well which is probably why I’m not a repairman.

Now, onto the update I promised you yesterday. You’re probably on the edge of your seats. So, TOIAW obviously had a huge argument. It involved me not wanting him to call his brother right before bed because he always talks about my SIL’s pregnancy and since evenings are my worst time of the day I asked if he could wait until the next day. Then it—the argument, that is—morphed into something completely different about my mourning and how I need to stop thinking about Sarah so much (as if it’s a choice?!) and blah, blah, blah. The next day I thought it might be better but it wasn’t. After he came back from his morning meetings I told him I was making an appointment with a counselor and he could go with me if he wanted and he did. The military has a really great program now where a counselor goes to a base and stays for 6 weeks or so. They do not keep any records and it’s completely anonymous. We didn’t care about those things but they are nice for many people. What I did like about her is she isn’t affiliated with the military in any way; she’s just a marriage and family counselor from California who is spending 6 weeks in the Bavarian Alps helping people and doesn’t have an agenda to push. Not that there aren’t excellent counselors associate with the military but, I don’t know, I feel like we have non-military related issues so she was a good fit for us. It was VERY helpful; we both talked and we both listened and we got some excellent feedback. When we left I couldn’t believe we had been there for 2.5 hours! And now we’re both allowed to grieve however and whenever we want. Of course there was far more than that discussed but that’s the gist of it. I never would have thought TOIAW would be open to counseling but he was and he really opened up and that helped me to understand where he’s coming from.

No one said marriage was easy. At least no one who has ever been married.


N said...

Not easy in the least. But so worth it. ♥ I'm so glad he agreed to go with you, and while I know the work is nowhere near done, it's a great first step to getting there.

mrsmuelly said...

First off - directions consisting of sticking her head out the window and yelling = hilarious!!!!

Concerning the grieving an arguments that morph around that subject, you are not alone. Your DH is not alone either since mine wanted me to "be better" at points too. I don't blame my DH for feeling that way (after much discussion and some more arguments) bc he just wanted the happy me back. It took a long time for him to accept that I would never and could never be that same person again. What we went through and how we feel won't go away or be swept under the rug. Somehow we learn how to continue through life with this new experience bc that's all we can do.

I'm so glad that you guys went to counseling together. I really think that will be a huge step to help communicate. The one thing that I've learned with DH is that we are so very different in how we react and grieve and even interact with others grieving. It has been helpful to realize that.

AKD said...

Good luck with the “big chicken”…! I guess it can either be really good or really bad, right? :)

I love that your housekeeper seems so sweet – and that you have such a good rapport with her even over the language barrier. (I love the “crazy” symbol!) Hopefully the satellite is done soon – you’re going to need some diversion!

It sounds like you and TO(Y)AW had a great talk with the counselor. I know the convo about “stop thinking about the baby” well – it’s so hard, because I think they’re just built so differently than us. My husband doesn’t want to “dwell” – while I just can’t help thinking about Maddie. I am so glad that you’re in such a good place. :)