Wednesday, November 25, 2009

It was bound to happen eventually

It finally happened. I’ve had my miscarriage/ectopic meltdown. I’d like to think it’s tapering off but it’s too soon to tell. The day began innocently enough with me checking my email and finding a sweet note from a dear friend which brought tears to my eyes but that’s nothing new. I knew there was something out of whack when I read the next email about the engagement of a couple we met in D.C. It was a sweet story and all but I couldn’t imagine why I was crying and then, suddenly, I thought back to our engagement and all the pain we’ve had in the short time since. Of course there have been happy times also and the one that immediately popped into my head was Flippy’s (Sarah’s name in utero) first high-resolution ultrasound…one year ago today. I honestly had not thought about it until that very moment but somehow, buried deep in my heart and mind the information was stored. And at that point, all bets were off. Oh my word, how did my life turn out like this? It wasn’t supposed to be like this!

Earlier today I decided to call the IVF clinic here and fill them in on what’s going on with me. Big mistake as I clearly should have done this on one of the previous two days when I was more emotionally stable because it appears as if our timeline is in jeopardy. This wouldn’t be a huge deal if I didn’t already have tickets. Obviously we knew when we purchased the tickets that it was risky but I assumed the only risk would be having the procedure not work. Having to alter the timeline wasn’t really on my radar. So now I’m eagerly awaiting Cycle Day 1 and unless it comes very early, I will be substantially delayed due to our trip to the US for the holidays. There’s no way to know right now what the alternate timeline might be and that frustrates me also. It goes without saying there were plenty of tears after that phone call. Why, oh WHY did this have to happen?! Seriously, I was rolling with it, taking it all in stride, and then this?!

Tomorrow we’re celebrating Thanksgiving with a huge group of people and I really wish we had declined the offer. I don’t want to go. I asked what I could bring and was told wine. We very rarely drink and haven’t purchased one drop of liquor here so that works out well for us. Also, I’m pretty sure they will be serving stuffing as opposed to cornbread dressing and that makes me want to puke in my mouth a little. I’ve considered bringing some cornbread dressing but I don’t know if that would be rude since I was assigned the booze. I also want to make a pecan pie because, for me, it’s just not Thanksgiving without those two items. Honestly, it’s not about pie or dressing, it’s about the fact that I don’t want to be around a bunch of people who I know feel pity for me when they don’t have a clue what our year has really been like.

Well, let me end on a more positive note. I am recovering very nicely and have no pain whatsoever. I was able to walk around Vienna and we had a great time. The Lipizanner’s were nothing short of amazing! Thanks, Gwen J


N said...

I hope that tomorrow is not too painful for you, and that the your body cooperates with the timeline issues.

AKD said...

Oh, Rachel. I am just so sorry. I can’t even imagine how hard these few weeks have been for you, but you’ve sure been in my thoughts and prayers. Make sure to take whatever time you need to cry, heal, and cherish. If you don’t feel like going to Thanksgiving, be “sick”! You’re still healing emotionally and physically, being around people should be on your terms.

I’m so glad that you’re feeling so well physically. I’ll be hoping for a very early Day 1. Hopefully the schedule is right on track – I’m thinking of you. I know how frustrating it is to have to postpone a cycle and transfer – you feel so helpless and at the mercy of your body’s whims.

The Gutsy Mom said...

I totally vote with AKD... stay home and make yourself a pecan pie and cornbread dressing. Send TOYAW to the dinner for a short time only -- long enough to make off with some leftovers for you, so you can round out your Thanksgiving menu in comfort.

Separately, I am thinking of you so much these days, and I hope your cycle gets on track with what you want and need.


Soapchick said...

Yes it was bound to happen and I'm glad that you let all of the feelings out even if it didn't feel like a convenient time. I hope your IVF schedule is able to be salvaged, but it also sounds like a trip to the US may do you some good. I agree with the other girls - maybe you should stay home tomorrow and make yourself a pie and cornbread stuffing (which sounds absolutely divine by the way). Being from the north (well midwest) we have the regular stuffing, not the cornbread kind, but I bet it is better! Hugs Rachel and I will say some extra prayers for you tonight.

Rachel said...

I am so sorry that this loss is going to change your schedule for IVF. If you're not feeling up to it, I would just back out of Thanksgiving. I am sure they would understand if they knew the whole story but you really don't need an excuse other than something came up.

Michele said...

Oh sweetie... I am so sorry. Sending hugs and a prayer.