Monday, February 9, 2009

What Happened?

I want to write a post about how much fun I had this weekend with my friend K but I just don't have it in me right now. Not because I didn't have fun but because I've just gotten more and more sad every minute since we dropped her off this morning. So far every time I have a good time it's tempered with a really rough time afterwards. Is this guilt or am I just making up for lost tears? In so many ways I think I'm doing well--and I probably am, all things considered--and then I have a bad day and I wonder if I'll ever be okay again.

My heart aches with a pain so fierce I couldn't begin to describe it. It's the most awful feeling I have ever experienced.

TOIAW is taking a class this week so he won't be home until later. I know I could call someone but I don't really feel like talking nor do I see the point in upsetting anyone else. Besides, I probably wouldn't be able to say anything because I would be crying so hard.

Will it always be like this? Will I be going along just fine and then, all of the sudden, completely lose it?

4 comments:

Soapchick said...

It will not always be like this Rachel. I absolutely promise you. It will get better, but it will take a long time. Trust me that you will one day be happy again. In the meantime let your feelings do what they will - you will laugh and cry, you will smile and then feel sadness beyond belief. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I wish I could give you a hug in person. Have you considered seeing a counselor? That really helped me when I was grieving. God bless you sweetie.

Mags said...

I just stumbled upon your blog. I am so sorry for your loss, and I grieve with you. Soapchick is right...time has a way of making things better, and you will be happy again. I didn't believe it when I heard it at first. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Krista said...

Rachel,
My heart hurts for you after reading this and I wish that there was something I could do. I know that there are no words that will bring true comfort, but just know that you are greatly loved and that you and TOIAW are in my thoughts and prayers. You are always welcome to call, even if it is to cry over the phone with someone.

mlg- believe N miracles said...

Sweet Rachel
I know you are hurting. I have moments like this all the time, I used to have weeks and then days that seemed impossible. It does get easier, but it never goes away. Just do what you feel, if you feel like crying then do it. What I have learned is that everyone does this differently, in their own way. I know how it feels to feel guilty to laugh again or even smile, but it is all part of healing.
I started seeing a counselor to talk about my grief because I felt like I was wearing my family and friends too thin, she has helped me tremendously to cope with my grief. I think I have come a long way and I probably would be having a more difficult time if it wasnt for her.
You will find your way, in the meantime we are here for you.