Saturday, April 5, 2008

My Head is Spinning

Wow. I've typed the opening sentence about four times but I keep deleting it. TOIAW called me from his office about two hours ago to tell me most all of our plans for the rest of this year have changed. We're still moving but rather than move within Germany, we're currently scheduled to go back to the States. I'm having a very difficult time wrapping my mind around this which, in turn, is preventing me from deciding if I welcome the change or not. But I just keep thinking that if I was excited about it, I would be excited immediately and I was not excited immediately. I've given it a little time (not too much time, but some) to sink in and I'm still not excited.

It took me a bit, but now I really like living here. I've hit my stride, so to speak. I enjoy the pace and way of life. The German healthcare system is all I've ever known for my infertility treatments. I'm not ready to move in six months! I wanted to buy furniture in November during my favortite store's annual sale. I still have many destinations on my list of places to visit. I want to go back to Poland to buy more pottery. I want to live in Garmisch in the heart of the Bavarian/Alpine culture. We just bought a new vacuum that is 220 voltage because we thought we were going to be here for two more years; we haven't even had it a week!

And the schedule they have for us? Ridiculous! Move to the US in October for a year, move to country X (back across the ocean) for a year, move back to the US for two years, move to different (but yet to be determined) country for three years. TOIAW is very excited while I'm completely overwhelmed. I'm quite positive any conversation we have is going to be emotionally charged due to the hormone factor. Even now I'm having to fight back tears and I have a huge lump in my throat. I want to be supportive but this just seems like such craziness.

I wish I could read my own mind! If I could, I would know if I'm upset about the plans being changed or if I'm upset about the difficulty and stress of the new plan. Determining that is a good place to start, I suppose.


Tracy said...

I'm so sorry...I'm sure this all came as quite a shock to you. Try to go easy on yourself (and TOIAW) for a day or two to allow yourself time to adjust.

Knowing you, you'll be just fine. You're probably just reeling right now, and rightfully so.


Rachel said...

Argh! The problem with stealing people's wireless networks is the signal goes in and out - I just wrote a comment that I presume is lost.

I think it's totally normal to be peeved about a return to the U.S., packing, or even just finding out how much turmoil you can expect in the next few years.

I'm pretty impressed that they gave you such a detailed schedule, and I hope that lets you plan your treatments.

I usually love to travel and move and don't even mind things like having a fiance who -has not decided- where he wants to live yet (his choice - just not made yet), but starting IF treatments has made it a lot harder. When I was packing up my apartment last weekend it was really hard to think about the fact that a. I might not be pg. and gearing up for IVF #2 when I unpack this box or b. I might be 5 months pg. and never, ever fit into these clothes again. I guess it's just the obvious fact that something big is going to change in our lives in the next 2-3 years (either biological kids or starting or adoption or I guess deciding to live child-free for us) that makes it so much harder to fantasize and plan about things like the fact that I'll be back in Europe in fall of '09.