Saturday, July 25, 2009

Again? Today? Seriously?

So today the doctor is calling us to [most likely] tell us none of the other newly mature eggs fertilized yesterday. We don't have any hope they will but the phone call will be like reliving the events of yesterday morning and I'm just ready to be done with it. Only I'll never be 'done with it' because any future baby thoughts we have will be about babies who do not share my genetic material. I'm mostly okay with this but it would be a lot easier if my sweet Sarah hadn't looked so much like me. But I am ready to move on and get this show on the road. Not tomorrow, of course, but at least we know where we're going when we get ready to go.

I feel more than a little let down by God. I rarely feel this way and I don't like it but it's true and I'm really struggling. It just seems cruel to me that Sarah would survive several "we don't think this pregnancy is viable" moments only to be born so early and die after a week. And then this cycle six months later...my best cycle ever...and then, nothing. I get that life isn't fair but this seems like a protracted form of torture. TOIAW asked me when God told me I deserved an easy life...and of course he reminded me it really isn't that bad. We have the means to make our dreams of a family come true while so many don't. He says we'll have a great story when all this over. I know I'm more than a little bitter right now but I kind of wanted my 'great story' to go like this, "Oh, we weren't even trying to get pregnant but we did and then the next two times we decided to try again it happened the first month! We're so blessed! I never thought it would be this easy!" Wow...bitter much?

Oh, and I'm still quite sore today so I'm going to take it easy again. The only time I left the house yesterday was to go eat and my only qualification for picking a restaurant was that they serve Coke which is why, when I ordered one and the waiter asked if Pepsi would be okay, I looked at TOIAW and said, "Seriously? Why is this happening?!" I can only imagine what that kid thought of me.

***Sorry, that I keep publishing posts after only writing the title. Not sure what's up with that but then I feel like I need to type really fast so you all don't think I'm nuts...even though I probably am.

4 comments:

Soapchick said...

I'm sorry for you too Rachel. As you can probably guess, I don't have any words of wisdom to tell you. It just totally sucks! Oh and yeah - me and God - same feelings you are having. I hope once the pain subsides you can embrace the new plan - and I really, really hope it works. Hugs to you my friend.

N said...

Take it easy all you need to. And let us know if you need anything.

Will you get an update on the embryos that did fertilize when the doctor calls?

Everything about this IF business is so hard, and makes me, at least, question everything. I can only imagine. But I know that, at the end, there will be the most amazing prize and family for you. I just know it. Even if it will stay incomplete until you get to see Sarah again.

Rachel said...

I am so, so sorry. I really wish that the news had been different, and I share your bitterness about the situation. You have had such an incredibly tough year, and I was hoping this would be the cycle that gave you a little hope for a different next year. Please know that I am thinking of you.

Carrie said...

I found you from Rachel's blog (Long Distance Infertility), and I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you.

It can't fix or change anything, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. IF seems like it always likes to throw salt on the wound.

Hugs!