Monday, January 19, 2009

This Stinks

Last week I promised myself that, no matter what happened, I wouldn't let my blog turn into one of those painful to read/every post makes you cry blogs. I'm pretty sure I won't be keeping that promise, sorry. You see, when you're in a place of great sadness, it's difficult to write like you're not and not writing doesn't seem like an option either. So here we go...

My parents arrived today...again. They left Saturday but I knew my mom didn't want to leave me or Sarah. Before last Sunday I wouldn't have understood that but now I fully get it--and then some. I know from several of their friends that in addition to mourning Sarah they are heartbroken over TOIAW's and my grief.

TOIAW and I rested well last night which probably helped us get through the day though I shudder to think how it could have been worse. It's just that we miss her so much. I can't stop thinking about her and I don't want to...I simply don't want it to hurt so much (as if there's anything about this that is simple). My mind keeps drifting to 'what was I doing at this time last week' and, in addition to savoring the sweet memories, I'm questioning whether or not I spent enough time with her. People assure me there will be a time when I don't cry every day but I don't really believe that now. Several people have mentioned how strong we must be to have been through all we have but, you know, having Sarah for a week made every miscarriage, every negative pregnancy test, every doctor's appointment, every shot, every everything worth it. More than worth it, actually. Today TOIAW mentioned trying again soon. Of course we know nothing will ever replace our sweet Sarah but now more than ever we want to be parents because if the seven days we spent with Sarah are any indication, parenthood is an amazing thing! We'll certainly need to have a follow-up appointment and get the results of the placental pathology report but I do plan on researching clinics and programs next week. I'm someone who needs a plan.

It's so hard to think of the future without her. We had such plans for her and for our family and now they're gone. It seems so unfair. The loss of our hopes and dreams for Sarah seems just as huge as the loss of Sarah.

Wow, this is a depressing post.

So this evening we went to Target to buy a bin to store Sarah's clothes and other items. We also bought a safe in which to store a box the hospital gave us containing the outfit she wore when they brought her to us, the blanket she was wrapped in, a few pictures, all the tubes hooked to her (odd, I know, but I'm glad we have them), and a shell they made us with her foot and hand prints. I have crooked pinky fingers and so did Sarah. I wish we had pictures where we could see her eyelashes and eyebrows which are the same light color as mine...I have red hair and so did Sarah. She also had my eyes but she had TOIAW's nose. I always wanted to kiss her little nose but I forgot and I really regret that. I really regret not kissing her more--I think I only kissed her once--but TOIAW kissed her several times and that comforts me. Look at me--a paragraph that began about a trip to Target ended with a description of Sarah and how I wanted to kiss her more. I cannot keep my thoughts from drifting her to her.

At the same time, I can't imagine having any thoughts that don't involve Sarah.


Kari said...

I think it's good for you to write about how you are truly feeling. You all continue to be in my prayers and thoughts. Take care.

Vicki said...

We don't mind the sadness. It is right and good to be sad and good when you feel like planning for the future too. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Tracy said...

Oh, Rachel. I'm so so sorry. I continue to shed tears for you and your sweet Sarah. I pray that God gives you and TOIAW peace during this time...know that she is in His hands.

The Major's Wife said...

oh rachel, i'm so so saddened for you. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you feel but I do know what it's like to be a parent, which you are and always will be. Loosing a child is a pain I can't even imagine. So, please feel free to write as yo wish. As moms, many of your blog pals understand that is what you need to do.

Also, I'm so lifted by you're desire to have a plan for you're future family. You and your hubby are incredible, what amazing parents you are and will be to another lucky baby!

Are you moving to Germany next by chance, I have some info about IVF there.

MrsH said...

Just read your blog today for the first time. I get everything. I have been there. Love.