Thursday, October 29, 2009

Alone

Today I feel unbelievably alone. I couldn't feel more alone if I lived on an isolated outpost without communication technology thousands of miles for civiliation. On second thought, that might actually feel more isololating now that I think about it. But, anyway, today I do feel very alone only I'm not which is confusing to me. I'm currently in Germany and while I don't know anyone in the town where I am currently, I do know some really awesome people and dear friends who aren't that far away from me. Additionally, if I wanted to pick up the phone that is a mere 12 inches from my hand, I could make an appointment to see a professional counselor. The other day I overheard the counselor telling someone what she does and I'm familiar with her program and she seems so incredibly warm and kind but have I called her? No. Why? I feel alone and don't see how talking about it is going to help.

How can talking about it make it easier to answer the "do you have children" question? How can talking about it make my husband's cruel words and actions hurt less? How can talking about it change the fact that if I ever have another baby he/she will not have my DNA? How can talking about it change how painful it is that my SIL is pregnant and I am not?

In the MC there is no one to talk with so I feel alone. In Germany there are people to talk with and yet I feel even more alone here because I just don't see the point.

1 comment:

AKD said...

Oh, Rachel. My heart is just breaking for you. I know that your post after this was more hopeful, but I can only imagine how lonely it is all of the way over there. I really like my grief counselor, but you're right - it doesn't DO anything.

I am just so sorry that those are questions that you have to think about. I'm so sorry that you have the additional burden of such a heavy loss, and that facing the pregnancy of one you love is so hard. I obviously can't know exactly how you feel, but please know that I share so many of those feelings with you, and that my heart is hurting for you. Biggest hugs.