Saturday, August 9, 2008

What is Wrong With Me?

Fertilization Report:

9 eggs retrieved
3 eggs mature
2 eggs fertilized

TOIAW Report:

Thrilled that 2 eggs fertilized.
Practically ordering nursery furniture.
Extremely angry at me for not doing cartwheels at our 18% fertilization rate.

Rachel Report:

Over-the-top emotional bordering on hysterical.
Have found evidence to support personal theory that eggs are old.
Angry at TOIAW for his boundless optimism.

Wherever you are this morning, be glad it isn't our house unless, of course, you enjoy infertility-related arguing at VERY high decibels. And the sad part is neither one of us is angry, we're just hurt/sad. TOIAW is upset that my mood is ruining his elation and possibly sabotaging the entire thing with my bad attitude. I am upset because, as I said earlier, it doesn't really look like IVF--with my eggs at least--has a very good chance of getting us a baby. Furthermore, I wanted him to console me and give me a pep talk but that did not happen. It just sucks.

I want to be happy and hopeful and optimistic and full of faith but I simply cannot muster it. I'm getting ready to take a shower just so I can cry in peace. But WHY??? Why am I reacting like this? Why can I not just accept the hand we've been dealt and hope and pray for the best? Why am I being such a freak? I always think people who blather on and on like this on blogs are tiresome and today I am that blogger. Sorry, gentle readers!

I may be able to get a report tomorrow morning although I'm quite sure that will do nothing to satiate my fears. I doubt nothing short of a live baby in my arms is capable of satiating my fears. That being said, healthy embryos on Monday just *might* help. I'm praying... I'll try to suck it up and drive on and not be such a sorry sad sack tomorrow but no promises just yet.


soapchick said...

Rachel, I am so sorry. I know there are no words, but to say I've been there. How old are you? I now this is not the time, but when you get back to the US maybe you should see another RE and talk about protocol - why so many immature eggs? Maybe they triggered you too soon.

However that is for later, for now, try to calm down before transfer because you just never know - maybe one of those 2 embryos will be your miracle baby. Pray and ask God to bring you peace. Sending hugs to you.

Tracy said...

There is nothing wrong with you. You are normal. And I totally understand. It's hard to be positive when faced with that fert rate, I know. I was exactly the same way...

But, you do still have a shot at it, so hopefully you'll get good news about your embryos on Monday. I will continue to pray that you find peace during this very stressful time.

Rachel said...

Rachel, please give yourself a little time. You seem to have a wonderful faith (I don't mean that slightingly, I mean as far as one can tell from the other side of the internets) and I'm sure you will find your usual confidence and faith, but of course it's going to take a couple of days to adjust. It only takes one so I can understand your husband's enthusiasm, but of course, you also probably know a good deal more about the statistics (I'm guessing) and have heard more stories about needing FETs.

I will be thinking of you all weekend.

Kari said...

I wish I could say something to make you feel better....just know that I'm thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

The Gutsy Mom said...

Rachel, I am still praying. This is the reason we have friends who believe--so that they can pray FOR us when we are too lost to do it ourselves. God knows this, too. Don't worry: YOU ARE COVERED.