Tuesday, May 19, 2009

First, the Good

Don't worry, I won't rob you all of the details of my in-law weekend but first I want to tell you about yesterday because a) it's a much happier subject, and b) I'm still making my list of things I don't want to forget to mention (the entire weekend was pure blogging gold).

So, yesterday I had a saline sonogram to make sure my uterus is free of anything that might prevent implantation. Good news: It is. Even better news: My final admittance into the IVF program should be approved this week. The best news? Assuming all goes as planned with the approval we're going to do the July cycle! Lesson learned? If you're patient, calm, and prayerful rather than naggy (is that a word?) and anxious, you just might find people [read: husbands] are more open to your point of view. This decision is one that has weighed heavily on both TOIAW and me because we know the sooner we do IVF, the less time we will spend together in the coming year*. The flip side being that we really want to have a baby. So here we are and the decision is made. Woo-Hoo!!!

Anyway, on the way to my appointment I realized it was the 18th and had a nice little cry but I pulled it together, mostly. I really liked the doctor and I don't want to say anything bad but is it so difficult to read my records rather than making me tell you? Never mind, she was very kind and spent a long time talking to me about what would happen next, etc. The nurse--who has red hair and is named Sarah--was also very kind. They both assured me that it bodes well for me that IVF has worked for me and that most people who have pre-term labor and/or incompetent cervix go on to have healthy babies in the future. I didn't go into the appointment needing to hear any of this, but it really helped. Lately I've been very anxious about this cycle not working and I know I really need to relax. I prayed about it on the way to the hospital and God was faithful to answer me so clearly. After all, it's out of my control and I have to give it to Him or I'm going to drive myself insane.

I'm now off to do some [major] cleaning because my brother, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew are coming tomorrow for a week-long visit. I'm very excited...except about the cleaning part.

*In case you're not tracking this, I will not be able to go with TOIAW to the Mystery Country when/if I am pregnant because adequate OB care--at least not the level I need--is not available there.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Blog Therapy

Tomorrow we're going to Georgia for TOIAW's brother's law school graduation. It's already painful. I just spoke to my sister-in-law who told me that, in addition to the cocktail reception she is hosting, there is a separate cocktail party Friday evening. I was not aware of that until just an hour ago and I have no idea what clothes we will wear. I just might wear the same dress to both events...or perhaps I will be terribly under dressed at the Friday event. I don't really care all that much because TOIAW's parents will undoubtedly dress in wildly inappropriate attire.

TOIAW is already acting super-excited--think of a child--because he will be seeing his family tomorrow. This means I cannot get a serious answer out of him for any question I ask. It's even more annoying than you can imagine. It's also a concern because during the drive tomorrow we will be making some major decisions about the next year and I need him to FOCUS.

To that end, I had my follow-up RE appointment today. I completely broke down when I had to fill out the how many pregnancies have you had/how many miscarriages/how many living children information--it was awful. I could barely breathe and TOIAW was parking the car but once he came in, I calmed down. Yesterday I told some complete strangers about Sarah and didn't shed a tear; today, the smallest thing was enough to push me over the edge. Such is my life. The good--actually, great--news is that everything looks good so far and, barring anything unforeseen, I will be approved for the program. It's not a done deal yet, but it is a huge blessing that my hormone tests look normal! I need to have a saline sonogram early next week and then I will have another appointment where I will, hopefully, receive final acceptance into the program. So now we have to decide July or October? This is a very difficult decision for us, to say the least.

Well, thanks for being my therapists tonight. I know the weekend won't be all bad...and even if it is, we'll only be with them less than 65 hours. I'm off to fold laundry and pack. I'll be sure to update Monday!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Race Recap

My apologies for taking so long to write this. Thanks for caring enough to request the details!

Let me just end the suspense for you right now and tell you I didn't win the race. Now that we have that out of the way you can sit back and enjoy the rest of the post...

The weekend of the race was really hot. The race was on Sunday so I planned on doing my last long run on Friday but due to the heat and some other things I can't remember right now, it didn't happen. I don't think that made any difference at all so I'm glad I went to get a pedicure instead. The day before the race was so hot that when we got to the dog park, our dogs went to get a drink of water and then headed immediately for the shade. I was VERY. NERVOUS.

