Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Will I ever be normal again?

I am exhausted--physically and emotionally--but I can't sleep because I am so afraid my phone will ring with bad news about PP. The doctor gave me no indication she expects there to be issues but why would I let a little thing like that get in the way of my worry? I just keep remembering Sarah's last night...everything happening so fast...watching the monitors...hearing the sounds of the NICU...seeing the doctors gather and consult...watching the nurse hook-up more medications for her tiny body...leaving for a few minutes of sleep only to be awakened by my phone and TOIAW's voice telling me to come back because she was declining...and so much more after that that I cannot write about because it's better if it just stays in my head. Such an awful, scary, horrible night.

I think I'm better--that I can function--and then, BAM!, I'm reminded I'm not. I'm pretty sure I never will be. Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of the day we first saw her heartbeat. I want to remember and then again I don't want to remember but it doesn't matter because I do remember. I remember it all.

2 comments:

Soapchick said...

You are normal, but this is your new normal. I'm sorry all of this is bringing back the pain you went through with Sarah, but she is in heaven giving you the strength to make it through this. You have an Angel who will always be with you, through thick and thin. Hugs Rachel.

Michele said...

Every memory, even when painful, brings us a connection to our babies. It's hard but I wouldnt give them up for anything in the world... Not if it means giving them up. I'd rather remember and hurt than not remember at all.

Sending you warm, loving thoughts as you remember your Sarah.