Sunday, June 21, 2009

Uhhhh....This is Getting Awkward

Dear Mr. President,

I didn't really think anything of it when your wife got all, "I love, love, love JCrew" even though it is well known that I am one of their oldest and dearest customers. After all, they frequently send me emails stating as much.

I didn't even think too much about you and the Veep eating at 5 Guys even though TOIAW and I eat there at least three times a month (thanks to Krista who first alerted me to their amazingly delicious delicacies).

I did, however, begin to get suspicious when, just months after we adopted a black and white rescue dog we named Bootsy, you adopted a black and white rescue dog you named Bo.

I realize there are many people who shop at JCrew, eat at 5 Guys, and own black and white rescue dogs whose names begin with the letters 'b' and 'o'. But don't try to act like going to my favorite FroCo (frozen custard, duh) shop was anything other than an attempt to see what it's like to be Me...and, of course, Bo's attempt to be PP and Bootsy by enjoying their favorite doggy ice cream treats. I'm sure you've heard all the stories about us and you've no doubt concluded it must be quite glamorous to be us. Actually, we get that a lot. Seriously, though, it's getting awkward what with you being TOIAW's boss and all. It's beginning to sound like the plot of one of those thriller movies that premier in September/October that no one really wants to see but you do anyway because there are no other movies playing and you spend most of the movie wondering if the girl in front of you is really that easily scared or if she's just trying to find an excuse to cling to her date's bicep.

Look, I'll make this easy. I'm moving in a couple of months. Until then, I'll just assume our paths will continue to cross by "coincidence" but if you show up in the Mystery Country or Oklahoma, I'll have no choice but to address this issue again.


P.S. No matter what the people at the Dairy Godmother told you about the frequency of our visits, it was surely an exaggeration and there is no need to worry about how all that FroCo might be affecting TOIAW's physical fitness levels. Besides, we always walk and anyway we only go so we can help Bootsy get over her fear of kids because when your security detail isn't guarding the entrance there are no less than 25 kids running around outdoor area. Anyway, if you were maybe thinking of bringing him in for a surprise physical fitness test, just let me know and he'll be there with bells on...but could I please have like a week's--no make it three--notice? Thanks so much, Sir. Or do you prefer Mr. President? Are you as sensitive as Senator Boxer? You know, maybe you should suggest she have some FroCo to cool the heck down. The DG's special flavor today is Butter Pecan and it's delish...or at least that's what my neighbors tell me.


Soapchick said...

With the in-laws?

Rachel said...

Sorry, Kelly, I hit enter and it posted the title before I wrote the post. Actually, though, it did get awkward with the in-laws but I'll write about that later. I won't lie: I'm more than a little jealous of people like you who have normal relationships with their in-laws...then again, that requires having normal people for in-laws!

Rachel said...

It does sound like quite a glamorous lifestyle!

N said...

Okay, so I SWEAR that I sent you that e-mail before reading this post! Oh, I'm laughing...

JJ and Michelle Cartmill said...

ROFL!!! You crack me up! The other day J was reading something you wrote and stated, "In 30 yrs I never thought I'd say this, but she needs to be a writer! She's hilarious!" Ultimate compliment from lil bro! BTW I can totally feel you on wishing you had normal people for in-laws ;-) hehe

Bree said...

I just came over to your blog from Windy's at Chronicles of an Incompetent Cervix. You are hilarious. This post had me giggling fo rminutes. Thank you, I needed that!