Sunday, July 12, 2009

Sinking In

I think the shock of losing Papa (that's how we spell it but we pronounce it paw-paw) is beginning to wear off, maybe. Yesterday was an incredibly difficult day but as I've learned over the past six months, the sun continues to rise every day even if sometimes you just wish time would stand still. And with each passing day you re-learn how to live. The hardest thing I had to do was talk to my grandma. She's completely devastated which is understandable because they were married for nearly 61 years. She already misses him and I know she's going to be terribly lonely. They have a large farm which she intends to sell and move to a small town but before she sells the farm she isn't going to move and it certainly concerns me to think of her being so isolated and alone. Oh, my heart is so heavy for her!

I decided not to go home for the funeral. I have an appointment both tomorrow (Monday) morning and Wednesday morning so, technically, I could fly tomorrow afternoon and fly back Tuesday afternoon but TOIAW and I discussed it and just didn't think it would be a good idea. My grandma told me that one of Papa's two wishes in life is that I would have a baby. I have no doubt in my mind this is what Papa would have wanted me to stay here and give myself the best chances for IVF so that's what I'm going to do.

My grandma asked me to write a eulogy for my brother to read. I'm working on it but it's very emotional to say the least. I'll probably wait until tomorrow to finish it and would appreciate your prayers.

I just spoke to Ma (that's what we call her) and they had recently returned from the funeral home viewing (I really don't get this but for some people it's really important so to each his own). She sounds better but very tired. I know she's still in shock and she told TOIAW she keeps thinking he's going to walk in the door any minute as if he's just been out working in the garden. That brought a tear even to TOIAW's eye. But Ma is so 'proud' as she says of all the guests and food they've received. To her this is a testament to the great man Papa was. But, frankly, it doesn't surprise me in the least because I've known for that for over 35 years.


N said...

Seeing how many lives our loved ones have touched is definitely one of the mixed blessings of such events. I'm sorry you can't be there, and hope you can find the words for the eulogy. I know it will mean a lot to your family.

AdventureMom said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Rachel. Jim and I are praying for you. I'm glad you aren't trying to do a marathon trip and that your family is supporting your decision. I hope you can find the words you want to say... not an easy job but you are very good at expressing your thoughts. All our love to you and your family.