Thursday, July 24, 2008

I Was Expecting More

Today the movers loaded the last of our things and now our house feels so hollow. It's rather depressing, actually. We have temporary bedroom furniture but they're not delivering our temporary living room furniture until tomorrow. Instead of being empty it's going to look like an orthodontist's office, but that will still be an improvement.

Because the movers were done so early, TOIAW was able to go to my RE appointment with me. Praise God! This is a list of what happened while there:

  • Shortly after entering the office with the doctor, she was called out for an emergency phone call from her husband. Her daughter had fallen off a swing and had to be rushed to the dentist.
  • The ultrasound showed 8 antral follicles (meaning this is the highest number of eggs I could produce is everthing goes perfect). She didn't seem upset by this, but I was disappointed. She explained that we cannot change this, but it's still a good number. [I'm trying to get it out of my mind, but haven't had much luck so far.]
  • As she was going over the plan and medication schedule, the doctor received another urgent phone call that was transferred to the room where we were. All of the sudden, she began sobbing. TOIAW and I said we would wait outside. After a few minutes she came out and told us a good friend of hers, who had been treated at the clinic, lost her baby in utero at 28 weeks. I felt so sad for both her and her friend. That's another thing I just can't get out of my mind. I've just been praying for them both ever since.
  • One of the office workers came in and, through an interpreter, had a conversation with us about billing and our insurance. They were asking us to pay an astronomical amount and wait to be reimbursed. Thankfully, TOIAW handled that.

I begin the medication this evening. I'm excited but really anxious about it all. I've got to shake this "what are we going to do if it doesn't work" thought that's in the back of my head. And that's not the only bad thought. I also have a "what if it works and I have a miscarriage" thought floating around there as well. Sounds like someone needs to lay off the message boards, huh? I just wish I were in a better place to begin this journey. Oh, and the movers packed my Bible. Not that it was their fault, but it's gone and I really want it back. I could buy one, or borrow one, get one free at the chapel, or read online but I want mine because that's the kind of mood I'm in at the moment. I really want to feel God's presence right now because I'm really, really scared. [Yes, I know I just used the word 'really' way too many times, but I'm not going to change it.] With my first IVF, I had such high hopes. This time is a lot more expensive and even though we haven't discussed it I'm pretty sure there won't be a next time if this fails as well. The pressure is overwhelming at times--and I'm creating it myself! As I was packing, I read some letters TOIAW wrote me when he was in Iraq and every single one mentioned how excited he was to have babies with me. I read them and bawled. He doesn't mention it much but I know he desperately wants a child. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but while I'm on the subject I'm also going to mention that three of my neighbors and one friend of mine are pregnant. Surprisingly, other people's pregnancies haven't bothered me too much in the past but now--BAM! I never wanted to be that person. I prided myself on being that person. I hate you, Pride. And it's not so much that I'm jealous, it's just that I want to be pregnant also. Is that so much to ask? I don't want them not to have it, I simply want it, too. If only it were all that easy.

This is a really sad post, I know. Probably because I feel really sad and empty right now. Empty like my house. Empty like my womb. Empty like that piece of my heart that so wants to love my baby. I'm done thinking about this and thinking like this.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9 NIV

Or, if you prefer, The Message version:

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

2 comments:

Les said...

Rachel,
I've been reading your blog for awhile now, and I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and TO(You)AW, and whatever plans God may have in store for you.

Rachel said...

It's the little things like packed bibles that make moving so hard. I really hope that you find peace during this cycle, and please try to concentrate on the current cycle. You will have plenty of time afterwards to think about the next steps if necessary (and hopefully more support if you're coming back to the U.S. for your next tour), but it sounds like you have so much on your plate already.