Monday, October 22, 2007


I have mentioned infertility here and there on this blog, but I have never devoted an entire post to it. There are many infertility blogs devoted to nothing but injections, appointments, ultrasounds, charts, procedures, and the emotions that go along with all of those things. I read plenty of those blogs but I just haven't wanted to go there, yet. The reason this post is titled "16%" is because I saw Oprah a few weeks ago when the topic was infertility; according to her 16% of couples experience fertility problems.

I should make it clear that my issue really isn't infertility because I have been pregnant three times. Two early (like before 6 weeks) miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. I am happy with the way TOIAW and I have dealt with our fertility problems. It has not come between us and has actually made us closer. That does not mean, however, that it hasn't been painful. I hurt the most when I see how much he really wants to have children. Believe me, I want it for's something I have always wanted, but I really want it for him also. I want it for us. I rarely allow myself to "go there" and think about how very much I want a baby. I actually didn't realize this until just a few weeks ago but it makes sense. I mean it's a natural coping technique.

So, two weeks ago, after my cyst-removal surgery, I began taking injectible fertility medications. [I might have mentioned this before so sorry in advance if I'm repeating myself.] Everything went well and I had two nice follicles but only one in my right ovary (or, as we call it, the "good ovary" because the left one is not connected to the fallopian tube as a result of the ectopic pregnancy). I took a "trigger" shot last week and we did our thing before TOIAW went on his business trip and now it's just a waiting game. Actually, tonight I'm getting one more shot to help with implantation if the egg was fertilized as it is suspected that the implantation process is where things went wrong with the miscarriage pregnancies, but there is no way of knowing. Okay, so after tonight it's officially just a waiting game until Monday when I will have a blood test...unless my period arrives before then. I'm not a patient person so this is killing me!

Honestly, the timing this month was off due to the surgery and the main reason we decided to try the medication was to see how I reacted to it so we know what works or doesn't for next month. I knew this and I tried not to get my hopes up but it's easier said than done! Our plan is to try this month (done) and next month and, if that doesn't work, move on to IVF after the first of the year. Of course any cysts would prevent us from trying next month and that's a huge fear of mine. I've had a little pain similar to what I had with the cyst which is disconcerting but it could just be the regular progesterone-producing cyst that forms every month in order to support a possible pregnancy. If this is the case, it will go away on it's own and it's of no consequence. The fact that I'm analyzing every detail of this tells you I'm a bit obsessed if you didn't know that already...

Now onto the truly ironic part of this: I am terrified of finding out I'm pregnant. Completely TERRIFIED. It's like pregnancy post traumatic stress disorder. I will never be that person who gets super excited when they pee on a stick and see the two lines and then immediately devises a cutesy way to tell their husband and buys 17 onesies the first month. I have pretty much accepted that and I know that once I know things are going well, I will relax (at least I hope I do!), get excited, and enjoy the pregnancy.

So many of our plans in the past year have been centered around a pregnancy that hasn't happened. It's not like we have or haven't done something because we thought I might be pregnant but we've certainly discussed it when discussing major plans. I remember last year during the holidays when TOIAW's family was discussing summer plans, I didn't want to commit because I thought I would be pregnant. This summer when we discussed our holiday plans, I--again--didn't want to commit to anything. Even as we were having our marathon trying to find tickets session, I wondered what adjustments might have to be made if I find out I'm pregnant. I try to deny it, but getting pregnant occupies a huge part of my thoughts. I don't like it but I think the reason I don't like it is I perceive it as weakness and I should be able to just overcome this but that is not how it works.

One more shot in the stomach tonight (I don't even think twice about it anymore...can you imagine? If you had told me, say two years ago, that I would require daily shots in the stomach in order to have a baby I might have balked but now I have to remind myself that not everyone has to do this!). After that, more waiting. Oh, and the earliest I can pee on a stick is this weekend because the shot is actually an injection of the pregnancy hormone and testing too soon could give me a false positive and that is the last thing I need!

Okay, I'm going to distract myself by cleaning :)


Tracy said...

Good luck to you...I hope you get great news next Monday. And everything you said is perfectly normal. This past year has been entirely planned around fertility treatments for's so sad to be at the end of it with nothing to show, but I know there's still a chance.

Anyway, I'm rooting for you guys.

The Gutsy Mom said...

I'm rooting for you, too. I only know some of the feelings you are having here, and I just want to say I think you are a strong, amazing woman. And, you know you can call whenever you need a distraction or a talk-it-out. Also, we should have another play date soon. That was so much fun!