Thursday, August 21, 2008

I Caved

The past two mornings I've been awake very early which is a huge contrast to how I feel the rest of the day after the progesterone shot. Laying there this morning I decided I couldn't wait any longer so I tested. It was negative. I cried...and cried and cried and though most of the tears have stopped, my heart is still crying. I think I really thought it had worked this time. Is it a bad sign when you're not even sure about the hope you might have had? I feel so crushed -- betrayed by my body. This is something I have wanted for longer than I can remember but the past two and a half years have been nothing but blow after blow and each one hurts more than the last.

Where to from here? I have no idea. At this point, TOIAW is unwilling to do another IVF cycle because he thinks the medication can't be good for me. I didn't fight it when he said it, so that tells me something of how I feel. Adoption is an option but I don't really feel like it's for us. I don't mean to offend anyone by that and I have no idea why I feel that way but I do. TOIAW is interested in donor eggs (I use someone elses eggs and carry the baby) which is a little more appealing but the cost is staggering and I'm still not 100% sold. I suppose that's all natural at this point as I need to mourn this life-long dream before I can move on and consider other options with a clear mind.

I have so, so much more than multitudes of people yet I don't seem to be able to have something I wanted most of all. Why?

Okay, I have to get myself together sometime within the next seven hours because the neighborhood is having a farewell party for me today. I'm totally not feeling festive and chatty but, ever the officer's wife, I'll do my hair and smile.


Tracy said...

I'm so sorry, Rachel...but is it possible it's still too early? I'm trying to hold out hope for you. I know it's discouraging though; why can't it just be easier?

So, so sorry.

You know how I feel about donor eggs, but you are right to take this time to mourn your loss. Both of you will need to do that before you know what the right next step is. If you ever want to talk more about where you're at now, just shoot me an email.

I will keep you both in my prayers.

The Gutsy Mom said...

I am so sorry. I am crying for you. And praying, too, of course. But right now just crying.

Amber said...

Thanks for visiting my blog!

I'm so sorry that you didn't get a BFP this morning. Unfortunately I know all to well how that feels. Like the PP I hope that maybe it's just to early, but even if it's a genuine negative know that you're going to be ok, you'll make it through.

It must be hard to hear your DH say he won't do another IVF, but I'm sure it was said 100% out of love and concern for you. And that's a good thing.

Take some time before making any decisions. Be good to yourself.

In Due Time said...

Coming over from ICLW...


Rachel said...

Oh no. I am so, so sorry Rachel. Please take care of yourself today.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your negative. It doesn't seem to ever get easier.

I hope Germany has some better healthcare than the US for you.

Angry IF