Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Big Race!

I feel like I need to begin every blog post with an apology about why it's been so long since my last post. I'm fighting it, but I'm not going to do that this time.

So, Sunday is the big race! Tomorrow I would be 39 weeks so the timing is perfect. I've enjoyed training and running and I'm really excited about the race. I'm even more excited that the 10 mile race participants start further back than the 5k group so even if I come in last with the 5k people, I still won't be running alone. Good news, huh? I think so anyway...

After the race, I leave for a one-week trip to Orlando with my aunt and two cousins. TOIAW will join us on Wednesday. I couldn't be more excited to get away and relax!

When we get home we'll have to make some major decisions about the move to the Mystery Country. Ugh. We'll have the hormone test results by then which will are a huge factor in our decision. If I make it into the program here in D.C., our choice will be between whether to try in July or wait until October. If I try in July, I will immediately go to live in Oklahoma. If we wait until October, I will go with TOIAW for a few months, come back here for IVF, and then go to Oklahoma. Each option poses a variety of logistical challenges. Not getting into the program involves an entirely different group of logistical and financial issues. To quote Scarlett, I can't think about this now! I'll go crazy if I do! I'll think about it tomorrow!

The hormone testing went well in terms of side effects. Last time I took this particular drug--at a lower dose--it made me completely stark raving mad. This time, I barely noticed it. I hope that doesn't mean it had no effect of me. I asked Dr. Google but the results are inconclusive. I'm really anxious about it, though. To be completely honest, I can't exactly say I've had zero side effects because I've had the rather unpleasant side effect of heart palpitations and mild chest discomfort. Yeah. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac so we went to the ER Tuesday night. Not to worry, all's well. This has actually happened to me before when I've been on hormones. It's disconcerting but my test results have always been completely normal. I've also had mild hot flashes but nothing like before and it's a bit difficult to measure whether or not I'm overly emotional because I still cry at least a little every day (although that's due to happy thoughts just as often as sad ones).

Who cares? I'm going to Disney World next week, staying in an awesome luxury hotel, and having FUN!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Here we go again...

I haven't mentioned it yet, but we had our initial fertility clinic appointment about three weeks ago. They require a new HSG (test to see if your fallopian tubes are open) and mine aren't. That is, of course, a new development since I've gotten pregnant on my own three times. Well, actually we knew one of the tubes was blocked because I had an ectopic pregnancy but the other one was open according to two previous tests. So there you go.

I am now beginning the battery of blood tests and we'll probably have the results some time in early May. I'm really nervous. I've long suspected something was up with my ovarian reserve and hormone levels but in Germany that's not really something doctors discuss with patients; they simply draw up the treatment plan and that's that. When I asked they just said, "it's okay," or, "it's normal." I want actual numbers. You can't go to Dr. Google with phrases like 'okay' and 'normal.' Soon I will have my actually numbers and it's altogether possible that when I get them, I won't want them. Ugh.

And even still, bad news is never the end of the world. There are treatment options available. Unfortunately, those options aren't available at the military facility I would like to use (because it's cheap and has a very good reputation). They have requirements that must be met in order to be admitted into the IVF program and the primary one involves hormone levels (the ones that indicate how many eggs you have and if they're good although, oddly, there is no way to know if the eggs actually are good, they can only tell if they're not good). Going to a private clinic would be very expensive and it would just be another obstacle I would prefer to avoid.

I go back and forth between feeling peace about everything and being terrified. It often changes by the minute. The weather here has been cold and rainy for the past few days which is never good for me these days. But I'm hanging in there. I just really thought we were done with the fertility appointments for a while and I'm angry and frustrated that we're not but we must move forward so here we go again...

Friday, April 10, 2009

Something in Common

Today is Good Friday. I've always wondered how God felt watching His son die. I think I have a little more insight into that now. Of course our circumstances were very different but I have to think the pain is still quite similar. Still, because of the events we remember/celebrate today and Sunday, I know--that I know, that I know, that I know--that the goodbye I said to Sarah was only temporary. Thank you, Yeshua...