Friday, April 18, 2008

Harsh Light of Morning

I feel like I'm trying to breathe underwater. This feels as crushing as the miscarriages and ectopic it's just a less drawn-out process. Just one phone call and you waiting two days to see if the hCG doubles or praying that the spotting stops. Nope, just a phone call saying it's all over but you can try again in a couple of months. Super.

Yesterday I spoke to my sister-in-law the geneticist. She kept saying nothing added up and she thinks we should try again and demand ICSI. [I'm very upset that ICSI wasn't done this time because we did consent to it. The answer TOIAW received (because I was in no condition to talk to anyone yesterday) was that it didn't look necessary based on the "super" sperm.] From the moment TOIAW came home to tell me the news, he blamed himself and his sperm but this just doesn't seem right. How could that be? They had to dilute it for goodness sake. Then it hit me, although I can't say I've fully accepted it yet, it's my eggs. They're bad. Bad as in not good. It all makes sense...poor response to stimulations, one early miscarriage, one chemical pregnancy, four medicated cycles resulting in nothing, and seven mature eggs not fertilized. It's easy to explain away one of those or even several of them but the only way to explain all of them is bad eggs. I tried to tell TOIAW but he didn't seem to believe me or maybe he didn't want to believe me. I don't want to believe it either.

I'm not sure what we do now. Our RE wants us to come in to talk to him next week but I can't even bring myself to dial his number and I know even if I did I would cry and sound pathetic. Donor eggs are not an option in Germany. Another IVF cycle sounds like torture, frankly. Like a human experiment but instead of getting paid to be the subject, I have to pay them.

TOIAW had to work today. He's very busy at work but he's still been with me a lot this week. I'm not sure what he would do if he were here but at least I wouldn't be alone. The reality is he won't be home for several hours so I think I'll ground myself from Google and go organize my craft room. Organizing is free therapy.


Tracy said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I agree about the was the first thing I thought of yesterday.

I know you want to blame your eggs, and perhaps they are part of the problem, but I don't think that's entirely it. I have total crap eggs, and we were able to retrieve close to 10 each cycle, and at least 70% fertilized and started developing...they just fizzled out after a few days. I gotta think that would be the case for you, too. I would demand to know why they aren't fertilizing, and why ICSI wasn't performed if hey suspected MFI.

Good luck...

Rachel said...

I really wish that you'd had good news yesterday. It sounds like you really don't want to think about another round of IVF and yet you are in some ways contemplating the future. I wonder if it's worth waiting until you've moved and are at a different clinic that might have a slightly different protocol. Maybe your body just doesn't respond well to these particular drug combinations and a new doctor will have new suggestions.

kelly bee said...

I've been sneaking over from Clemsongirl for a while to read your blog. I'm feeling so bad for you today. I never went through this but because I adopted my kids, most of the friends I made through that process had done at least one round of IVF. Some had done 8!

I think this is the time to really examine your goal. Is it being a parent or being pregnant? I know that you may not be ready to think about adopting, but if you ever want to talk about it, I'd be happy to. My kids are from Russia and Guatemala and they are the PERFECT kids for me. God knew exactly what He was doing. His timing and plan were perfect.

Praying for you,
Kelly Bee

Sara said...

I'm so sorry.

The Gutsy Mom said...

Dear Rachel,

I am crying for you. It hurts to read how much this is hurting you and TOIAW. Chris and I are praying for you both and sending you all the love we can.

God is with you through all of this, I am sure of it.