Monday, February 2, 2009

Questions and...

I received a call Friday informing me I had an appointment today with the head of the OB clinic to--presumably--go over the pathology report on the placenta and talk about any other factors that may have led to my preterm labor and Sarah's preterm birth. I am doing my very best to keep my expectations low in terms of answers. I'm not sure how well I'm doing in that regard; I probably won't know until I leave the appointment feeling either satisfied or frustrated. I'll let you know.

I also have an additional appointment next month with an MFM. Coincidentally, I also received word of that appointment on Friday which led to a bit of confusion. Apparently the high-risk department where the MFMs work only sees patients once they are pregnant but, according to the person who contacted me, they made an exception for me due to a phone call they received from someone on the hospital commander's staff. Ahhh, the joys of military medicine! Great care is available but sometimes you have to hunt it down. I guess it's a good thing TOIAW has been in execute mode for the past two weeks otherwise the only appointment I would have is a postpartum visit with a nurse midwife and somehow I don't think she would be able to offer much in terms of answers to questions I have.

We had a pretty good weekend, all things considered. I didn't cry all day Saturday which is good, I suppose, but once I realized that I felt really sad. Late afternoon/early evening has now replaced morning as my most difficult time of the day and I did get a little teary around that time but we had dinner plans and I didn't want to show up looking sad and pathetic (I know, but the point of making plans was so we had something to do rather than sit around and be sad). We ended up having a lovely dinner with one of my youngest brother's friends and his new wife who recently moved to the area.

Both Saturday and Sunday we got out and walked with PP which was great because 1) the weather has been beautiful and 2) exercise really helps with my emotions. I can't do too much yet but I can easily walk 2-3 miles before I feel any pain. I plan on beginning my running plan in a few weeks and I already have a goal to run a 5k at the end of April. That's pretty close to Sarah's due date which will, no doubt, be very difficult for us but I am thrilled that I have the opportunity to say, "I didn't just sit around and cry every day, I did something positive while I cried."

I'm anxious about going back to the hospital where Sarah was born, lived, and left to go to heaven. I need to spend some time with Someone who can get me through this. I realize many people would question how I can be so full of faith when God didn't answer my prayers and allow Sarah to live but all I can is I feel Him with me now more than ever. His love is like an ever-present blanket wrapped around my shoulders and it brings me such warmth and comfort.


Anonymous said...

I love your idea of running a 5k around Sarah's EDD. I think it is a postive way to try and "do something" when you know it is going to be a difficult time.
I hope that you get the answers you are looking for, I know the waiting is hard.
I still have days that are really tough, and times of the day are harder than others, sometimes I find myself just so sad.
Be good to yourself.

mrsmuelly said...

I hope that you get some answers today. I hope that your visit back to the hospital is "okay" (I know that was a very hard thing for me). And I hope that you continue to find your way through all of this - with HIS help. It is truly amazing what can bring us closer to Him.