Monday, August 31, 2009

Two More Thoughts:

1. The internet is in serious need of information on aortic bulges in canines. Also, this information should be in the form of blogs and message boards rather than papers published in veterinary journals.

2. If anything does happen to PP (parish the thought!), I might have to rethink the notion of bringing any other living entity into our home and lives. This includes, but is not limited to, babies, animals, potted herbs, and chia pets. We are not safe.

By the way, is this year almost over?

Please, No

Princess Poopsalot had a routine appointment two weeks ago and the doctor heard a heart murmur that concerned her and she wanted to get x-rays. She didn't seem too alarmed and I was doubtful since she had a check-up less than a month earlier (the only purpose of the appointment was just to get a health certificate for her to fly and enter into the Mystery Country) so after her appointment last week I rescheduled it for today. It was a drop-off appointment and when I went back to get her the doctor ushered me back to look at "what they found." It was about that time I began to get worried. PP's aorta has a large bulge in it and pretty much all the potential causes are less than desirable. I am SICK with worry. I just keep petting her and trying not to cry. She has an appointment tomorrow at a veterinary school with their cardiologist where they will do an ultrasound and hopefully have more answers. I am so scared. We can't lose her. She seems just fine--perfect, really--which makes all this better and worse.

This would be difficult no matter what but, as you might imagine, this brings lots of bad memories to the surface...not that they're ever buried too deep. We simply canNOT lose her. We just can't. It's not an option.

Oh, and today I got the IRS check and a check returning our security deposit from our house in D.C. I should have been happy but I'm not. Money can't make PP's aorta normal. Money can't bring Sarah back. Last week all I wanted to do was deposit those checks and admire them in my savings account. Today I really could not care less. Reminds me of the saying, "If money can fix it, it's not a problem."

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


Just call me Grace. I stepped in a ditch at the dog park--well, technically, it was outside the dog park--and felt a loud pop and severe pain. I had to walk to my car to get my phone and call my aunt to come get me because I couldn't get the dogs to the car by myself and I didn't feel I could drive because it was my right foot. I haven't gone to the doctor because I'm quite sure it's not broken but I can't really walk on it so I have that going for me. I can rotate it to 2.5 cardinal directions so that's good, right? I have iced it and elevated it and now I'm waiting for my dad and brother to finish coaching their respective high school football teams to come home and give me their expert opinions. I'll probably be told I have to sit out of practice tomorrow but hopefully it's not any more serious than that.

I love my dogs a lot but I really wish there was a way to blame them for this.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Trick Question?

TOIAW and I recently purchased a house. This qualified us for the first time homeowners' tax credit and once we heard we could file for it now rather than wait until we filed our taxes next year we were all over it.

Friday the IRS was so sweet to send TOIAW and I both identical letters stating they had credited our account (not sure what account that we all have IRS accounts?) and we would receive our refund within two weeks. I was very concerned to see they sent these letters to our previous address. I was sure sure to put our new address on the amended return and, well, it just kind of makes sense that if we purchased a new house, we would have a new address, right? Mr. Ship at the IRS thinks so and he is "so very sorry" and he "has no idea what happened" but the check was sent to our old address before the aforementioned letters that have already been forwarded and received. That's not good news for the home team, kids.

So I called the post office to ask if they could please check our old mailbox (the house is empty) and make sure there wasn't anything there that was accidentally not forwarded. The postal worker then asked me, "Are you receiving all your first and second class mail?" How could I possibly know that? I asked her just that and she replied, "Is that a trick question?" I hate to admit defeat but I just thanked her and hung up because I didn't see that conversation going anywhere.

Then I called my insurance to try to sort out my behavioral health referral. That was equally awful and fruitless. I don't have the energy to explain the details--besides, it would be really boring to read--but it looks like I'm going to have to pay $300 and then 50% after that. That's not really that big of a deal but I shouldn't have to pay anything. Don't worry, though, I'll still go to my appointment on Wednesday and I already have a list of things to discuss.

The mail just arrived with plenty of forwarded mail but sans refund check. Bummer.

One Year Ago

One year ago today I saw 2 pink lines. Those lines were my sweet Sarah announcing her presence. As I enter into this season I am filled with tremendous sadness, loneliness, and longing. It's gotten so bad that I saw a counselor last week (and I'll see him again this week) but he says I'm doing fine, all things considered. It's difficult to imagine that this much pain could ever be considered normal.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Checking In

Just a quick note to say we made it to Oklahoma without any issues. We're so thankful for that! I have many emails to return but that will probably have to wait until TOIAW leaves on Sunday. We've been busy with quite a few errands but I'm sure once he leaves I'll be back to my prolific blogging which is to say I'll probably be a little bored.

We're actually getting ready to leave for my grandma's farm (aka, The Dog Shangri la; they LOVE it there) and then back tomorrow morning. First, though, I need to clean the house so my mom doesn't kick us to the curb.

Can you believe that two weeks ago today I spent the entire day crying in bed? I know a lot of you think I should be more upset than I am but, again, losing a child--a pain that never goes away--makes sucky eggs pale in comparison.

Monday, August 3, 2009

On The Road Again

We're almost ready to leave for our drive to Oklahoma. I'm still thankful I didn't have to spend the weekend with my in-laws but I had a crazy one here alone and I am exhausted. Not the best tone when beginning a two-day journey with a trailer, two dogs, and a husband in tow.

I'm sad to leave this house but not because I like it (because I never really did). Rather, because it provided shelter during the hopeful times of my pregnancy and shelter again in the darkest days of my grief. Yesterday we went through the house designating what will go where and when I saw the shelf containing Sarah's things I just sat down and cried. She never got to 'come home' to this house in the way I wanted her to. Instead, she's in a beautiful silver urn that will leave with me today. It's not the way it was supposed to be.

It seems fitting that I would cry a few (several) last tears as we drive away.