The race began at 8 and even though the bus stop area--where you go to load buses to take you to the starting point--was just a couple of miles from our house we drove. We left at 6:20 but still barely made it in time to get on one of the last buses which you would think would mean we wouldn't have to wait too long before the race began but if you thought that, you would be wrong. I hated that part. I spent most of the time sizing up the competition trying to find people who looked like they would be slower than me. Oh, and I discovered I left my little chippy widget that would time me in the car.* Let me just say that if you had been there you would have thought this 5k was an Olympic trial based on some of the people there and their elaborate pre-race routines. Seriously. I wish I had been faster because TOIAW ran with some of them and he said it was hilarious the way they would grab cups of water and throw them down and/or douse themselves like they were going for the gold. [I should note that TOIAW thinks you are 'weak' if you need fluids to get through a 3.2 mile run. I say if stopping for water when it's in the high 80's with 90% humidity makes me wrong, I don't want to be right.] So watching the 'hardcore' crowd was relaxing and helped take the edge off, thankfully.

FINALLY we lined up (TOIAW and I were together and I wanted to be much further back than I was but it was fun to begin together) and the race began! I ran the first mile pretty well. I turned around at the marker to see how many were behind me and I was more than pleased. Then there was a hill. Ugh. So I'm chugging up the hill singing TOIAW's cadence that goes 'little hill, no sweat--big hill, better yet.' I know, I know but it helped and it helps me with my breathing which I believe is at least part of the reason why they sing cadences in the military. Then, at the top of the hill there were a few spectators...and I saw two very pregnant women...and I held it together for about 30 seconds before I lost it. I really lost it. So many emotions and thoughts flooded my mind while the tears flooded my eyes. It took me about 10 minutes to pull it together (possibly longer but but I don't want to exaggerate my final time) but pull it together I did and although I both walked and cried the next 1.5 miles I finished in 47ish minutes. I was hoping for better--and I have had much better times even if you subtract the breakdown time--but I finished and I'm proud of that.

The most embarrassing moment came when I heard all this commotion behind me and I noticed the spectators were rising to their feet and clapping. "Why?" I thought. "It can't be. Seriously? How embarrassing," were my next three thoughts. In addition to the 5k race, there was also a 10 mile run and the lead runner was not far behind me. So I ran faster. Of course, he still beat me as did his friend. I was really self-conscious running in front of all the people at the finish line so I ran faster--so it would be over with faster--and at some point someone yelled something like, "Yay! You go girl!" which I have no doubt was meant to be sincere but it still embarrassed me.

TOIAW was waiting for at the finish line with water and a big hug. That's when I lost it again and sat down on the bank of the Potomac and had a good cry complete with statements like, "I'm supposed to be having a baby, not running a race," and the like.** After we made it back to the car--which was by no means a sure thing because it seemed like it was much farther away than I thought I could walk--we stopped by CVS where I proudly shopped while still wearing my race number.

All in all, it was a lot of fun and I would really like to do it again, soon. Who knew?!

*This actually turned out to be a great thing because TOIAW did wear his and last week he received an email with 'action shots' of him running and crossing the finish line. I saw what I looked like afterwards and I'm 100% positive I would not want to see any action shots of me.

**And even then there were still some 5kers just finishing so clearly I had nothing to worry about there.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Step Away From the Computer

Why, oh why do I torture myself with Dr. Google? I have an appointment a week from tomorrow to get the results of the hormone testing. I'm already nervous...'cause that will surely help. Ugh. I'm usually not like this, but lately I find myself being jealous of other people's pregnancies. Not because they are pregnant but because the majority of the rest of the world has normal pregnancies.

We've made so many plans for our next pregnancy and we're still so far from it actually happening much less having it be successful (sorry, I guess I'm feeling negative after my consultation with Dr. G). So, yeah, my current obsession is what will my hormone levels be and what will this mean for my chances of getting into the cheaper [military] program and/or having a successful IVF cycle. I need to stop. I need to relax. I need to go back to that place I was when I was blessed with indescribable peace about all of this. What happened?! Yeah, I don't know either.

I have SO MUCH to share but, alas, I am going to follow my own advice and step away for now. I need to do some homework even though my teacher told TOIAW she's "taking it easy on me." I'm going into class tomorrow fully prepared!